How Joe Wilson Became "Old yeller"

Once there was an old hound dog down in the state of South Carolina.  He didn't have much going for himself, being long in the tooth and none too smart.  Mostly, he just laid around licking his balls and living off the bits and pieces others funneled in his direction.  He loved his status quo.

Lot's of people tolerated the old hound - they mostly loved the status quo too.  He was old and been around for a long time, licking those aging balls and appreciatively snuffling his own ass deeply and often.  Once in a great while he'd sniff someone else's ass for variety, but mostly he pleased himself.  Life was pretty good.

But then the governor of the old hound's state, who was no slouch at sniffing his own ass appreciatively himself, suddenly became the center of attention.   All he had to do was run away to Argentina and score some hot latin cha cha cha stuff down there - and then had the chutzpah to go around bragging about it whilst praying to Jesus and comparing himself to King David of biblical times.  All at once the governor was a new national sensation  - maybe not at the top of the heap but everyone sure knew who he was.

At this disturbance to the status quo, the old hound grew unsettled.  He sulked around then and even tried nipping jealously at the heels of his narcissistic governor - to little avail.  Life just wasn't that sweet anymore.  His balls got all sore from all his over-licking and he suddenly realized snuffling his own ass was actually pretty disgusting.  Especially to everyone else - and the old hound grew very morose.

So, the old hound mulled over some way to make things better.  Not being all that smart it was a very tall order for him.   He wondered about the Appalachian Trail - that had worked for the randy governor didn't it?  Yep . . . . nope! Wait a minute! That didn't even happen did it?

How's about Argentina and hot latin cha cha cha stuff?  Nope.  Even if he could get down there, there was no way he was gonna  score any stuff of any kind.  He was too old and droopy a hound.  He  didn't even know how to spell 'randy'.

He got so down he moped - which for a hound means he drooped everywhere.  his eyes, his ears, his jaws and his entire face . . . . . drooped.  He started in crying and yelling, which for a hound means he howled.  He howled the most mournful, desolate howls anyone ever heard, and everyone threw things at him - shoes, stones, glasses and kitchen tables.

"Stop all that yelling!" they hollered.

After he second brick landed on  his tail the old hound stopped his howling - but he did note one important thing:  At least everyone paid attention when he howled.  Maybe that was his ticket.

So the old hound headed to Washington, DC where he yelled 'You Lie!" at the president of the United States of America right there during his speech  in Congress.  There was an  instant and  amazing change.

Suddenly the old hound was a new national sensation.  His new name and face was on every TV in America.  And that's how an old hound named Joe Wilson suddenly became "Old Yeller" one day in September, 2009.

South Carolina's God-Fearing Red State Family Values Folks!

C'mon now! this is getting pretty serious.

Aren't ANY of the good, God-fearing, Red State Republicans normal folks? Hey, I know everyone's been joking about it and all, but now I'm beginning to get pretty concerned:


First there's this new story about South Carolina Lt. Governor Andre Bauer. You know. The same one who will take over when disgraced SC Governor Mark Sanford is impeached, or has the decency and common sense to ever resign. Don't hold your breath on that though. Narcissism knows no limits, especially if God is on your side as he is with Mark Sanford according to himself. Oh but what the Hell. I suppose anyone named 'Andre' in SC has no choice except to be gay . . .?

Not that I think there's anything wrong with being gay - except perhaps if you constantly present yourself otherwise as an ardent, God-fearing, family values man who believes so strongly in the sanctity of marriage and sex - between a man and a woman only! (Where the hell does the Republican Party find these people anyway?)

But then, what about that God-fearing, family values gal, Kristin Maquire, who until a couple days ago was Chairwoman of the South Carolina State Board of Education and who, turns out has an alter ego; (Bridget Keeney - FAIR WARNING! THIS IS SOME HOT & NASTY STUFF!) writing some pretty smoky porn, such as one entitled, "Lauren's Masturbatory Musings." A girl after mine own heart that! All that other cynical, Christian hoopla and right-wingnut BS just turns me off, that's all. But, maybe it's a good thing for South Carolina Maquire had the good sense to resign 'due to family matters' though. Doesn't sound like such a good thing to have a head of the state board of education who doesn't believe in schools. Maquire has home schooled her own four children since day one.


But at least Maquire has the decency to do the right thing, unlike the governor who appointed her in the first place, one Mark Sanford, who apparently can't tell the difference between the Appalachian Trail and Argentinian Tail. It is apparent Governor Sanford couldn't recognize a right thing if it rose up and bit him square on his cheating-on-his-wife smarmy red ass.

Then there's the story about the other South Carolina guy who got video-taped and arrested for getting it on with a horse. Well, OK I guess that's kind of odd, but what's even odder was that he was already on probation for getting it on with a horse the year before - THE SAME DAMNED HORSE! Man, those South Carolina horses must be something! And, there's very little doubt in my mind about his political affiliations. After all, SC is one of the reddest of the red states. Can anyone spell "R-E-P-U-B-L-I-C-A-N"?



You just can't make this kind of fun and entertaining stuff up! What the hell are they smoking over there in SC anyway?

Pardon me.

I've got to go find a place to laugh my ass off somewhere.

The Remarkable Language of a Narcissistic Governor

Using South Carolina's Governor Mark Sanford's actual words (in bold red below - there were so very many to chose from!), I have taken the liberty of rearranging them to explain his situation:

Mark Sanford lied about hiking the Appalachian Trail, safe in his zone of protectiveness, having an incredibly serious conversation with himself from a heart level about God's Law.

But, he actually was letting his guard down and crossing the line to ignite a remarkable friendship with a hot Argentinian tamale. It was with that whole sparking thing with its incredibly intense conversation, leading to serious overdrive .

Sanford himself declared, "I was happy and content just being, and knowing that I had met my soul mate. I told myself, 'I best not try this walk of faith. it was before safe, but now it's not safe. We gotta put the Genie back in the bottle.'"

"There was some kind of connection from the very beginning. A forbidden one, a tragic one, but a love story at the end of the day. Have I done stupid? I have."

This guy is doing major damage to his state and to the Republican Party at large. But, his incredible narcissism overrules his perception of political realities and common sense. Only Sarah Palin's own narcissism seems to surpass Sanford's.

The Republican Elephant: An Icon of FEAR?

The United States of America has its own unique icon for fear, paranoia and obtuseness. Though constantly disguised and masked by its owners to conceal its true character, the actual nature of this icon sometimes unexpectedly reappears in the national consciousness. I refer of course to the iconic Elephant symbol for the US Republican Party.

One wonders how the symbol of this huge beast, famously afraid of any tiny mouse, came to be an icon for a national political party. Perhaps it is just simple obtuseness, but more likely it is simply a freudian manifestation.

After the inauguration of GW Bush. Fear, paranoia and obtuseness aggressively ruled the national 'shtick' for eight full years and beyond. It is now obvious this motivated and ruled our 'leaders', who in turn ruthlessly employed fear and paranoia as weapons of propaganda against the country at large.

Only now are we beginning to perceive even a partial extent of the resulting damages.

And, just as most characters are resistant to change, so too the Republican Party is still ruled by fear - but perhaps 'cowardice' may be a better term. There are many examples, but perhaps none so illustrates this idea than the (non)actions of the respective state and the national party following the sensational news regarding the governors of South Carolina and Alaska. There has been an absolute blizzard of news, blogs, media coverage of the two governors, but nary a single word from their own states' Republican Parties. None, nothing, nada, zippo, blanko.

Neither states' Republican parties, and especially the National Republican Party has found the basic political courage to speak up or out about the narcissistic excesses of their respective governors since their respective meltdowns.

Incredibly, the Alaska Republican Party website's last news item is dated May 7, 2009 - over two months ago. NOT ONE WORD about Palin's abrupt resignation - and one might think that would be news to resonate amongst Alaska's Republicans.

And the South Carolina's Republican Party? NOT ONE SINGLE WORD either, since June 24, 2009, the day before their governor went AWOL. Apparently this qualifies as non-news to SC Republicans.

Not to be outdone, or perhaps 'undone', the National Republican Party website offers helpful advice to Obama about 'losing support', and why the health care plan is stalled in Congress, and information on the Cap In Trade bill. NOTHING about the two most sensational political stories in the nation at this time:

And everything THE GOP offers is characteristically in opposition to any progress forward - apparently now a universal Republican stock in trade, making said party widely known as the "Party of No".

I think a more fitting phrase for Republicans these days might be the ancient Latin phrase, 'ex nihilo nihil fit' which translates to: "Out of nothing, comes nothing".

I sincerely hope the Republican Party can regain some of the courage of Abraham Lincoln, and rejoin the rest of us to benefit our nation. It is very sad to see them cowering from so much fear these days. Ignoring something in the hopes it will go away doesn't make it go away.

"Ignorance may be healed with education, but stupidity has no cure"

One High-Flying Governor Mark Sanford

A young South Carolina tractor salesman was talking with a customer one day, a gnarled old farmer. They were discussing the news of the day:

Tractor Salesman: " Yessir Mr. Harper, I sure have been entertained lately with all the goings on in South Carolina."

Farmer: "You mean Governor Mark Sanford and all his shenanigans"?"

Tractor Salesman: "Yeah. Don't it just blow your mind though? I never saw such goings on and all. It blew me away the way Sanford had the nerve to compare hisself to the biblical King David like that. Wants everybody to think he is so holy and religious and all, and was so put on by his troubles."

Farmer: "Yeah, don't that sound just like some sanctimonious damned preacher or goody-goody frigging shylock lawyer though? I wish I could say he was a preacher or a lawyer, but he ain't. He's actually a real estate broker, which is probably the next worst thing. Ain't none of 'em too been much known for telling the truth. And Governor Mark Sanford sure'n hell ain't too acquainted with the truth, now is he?"

Tractor Salesman: "No Sir. That feller sure has some gall and nerve. Lying to everybody, including his own staff and Lt. Governor, not to mention his wife and family. I mean, lookit. Here he's gone tooting off to Argentina to shack up with his hot tamale down there, on state money, lying to everybody in sight, and he wants everyone to just forget it."

Farmer: "Yep. Even thinks his old lady should put up with it. 'Spects her to just fergive and fergit. He needs a lotta luck with that! Iffen it was me, my old lady be calling the undertaker 'bout now!"

Tractor Salesman: "Yep. Looks to me like he's gonna git away with it too. He's been censured by all his colleagues and all, and he ain't gonna be worth a damn as governor no more, but he's still in the damned job. He ain't got the sense to let go, which'd be one hell of a lot better for the state."

Farmer: "Yep. Well me, I think he's gonna fall, one way or t'other. iffen they cain't git him on breaking the law, I don't think the people of this here state are gonna put up with this selfish idjit for much longer."

Tractor Salesman: " I don't know. They ain't nobody hollering loud enough for his hide yet."

Farmer: "Just wait. He just ain't high enough yet."

Tractor Salesman: "High enough? What do ya mean Mr. Harper?"

Farmer: "Yeah, but he ain't got hisself up to the top of the tree yet. He's still climbing, but he ain't there yet."

Tractor Salesman: "Well for Pete's sake Mr. Harper, he's the governor! I don't understand."

Farmer: "What I mean is, he's figuring he's getting away with everything, and nobody in this state has hollered loud enough to bring him down. Damned fool figures if he keeps on bullshitting long enough and loud enough he'll just keep his job by default. But that ain't gonna work for him forever. All his bullshitting is gonna eventually bring him down."

Tractor Salesman: "How come? Seems to be working so far. Ain't nobody mad enough or strong enough to pull him down yet."

Farmer: "Yep. But that'll change. People of this state ain't gonna keep listening to his crap forever."

Tractor Salesman: "Well, you must know something I don't know Mr. Harper. I don't see that happening."

Farmer: "Well, let me tell you a little story son. One time there was a partridge trying to fly up to the top of a tree. He kept trying, but couldn't quite make it. Then, one day he found a pile of fresh bullshit by the side of the road. So, he thinks to hisself, 'hmm. Wonder if I eat some of that iffen it'll give me the strength to fly higher'?"

"So, he took a little nibble, and sure enough, he made it up to a low limb on that there tree. So, he flew down and took a bigger bite of that bullshit, and so on and on, until finally, he made it all the way to top of that tree."

Salesman: " I don't see your point Mr. Harper. Looks like Sanford is having his way, and still bullshitting everybody, and he's still the governor."

Farmer: "Well, that's just my point son. You see, after that partridge got to the top of that there tree, that's when I spotted 'im. Took my shotgun and blew his damned ass out of that tree and had 'im for supper."

Tractor Salesman: " Wow! I see what you mean. He kept on and on with all his bullshit until he made hisself a big enough spectacle and a big enough target, until he got his ass shot off."

Farmer: "Yep son. You see, bullshit can get you all the way to the top sometimes, but it sure'n hell cain't keep yer ass there!"

Tractor Salesman: "Cain't wait!"

Farmer: "Me neither! I'm 'shamed to be called a South Carolinian long's we'uns let that fool stay in office! I swan, folks are laughing at us all over."

Sarah Palin's Fly On The Wall

Last Wednesday Sarah Palin's fly-on-the-wall caught a chewy conversation between Alaska's Governor and Lieutenant Governor. It went something like this:

Governor Sarah Palin: "Hey Sean, step into my office would you? I've got some news for you."

Lt. Governor Sean Parnell: "Okee-dokey Guv, and what kind of news would that be?"

Sarah Palin: "Well, I guess it would come under the heading of good news, bad news."

Sean Parnell: "Hey! I love that stuff! Give me the bad news first and save the good news for last!"

Sarah Palin: "OK, Sean, here goes: I'm resigning my position as governor of Alaska."

Sean Parnell: "Hot damn! That ain't bad news. That's great news! If you don't mind my saying so, the bloom has gone seriously off your roses Guv. Folks are getting pretty damned tired of you always putting your own selfish interests ahead of the people of Alaska. With you gone maybe us Republicans will have a better chance in this state."

Sarah Palin: "Sean, that's a darned poor way to show your appreciation to me. You know when I selected you to be Lt. Governor, it was mostly because I figured it was cute our initials were exactly the same. I never thought you'd ever be governor yourself. You are too much of a dumb ass, dumber than rock in fact, and you have terrible BO and your breathe smells. Probably your feet do too."

Sean Parnell: "Well, mebbe so, but between you and the other dimwit Neocons you've pretty much train-wrecked the Republican Party nationwide. Hell, I was thinking of becoming a Libertarian myself. So, what's the other good news?"

Sarah Palin: "Well, it's good news for you. Now you will become Alaska's governor when I step down on July 26th."

Sean Parnell: "Yeah well. I'd say it's pretty much a win-win for me, So what has caused this seismic change?"

Sarah Palin: "I have my reasons. Let's just say the opera isn't over and the fat lady hasn't sung yet."

Sean Parnell: "Is it about all those 60 some odd ethics complaints against you?"

Sarah Palin: "Ethics, Smethics. Naw, it isn't that although I have to say those totally piss me off. Where do people get off filing complaints against me, Sarah Palin, Barbie-Doll Governor of Alaska and former Vice Presidential nominee?"

Sean Parnell: "Well, you know what folks say; 'Where there's smoke, there's usually fire.' I remember that's how you got in office in the first place. Mebbe somebody's after your butt the same way. You think they'll make anything stick?"

Sarah Palin: "I dunno. Depends on whether they actually apply the laws or not I guess."

Sean Parnell: "Yeah I know. It's just too damned bad us politicians can't do as we like anymore without those pissy laws and ethics complaints nailing us."

Sarah Palin: "Tell me about it!"

Sean Parnell: "So, Guv. I can't believe that's the real reason you're resigning. What do you mean the fat lady hasn't sung yet?"

Sarah Palin: "I'm gonna make my public announcement on Friday afternoon, just before the Fourth of July holiday. Maybe the news will get smothered by all the holiday excitement. I'll just hint at things like I'm positioning myself for run at the US presidency, or raising money or something like that. But, if my enemies keep digging, there very well could be more to come."

Sean Parnell: "More to come? Like what?"

Sarah Palin: "Can't tell you that Sean. You'd probably just use it against me yourself."

Sean Parnell: Well, give me a hint at least. Don't let me get blind-sided like everyone else."

Sarah Palin: "I'm not gonna give you specifics you asshole. Let's just say there could be some stuff in the woodpile and if it comes out my goose would be well-done. I don't want to be like that idiot Mark Sanford crying on national TV and trying to cling onto my job no matter how bad he screwed up. Pardon my pun, but seems like the only sex he's getting these days is by screwing up."

Sean Parnell: "Damn Guv! You and Mark Sanford? Tell me it isn't so!"

Sarah Palin: "Hell no you idiot! I wouldn't look twice at that bozo. I don't need any more trailer trash than I already have. Todd Palin is way more than I care to deal with anyway! Who the hell does he think he is anyway? First Dude my aching ass!"

Sean Parnell: "It's not Joe the Plumber is it?"

Sarah Palin: "Dammit Sean! It's nothing like that. Get your head out of your ass!"

Sean Parnell: "Well I know the media has been coming after you for all your faux pas and verbal stumbles. I see now they're after you for plagiarizing a joke about John Kerry's 'long face'. Don't you have anybody helping you by checking things for you?"

Sarah Palin: "We call it 'research'. My research staff is always on the lookout for mean jokes about other people. We thought that was a great joke and figured everybody would have forgotten it by now. Who'd a-thunk they'd remember stuff like that so long?"

Sean Parnell: "Yeah, well. And then there was that exorcism thingy by the witch doctor in your church. That didn't help you much either."

Sarah Palin: "Hell no! And it didn't even work either. I've been feeling kinda weird ever since and I still have demons coming out my ears! It's enough to make you swear off religion."

Sean Parnell: "Well personally Guv, I think you'd be way ahead if you did."

Sarah Palin: "Well, mebbe I will. It doesn't seem to be working so well for me right now anyway."

Sean Parnell: "Like what?"

Sarah Palin: "Well, Sean, I wasn't going to tell you this, and you've got to swear you won't say anything. You're the only one I'm telling and if it gets out I'm coming after you, OK? I'm pretty sure Bristol is knocked up again."

Sean Parnell: "Hot damn! How did that happen? I thought Levi was out of her life now."

Sarah Palin: "He is you idiot! But, he's not the only guy around with the hots for my daughter. But, you know that ball game I went to and Letterman made the joke about?"

Sean Parnell: "Yeah?"

Sarah Palin: "Well, everyone thought my daughter Willow was the only one of my girls there. And, the reason nobody saw Bristol was she really was shacked up with Alex Rodriguez at the time, but how was I supposed to know? Anyway, the reason I jumped all over Letterman like I did was to throw up a smoke screen. I tell, you all anyone has to do is wave a penis at that girl one time and she feels obligated to get pregnant. Abstinence my aching ass!"

Sean Parnell: "Damn."

Sarah Palin: "Yeah, if all that gets out I'll be as roasted and basted as a Thanksgiving turkey. That damned Letterman will have a field day. I can just see his gleeful damned smirk now!"

Sean Parnell: "Oh right! There was that little turkey faux pas too!"

Sarah Palin: "Dammit Sean! How was I to know they'd be killing turkeys at that turkey farm."

Sean Parnell: "Well Guv, it WAS a turkey farm and processing place after all . . . "

Sarah Palin: "I didn't realize they'd actually be processing in the background while I was there doing my video. I tell you I've got enemies all over the place just laying for me."

Sean Parnell: "Yeah well. I guess you coulda looked around a little before you started being 'Miss Precious' and all. I mean, that's in Politics 101."

Sarah Palin: "I never took Politics 101. I always go by the seat of my pants."

Sean Parnell: "Yeah well, that couldn't be any more damned obvious."

Sarah Palin: "Just what the hell is that supposed to mean, Sean?"

Sean Parnell: "Well, just look at you now. You're resigning your office and running for cover. You'll end up a political footnote. A laughing stock. A freaking joke. They'll trot you out as an example of what not to do in the future."

Sarah Palin: "Damn Sean! That's harsh. I've a good mind to just fire your stupid ass and appoint another Lt. Governor before I resign."

Sean Parnell: "You can't get away with that!"

Sarah Palin: "You bet your bippy I can! In fact, you're fired!"

Sean Parnell: "You're serious?"

Sarah Palin: "You betcha!"