You might be a Modern Republican if , . . .

You know more than one woman under the age of thirty-five named "Ethel";

 You can whine and eat at the same time;

 You can whine and sleep at the same time;

 Your pickup truck has a gun rack inside the cab and a cross and/or fish symbol on the bumper;

 You use any kind of "anti-gas medication"; 

You know two or more guys your age you call "Bubba";

 You have ever had a "Charlton Heston Is My Other President" bumper sticker on your car;

 You are over fifty and watch "Toddlers in Tiaras";

 You have a picture of Goldwater, Nixon or Reagan anywhere in your house or office;

 You have always really liked sausage gravy;

You have any relative of either sex named "Butch";

 Your golf clubs or watch cost more than your wife's car;

 You believe taxing employees at far higher rates than their bosses is just and fair;

 You take Viagra AND acid reflux medication;

 You think the 'Real Americans' may be found in the rural areas of Texas, Oklahoma, Alabama and Georgia;

 You think serving red, white and blue cupcakes makes you patriotic;

You think Ronald Reagan really did 'hang the moon';

 You can say "compassionate conservative" with a straight face;

You think 'a thousand points of light' actually is a good quip and slogan;

 You think Rush Limbaugh should to do a calendar;

 A five second sound-bite is the maximum limit of your attention span;

 You have a genuine Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly or Sean Hannity autograph;

 Being a 'good Christian' places no limits on your interest in sexually perverse web sites;

You are secretly FEATURED on one or more sexually perverse web sites;

You drink Budweiser beer because it's American beer by God! (But don't know the brewery is owned by a European company);

 You think Sarah Palin was unfairly blindsided by Katie Couric in their interview;

 You sincerely believe Sarah Palin would be a far better President than Obama;

 You believe Sarah Palin's children should not have media attention, even though Palin herself paraded them before the public;

 You defend Richard Nixon as 'a great guy who let himself be trapped by his liberal enemies';

 Your favorite sarcasms are calling people 'professor' or 'intellectual';

 You think Joe McCarthy was right and got a raw deal from communists in Congress;

 You watch Fox News because they are your only source for 'fair and balanced' news;

 You sincerely believe publishing fake stories of weapons of mass destruction is plenty enough reason to attack another country with your own weapons of mass destruction;

 You believe all the 'lamestream media' (everyone except Fox) is controlled by communists, socialists or liberals;

 You believe getting a blowjob from a White House intern is far worse than an illegal invasion of another country killing hundreds of thousands;

 You believe all Democrats are left-wing;

 Your favorite vehicle is a Hummer;

You HAVE a vehicle named after an oral sex act (Hummer);

 You have an American flag decal on your Hummer; 

You think tax breaks for the rich will create jobs;

 You think George W. Bush is just a misunderstood intellectual with poor verbal skills;

 You think parts of the Bill of Rights are unnecessary, probably socialist and should be repealed;

 You believe 'socialists' and 'fascists' are the same thing;

 You get a hard-on every time you see an 'Occupier' protester being beaten by police;

 You think it's a darn sin and shame the way Tea Partiers are disrespected; 

You ARE a Tea Partier;

 You believe 'liberals' and 'socialists' are the same thing;

 You sincerely believe the United States is a 'Christian' nation;

 You believe bailing out corporations is good, but helping poor people is bad for them;

 You believe it's their own damned fault poor people can't afford health insurance;

 You believe government should be run as a business;

 You think 'tax cuts' and 'trickle-down economics' are the only economic policies the country needs; 

You believe 'Freedom of Religion' means freedom to practice Christianity only;

 You favor funding prisons over funding schools;

 You believe the best educations are gotten at home or religious private schools;

 You hold many strong opinions you can not explain;

 You proudly display a 'Buy American' bumper sticker on your Beemer;

 You think Rick Perry is a real Texas cowboy;

 You can justify Jesus as a welfare hating militaristic capitalist;

 You can physically hear, but are incapable of listening to opposing views;

 You believe the NRA defends constitutional rights and the ACLU are communist traitors;

 You can call yourself as a "ditto head" without a feeling of irony or shame;

 You believe the poor, and sick or hungry children don't exist if you can't see or hear them;

 You own more than one hand gun;

 You have an assault rifle in your closet;

 You have never noticed the physical resemblances between George W. Bush,  Howdy Doody, Coco the Monkey & Alfred E. Neuman;

 You think hate is an perfectly acceptable Christian virtue;

You believe Americans are God's chosen people - no matter what those damned jews claim;

 You actually believe invading another country doesn't create more hate and terrorists;

 You believe George W. Bush is a 'real Texan' who made it good all on his own;

 You believe welfare and tax breaks are OK for corporations because they 'create jobs';

 You believe corporations are 'people';

 You still wonder why Archie Bunker in the 'All In The Family' show was so funny to some people; 

You haven't had a library card since grade school;

 You think "shock and awe" is the greatest military strategy ever;

You celebrated when 'Mission Accomplished' was announced;

 You believe planning an invasion without an exit strategy is great military policy;

 You think all unemployment would disappear if only the minimum wage were lowered;

 You believe capitalism, Christianity and the Free Market can solve everything;

 You think separation of church and state is an assault on religious freedom;

 You don't believe in government regulations except for women, Democrats and dark-skinned people; 

You believe owning a .50 caliber assault weapon is a 'God-given right' guaranteed by the Constitution;

 You think letting your kids watch Sesame Street or Teletubbies can make them gay;

 You think requiring a driver's license is OK, but a gun permit is an infringement of your rights;

 You are a pro-lifer and a fervent champion of the death penalty simultaneously; 

You believe dark-skinned people don't have the same rights as white people;

 You can shamelessly pray to God for personal favors right after cheating on your spouse;

 You think Ted Nugent is a great American and actually makes good sense;

 You can use 'God', 'glory' and 'guns' in the same sentence;

 The most heroic persons you can think of are John Wayne and Chuck Norris;

 You sincerely believe the best way to bring "democracy and freedom" to another nation is to bomb the living bejesus out of them;

 You avoided all military service for yourself but loudly and proudly support 'our military';

 You believe your own fixed opinions constitute 'critical thinking';

 You are AGAINST teaching critical thinking in schools since it challenges students' fixed belief systems, and are glad the Texas GOP has actually stated that as official policy;

 You are totally convinced health care for all is a socialist scheme which will destroy the country;

 You think scaring the public with fake alarms is the best way to get their votes;

 You can believe in 'faith based initiatives' and keeping government out of churches' business at the same time;

 You can claim Larry Craig 'just had a wide stance' with a straight face;

 You sneer at Obama using a teleprompter, but ignored George W. Bush's gibberish even when he used one;

 The only blisters you ever had on your hands came from your tennis racket;

 You refuse to acknowledge Jesus was actually a long-haired, dark-skinned hippy type Jewish guy; 

You think flying a Chinese made American flag on your front porch makes you a patriot;

 You believe the more flags you can display, the more patriotic you are;

 You believe the GOP's first priority is to block any legislation introduced by Democrats, even if it is the exact same thing Republicans introduced themselves earlier;

 You believe 'defeating Obama' is far more important than the business of the nation;

 You are secretly envious and jealous of Bill Clinton's sex life;

 You believe Bill Clinton's sexual adventures almost destroyed democracy as we know it;

 You believe the Earth is 6,000 years old and anyone saying otherwise is 'attacking Christianity';

 You worry about your job being 'outsourced', yet vigorously support tax cuts for your company's CEO;

 You believe the 9/11 attacks on George W. Bush's watch were Clinton's fault;

 You are now convinced Dwight Eisenhower was really a 'RINO';

 You think Sarah Palin, George W. Bush and Dan Quayle are all very bright people who simply have trouble expressing themselves;

 You secretly think Sarah Palin makes George W. Bush look smart, but won't admit it;

 You believe patriots must always support their government 'right or wrong' unless a Democrat is in charge;

 You think marijuana users should all be jailed but Rush Limbaugh just made a completely understandable and unfortunate mistake by  taking drugs illegally;

 You sincerely believe 'God' is always on your side;

 The only Constitutional Amendments you actually know are the first two;

 You can not see the irony in ranting about 'communists' while your own party's official color is 'red'; 

You believe your right to 'free speech' is for everyone except your opposition;

 You believe repeating proven lies often enough will make them come true;

 You claim you love 'democracy', yet want to disenfranchise all liberals, dark-skinned people, Muslims, socialists and Democrats;

 You fantasize about getting it on with Saran Palin, Michelle Bachmann or Ann Coulter;

 You secretely fantasize about getting it on with Ted Haggard, Arnold Schwartzenegger or male strippers while trying to make love to your wife (or husband);

 You believe intensive education leads to snobbery and elitism and must be resisted;

 You think homosexuality is a choice which is spread by homosexuals;

 You sincerely believe prayer will 'cure' homosexuality;

 You support the National Rifle Association but demonize the National Education Association;

 You believe all undocumented persons should be rounded up and deported somewhere, even if born in this country - except your cook, gardner or nanny of course;

 You believe 'abstinence only' is better than sex education and condoms in preventing unwanted pregnancies;

 You think 'greed' is the most required and beneficial attribute in any capitalist society;

 You believe choosing a career not motivated by profit means you are communist;

 You call women who demand fair and equal treatment 'Feminazis';

 You believe the best way to help poor people is giving more money to rich people;

 You believe scientific textbooks must and should be edited by scientifically illiterate political hacks; 

You believe 'protecting freedom' is best done by thugs with automatic weapons and official badges; 

You believe voluntary pollutions standards work;

 You insist saving 1.5 million American  jobs with the GM and Chrysler bailouts is 'socialism';

 You consider those who disagree with you as treasonous liberal wienies, and communists;

 You think people should go to prison for smoking any vegetation besides tobacco;

 You get a hard-on watching NASCAR races, football, wrestling and boxing matches;

 You think military force should be the first tool used in international diplomacy;

 You think there is rampant voter fraud which can be cured by picture ID's;

 You insist there there is no voter fraud at the local level in GOP districts;

 You think eliminating welfare, Social Security, Medicaid and programs for the needy will return the country to prosperity;

 You cheered when Congress attacked NPR, Planned Parenthood and gay rights;

 You scream Obama is a 'Kenyan Tax and Spend Socialist' even while taxes are the lowest since 1950;

 You think money is the exact same thing as free speech;

 You say the Christian God protects 'the faithful', while ignoring most natural disasters seem to occur in the Bible Belt;

 You call Al Gore and Michael Moore 'fat traitors' but think Rush Limbaugh is a 'great patriot';

 You actually can listen to a complete Rush Limbaugh broadcast without barfing;

 You think corporations are 'people' but laws which put 'people' in jail don't apply to them;

 You aren't bothered that our nation's rich 'jobs creators' are creating all their jobs overseas;

 You believe that it is their damned own fault people are born into poverty, and it serves them right by God; 

You think the 95% of all scientists who warn of global warming are part of a vast, conspiracy;

 You think an "HMO" may be either a cable TV channel or a queer;

 You think trading with Cuba is treasonous, but trading with communist China or Vietnam is OK since it is 'free trade' and good for business;

 The support NO TAXES except poll taxs;

 You believe in 'states rights' except rights for women or gays;

 You believe the best way to save health care tax money is not provide health care;

 You think digging the hole deeper is the best way out of it;

 You have ever been 'born again';

 You think the ACLU is anti-American except for the times they defended Oliver North and Rush Limbaugh by mistake;

 You believe regulations for multi-national corporations are anti-American, communist inspired plots; 

You think that everything has really gone downhill in the country since 1900;

 You believe Saudi Arabians are our democratic freedom-loving friends in the Middle East;

 You believe Republican sex scandals are 'private matters' but scandals for all others must be fully exposed and publicized; 

You seriously insist the welfare of its people is not the business of government;

 'Progress' to you means returning to how things were 75 years ago;

 You believe ignoring the needs and welfare of its citizens is good for the country;

 You believe "Intelligent Design" can be proven through fossil records;

 You insist 'Creationism' be taught in school but evolution and climate change are 'junk science' and  must not be taught;

 You support eliminating sex education, birth control and abortions in the same breath;

 You think HMOs and insurance companies have the public's best interests at heart;

You believe Jesus hates queers, socialists, liberals and Democrats, and anyone else you don't like;

 You think George W. Bush deserves all the credit for hunting down and killing Osama Bin Ladin;

 You think Christian prayer in schools should be required, but nothing else, most especially no Muslim prayers;

 You think 'progressive' is a dirty word;

 You sincerely believe cutting taxes on rich people will increase tax revenues;

 You believe big corporations are motivated by compassion for people, ever;

 Reading the above makes you see 'red';

 You haven't laughed at any of the above!