God is on Rick Perry’s Side!*

Rick Perry was interviewed by Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly shortly after the debate hosted by ABC on December 10, 2011:

O’Reilly: Welcome Rick!

Perry: Thank you Bill. Glad to be here.

O’Reilly: Well Rick, you sure gave a better account of yourself in the last debate.

Perry: Well thanks, yep. I studied up for this one and I guess it showed.

O’Reilly: Sure did. At least you didn’t make a stupid mistake like you did when you listed off three things then could only remember one and a half of them.

Perry: Yep. That was a real ‘oops’ moment for me there. Made me look foolish and stupid.

O’Reilly: I cringed for you when that happened. I said to myself, ‘Gosh. That sure did make Perry seem stupid.’

Perry: Ain’t that the truth? But, I ain’t really a stupid man - I just play one on TV sometimes. Just can’t seem to help it now and again.

O’Reilly: (Laughs) I’m saying one thing though Rick. You sure do have the presidential look to you.

Perry: Well, that ain’t an accident Bill. I practice looking like that. My mama used to tell me, ‘you got to look like what you want to be.’ ‘Course, she wanted me to be a preacher, and I guess you could say a preacher look is a lot like a presidential look in many ways.

O’Reilly: Yes, you sure seem to have that part down. I don’t believe any of your competition look as much like a president as well as you do.

Perry: Nope, I agree. But, remember another thing Bill. In a way being a president is a lot like being a preacher. Or, a governor. I mean being a governor is like being a preacher too in some ways. 

O’Reilly: How so?

Perry: Well, you know we give a lot of speeches and talks standing behind a podium like a preacher. It’s what I like to call it the ‘godly look’, and I practice that. And, you know like hand gestures. Holding your hands in a prayerful way, and moving out from behind the podium to make a point like a preacher. All that promotes the godly look. I have to confess I sometimes practice my godly look in front of a mirror.

O’Reilly: Godly look?

Perry: Yep. And, it ain’t an accident either. I AM a godly man. I brought God with me back into the Texas statehouse. I did that because God told me to do it.

O’Reilly: God told you?

Perry: Oh, yes. I’ll never forget it. He said to me, ‘Rick’ - we’ve been on real familiar terms since I've been governor - He said to me, ‘Rick, I’m counting on you, and I want you to save Texas, and steer Texas back onto the path of righteousness. Texas has been losing her way under democrat influence, and the queers, and you got to put a stop to that!’

O’Reilly: Oh, really? I mean, God talks to you in person?

Perry: Sure does. Every day. Oh, I know there’s plenty who’ll say it’s just in my head. That I’m hearing God in my imagination. But, I’m here to tell you God picks out some people to do his work here on Earth, and I’m one of them. No doubt about that. And, that’s why I’m doing all I can to do God’s work.

O’Reilly: Well, Michelle Bachmann says exactly the same thing.

Perry: Michelle is just a wannabe, and she doesn't really have the platform like I do. Saying it's so doesn't make it so. There's no way God would pick her to do His work.

O’Reilly: His work? You mean like having an official Texas day of prayer for rain to combat the drought?

Perry: Oh yes. That was just one of the things God told me to do.

O’Reilly: Well, some folks will say, in fact a lot of folks will say that hasn’t exactly worked out. They’ll say the Texas drought is now actually much, much worse now than before all the prayers. And, they’ll say it is much worse in Texas than anyplace else.

Perry: Well they can say anything they want. It’s a free country. But, my answer to that is God has his reasons. There’s a mighty good reason God wants a drought in Texas. We just don’t know His reason. Maybe it's a way to bring folks back to God's house. Sure has worked out that way.

O’Reilly: But, if God wanted a drought in Texas why would He ask you to have the entire state pray for rain?

Perry: Bill, like I said, maybe it's a way to bring people back to God. But, it is not for man to question God. Ever. Like I said, I don’t know why God wants there to be a drought, but He wants one or else we wouldn’t have one. I do know we can’t second guess God. God works in his own mysterious ways and and I can tell you He has his reasons, I know they are darn good reasons too, and if and when He wants us to know, he’ll let us know. God does not answer to man, but man must answer to God.

O’Reilly: Amen, Rick. But, I also wanted to ask you about that ad you got so much criticism over from gay people and non-Christians.

Perry: What about it?

O’Reilly: Well, many people are saying it was over the top, that you emphasized Christianity too much and were disrespectful to gays.

Perry: Well, this is a Christian nation Bill, and I was just pointing that out. And gays and lesbians are an abomination in God’s eyes, and this administration lets them serve openly in the military.

O’Reilly: Well Rick, I’m going to play devil’s advocate here. Many people dispute this is a Christian nation, and surveys show up to 25% of all Americans are homosexuals. Are you telling me you would rule out one quarter of the population from serving the defense of the country?

Perry: I don’t care how many people dispute anything.The majority of Americans are Christians, and the majority rules. If the majority wants this to be a Christian nation, then that’s what it is. As for the queers, that’s where I agree with the Taliban. We need to take them all out and stone them to death.

O’Reilly: Kill 25% of all Americans?

Perry: Damned right! People are always complaining about over population anyway. Why not kill two birds with one stone, so to speak, if you’ll pardon my pun?

O’Reilly: Pardon accepted as I happen to agree with you. OK then, back to the Christians. The First Amendment to the Constitution says, ‘"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof..."

Perry: That’s exactly right! Congress doesn’t have any right to say this ain’t a Christian nation! And if the Constitution did, it would need to be changed!

O’Reilly: But, there are lots of Jews and Muslims and a lot of other religions in this country who could be offended if this were declared to be a Christian nation.

Perry: Did you not hear what I said Bill? Majority rules! If those others don’t want to be Christian to live in a Christian nation they can leave, by God!

O’Reilly: Gosh, Rick. Research shows 60 to 70% of Americans claim to be Christians of one sort or another. Population in the US is around 310 million, so if  say 35% are non-Christians, we’d be left with around 200 million. Then take out 25% of those as being homosexuals stoned to death, that would leave just 150 million people in the country - less than half of today’s, and actually less than what we had back in 1950. That would be turning back the clock 60 some odd years!

Perry: Yep. And that’s what I’d call being just about a perfect world Bill. The 1950’s were some glorious years in this county Bill. Of course I don't remember them well myself since I was a small child, but that's what my folks tell me, and they were just good Texas Christians.

O’Reilly: Well, I'm a year or so older and I remember them, and it is true the 'fifties were some great times. I can’t help from being nostalgic for the Joe McCarthy years myself. He was just a half century ahead of his time.

Perry: Oh yes, well, we’ve got a chance now to set things right again, if you’ll pardon my pun. When I’m elected President of the United States that’s just what you will see.

O’Reilly: Well, you’ve still got a lot of opposition, and you are still down in the polls.

Perry: I don’t pay attention to polls Bill. I don’t need to since I’ve got God on my side.

O’Reilly: Yes you do. I wish you luck Rick.

Perry: Like I said Bill, I don’t need luck. I’ve got God on my side.

* This is a parody on the bizarreness of some potential GOP nominees. If we can't make fun of the these bozos, we are in some real trouble.

Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

Want to do something progressive which is both delicious and effective?  Read on:

Progressives wonder at the obtuseness of some of the worst of the Right Wing idiocy. Like Ann Coulter’s ‘perfection’ of Jews, and Rick Perry’s officially praying for rain, and Michelle Bachmann’s husband’s group for ‘Praying The Gay Away’. And then there’s all the blather about the sins of abortion, the U.S. being a ‘Christian Nation’, and illegal immigration and so on and on and on. If you are a student of history you know the right wing reactionary compulsion is very old, going back to the beginning of recorded time. 

It is a sort of, ‘he or she is not like me, so I’ve got to compel him/her to conform to my way of thinking’.

Right wing conservatives seem to find so many things to be alarmed about. Who knows why they get so exercised and reactionary? My theory is this syndrome is fueled mostly by fear, and its cousin hate, with some envy and jealousy thrown in for good measure - but those are themes for future blogs.

Money seems to be a huge concern for right wingers, and is THE ruling factor in so many of their lives. We progressives need money too of course, but most of us are not so dominated by a primary interest in it. To us money is a means for sustenance and survival and not a tool for control. However, this is not to say money can not be used as a voice.

We all have our favorite causes, and many progressive ideas are just so much anathema to conservatives. So much the better, and therein lies our concept. We often contribute money for our causes, and get a feeling of satisfaction from doing so. But, how about DOUBLING that feeling? 

It is easy really: Just think a little about a cause you may be interested in, and then think of some high profile right winger who is in vocal opposition to it. Once you’ve settled on your right winger, donate to your cause IN THEIR NAME. Make sure you research their name and mailing address so any thank you response from the cause goes directly to your right winger. This can be so, so rewarding and gratifying. Besides directly helping your cause and irritating your target, this lets them know there is someone out there ready and willing to put their money where their mouth is in opposition. Another benefit is your right winger can be seen, albeit indirectly, as actually supporting the cause they vocalize against. 

Sweet!

For example, I myself have donated to the ACLU in Ken Starr’s name, to Planned Parenthood in Sarah Palin’s name, and the Wisconsin Teacher’s Union in Governor Scott Walker’s name. There are so many possibilities you may need to set a budget for your donations to keep things under control.

And, I recommend doing just that by making a list of your right wing ‘donor honorees’ and the causes they are to be honored with. When you sit down to write that check, the feeling is great!

No, Rick Perry Wasn’t Drunk!

Some people thought Rick Perry could have been drunk, or stoned, or off his meds, or on his meds too much, or a combination of several of those things during a speech he gave in New Hampshire on October 28, 2011. Indeed, Perry did seem loopy, bizarrely flippant and drunkenly carefree at times, saying  nutty things, slurring his words and making extravagant gestures. But it was simply all part of his master plan says Perry.

“Hey look,” he said, “I’ve got to get noticed. I’ve slid in the polls lately and I’m only doing some of the stuff which helped Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, Rick Santorum and some of those other bat shit crazies get bumps in their charts when they did the same thing.”

“I’m rebooting my campaign like I said the other day. And, I sure as Hell don’t want to come off all professorial and superior acting like Mitt Romney and various other intellectuals I don’t need to name for you.” Perry left unclear whether he was referring to Newt Gingrich, Karl Rove or Joe-the-Plumber Wurzelbacher. “I’m just a simple down-to-earth guy.” he claimed.

“In fact, the simpler things are the better I like ‘em.” Perry explained. “That’s exactly why I’ll always be a strict creationist and won’t ever pollute my mind with silly notions like evolution. All that evolution stuff is just too damned confusing for a cowboy like me. And, that’s why I am a good Christian too. Besides Christianity being what I always had crammed down my throat as a boy, it’s a Hell of a lot simpler and easier to believe in than trying to figure out all that scientific heeby-jeebiness which just makes my head hurt. I’m leave that up to the eggheads who have the time for it. If they can come up with something they like better than what’s in the Bible, well halleleluja for them. They just don’t want to be trying to teach that stuff in our schools, at least in Texas by God. Myself, as a man of action, I just don’t have the time for all that science crap. If Christianity was good enough for Jesus and George W. Bush, it’s good enough for me too, by God.”

Perry explained that his speech was intended to be on the bizarre side from the beginning. “So’s our regular conservative folks can relate to it.” he said. “Hell, our Tea Party folks are gonna reject it out of hand if it makes any sense at all anyway. They can claim to want the truth all day long, but what they really want is the crazy stuff, and the crazier the better. Don’t you dare be trying to bring them any facts if you want their support.”

“And we’re the only true patriots and the only ones still holding the country together right now.” Perry explained. “It’s ‘Live Free or Die’ and ‘Victory or Death’, and ‘Bring It On’ you know.  Ain’t no middle ground on our patriotism.”

“And that’s another reason we’ve got to stamp out all those Global Warming notions too. That ain’t nothing but a liberal communist plot to weaken our economy and our country so socialism can take over. So what if it’s a few degrees warmer this year than last? Hell! That’s just weather, and you’ll always have weather if you like it or not! Jesus never worried about a little hot or cold did he?”

“I don’t care what all those scientific ‘’experts’ say either.” Perry went on. “If they’s so all-fired ‘expert’ and smart, how come they ain’t running things? How come one-a-them ain’t the Governor of the great state of Texas ‘stead of me, for example? I’ll tell you why! It’s ‘cause the salt of the earth people like me got way better sense about what’s real and important than they do, that’s why! You can forget about all that scientific fact baloney.”

“And, as long as we can keep getting elected, we’ll keep the country safe, conservative and Christian too. And, that’s exactly why I’m running for president of these United States of America!”

A Whole Lot of Hat and Damned Little Cattle

“Wal,” said the cowboy as he blew the smoke from the barrels of his imaginary six-shooters, after the televised debate. “I guess I showed them varmints.”

“What varmints?” wondered one witness.

“Them panty waisted wannabes, o’ course.” he responded. “They ain’t got the right stuff, ain’t got the horsepower. None of ‘em do. I’m the one with the horsepower!”

“Yes, you took the fight right to them, but they got some good licks in on you too.” said the witness.

“Don’t matter none. I’m gonna blow ‘em all away. I got the image, I got the style, and most important I got the record. Cain’t none a-them touch my record.”

“What record is that?” asked the witness. 

“Job creation an’ tax cuttin’!” said the cowboy. “We created a million jobs in my state while the US Gummint lost 2 million, an’ I run the most business friendly state in the country.”

“But, wasn’t the job growth because of the gas and oil boom?” asked the witness.

“Wal, course it was mostly, but don’t forget since I was running things I still get the credit.”

“So, are you taking credit for the highest state illiteracy rate in the country?” asked the witness.

“Tain’t my fault. We got all them wetbacks coming across the border, and that’s bound to hurt our record.”

“How’s about having the lowest high school graduation rate in the country?” asked the witness.

“Same answer.” said the cowboy laconically.

“And that wouldn’t have anything to do with your state being dead last in teacher pay in the nation?” asked the witness.

“Nawp.”

“OK, then,” said the witness. “What about being dead last in money spent for citizens?”

“Nawp. Same answer. We cain’t go spending money we don’t have, on people who ain’t even citizens. Leastwise, and still be cutting taxes for business.”

“But, by giving tax breaks for business, aren’t you putting more burdens on everyday citizens, and especially for those who can least afford it?” asked the witness.

“Nawp. Not the way I see it.”

“So, that’s why your state ranks second in the nation on sales tax, #1 in the poverty level, first in people without health insurance, first in starving children, and next to last in money to help the mentally ill?” asked the witness.

“Look,” said the cowboy. “I done tole you why we got problems, and it’s those wetbacks, and the lazy, and the folks who won’t go out and get a good paying job to he’p themselves.”

“What if they can’t find a decent job?” asked the witness. “What if they’re so poorly educated they can’t get a job? Or so poor they can’t afford child care or transportation?”

“An’ the gummint is supposed to take care of them?” snorted the cowboy. “I don’t think so, leastwise in my state. And, if they cain’t afford child care they oughtn’t to have kids.”

“Your state is second in the nation in numbers of teenage pregnancies, mostly because young people don’t have access to sex education or birth control. 94% of your state’s schools teach ‘abstinence only’ birth control. What can you expect them to do if they don’t have enough money to buy food for themselves, or for their babies?” asked the witness. “Most states help their most vulnerable citizens, if for nothing else, to keep them from turning to crime to survive.”

“We deal with that differently. All I can say, is if someone commits a crime in my state, we put ‘em in jail.”

“So, maybe that’s why your state has the highest incarceration rate in the nation, and the biggest number of adults under probation?” asked the witness. “and, the highest execution rate per capita than anyplace in the world?”

“Mebbe so. If they do the crime, let ‘em do the time, or we’ll drop the dime, is my motto.” said the cowboy. “An’ besides, the prison industry is a growth industry in my state.

“That’s a pretty cold attitude coming from someone who claims to be a born again Christian.” said the witness. “And, I can’t help noticing the prison industry benefits from having ever more inmates.”

“Look,” snorted the cowboy. “I’m a business friendly governor in a business friendly state, and an Old Testament Christian. I don’t hold with all that liberal stuff in the New Testament!”

“But, prisons cost billions of taxpayer dollars, and you are presiding over your state’s over $34 billion dollar budget deficit!” protested the witness.

“An’, that’s exackly why we’ve cut public payrolls and done away with non-essential things in the public sector! Teachers, policemen, Medicare, things like that!”

“Fire protection?” asked the witness.

“Wal yeah, some o’ that too.”

“Some? I see where you cut the state fire protection budget by 75%, causing thousands of firefighters to be laid off or furloughed.” said the witness.

Wal yeah, we have to live within our means.”

"You cut $25 million out of the budget for firefighting, and over $300 million in houses burned up." said the witness. "Sounds sort of counter-productive to me. And, what will you say to the 1200 to 1500 or so homeowners who lost their homes due to wildfires, and not having enough firefighters or resources to protect them?”

“Wal, I guess most of 'em had insurance, and I’d tell ‘em they better had their insurance paid up.”

“Even though your state has the second highest home insurance rates in the nation, and this will cause them to go up even higher?”

“Gotta he’p the insurance companies stay in business so’s they can pay claims! Besides, I need to tell you I’ve appealed to FEMA for disaster relief.”

“I thought back in January you said FEMA needed to be reformed and ought to get out of the disaster relief business.” said the witness.

“Wal, that was before the wildfires, and not being able to control them. Right now jist ain’t the time to reform FEMA. An’ anyway, theys no way you can blame them fires on me, is there?”

“Well no.” said the witness. “I’m certainly not trying to do that. But, I do recall back in April you asked people to pray for rain to help the drought and stop the wildfires. In fact, you issued an official proclamation for ‘Days of Prayer for Rain in the State of Texas’. Didn’t that work?”

“Wal, I know all the Christian prayers had to help, but God was prob’ly upset about gittin’ all those other infidel prayers that probably came up, you know Jewish, Islamic, Hindu, even Buddhist. All that crazy heathen stuff. That may be why he turned his back on Texas, and I cain’t take responsibility for that - and I won’t.

“I can’t help but notice you don’t take responsibility for anything bad, but jump right on anything good. What do you have to say about that?” asked the witness.

“Wal, whut can I say? I ain’t apologizing. I’m a Texakan politician.” said cowboy Rick Perry.

Texas Governor Rick Perry’s Amazing Track Record

Texas Governor Rick Perry, the longest serving governor in the country likes to brag Texas under his brand of Republican leadership gained more jobs that any other state in the nation. This turns out to be entirely true. But, it may not be quite the rosy picture the governor paints. 

Texas is #1 in jobs creation? 

* Heck, that's nothing! Texas ranks ‘First’ in many other areas too!

• Number of Executions­–1st 
• Percent of Uninsured Children–1­st
• Percent of Population Uninsured–­1st
• Percent of Non-Elderl­y Uninsured–­1st
• Amount of Carbon Dioxide Emissions–­1st
• Amount of Hazardous Waste Generated–­1st
• Amount of Toxic Chemicals Released into Water–1st
• Amount of Volatile Organic Compounds Released into Air–1st
• Amount of Recognized Cancer-Cau­sing Carcinogen­s Released into Air–1st

Some other high Texas rankings:

• Percent of Children Living in Poverty–4t­h
• Income Inequality Between the Rich and the Middle Class–5th
• Percent of Women Living in Poverty–6t­h
• Teenage Birth Rate–7th
• Percent of Women with Pre-Term Birth–9th
• Income Inequality Between the Rich and the Poor–9th
• Foreclosur­e Rates-10th
• Births to Unmarried Mothers–17­th

Alas, Texas is well down the scale in other areas:

• High School Graduation Rate–43rd
• Health Care Expenditure­es per Capita–44t­h
• Women’s Voter Registration­–45th
• Scholastic Assessment Test (SAT) Scores–45t­h
• Percent of Population Who Visit the Dentist–46­th
• Retirement Plan Participat­ion–47th
• Median Net Worth of Households­–47th
• Mortgage Debt as Percent of Home Value–47th
• State Aid Per Pupil in Average Daily Attendance­–47th
• Average Monthly Women, Infant, and Children (WIC) Benefits per Person–47t­h
• Percent of Population with Employer-B­ased Health Insurance–­48th
• Average Credit Score–49th
• Women’s Voter Turnout–49­th
• Per Capita State Spending on Medicaid–4­9th
• Percent of Low Income Population Covered by Medicaid–4­9th
• Workers’ Compensati­on Coverage–5­0th
• Per Capita State Spending on Mental Health–50t­h
• Percent of Non-Elderl­y Women with Health Insurance–­50th
• % of Population 25 and Older with High School Diploma–50­th
• Percent of Pregnant Women Receiving Prenatal Care in First Trimester–­50th

Lord, protect us from Texas Governor Rick riding in on his evangelical white horse to ‘save’ the nation!

* Thanks to poster AerinGael in CNN 8/14/11 

Rick Perry Connects With Jesus

Texas Governor Rick Perry, very satisfied with himself after his big Prayer meeting was relaxing in his hotel room in a fancy Houston hotel when the telephone rang.  Perry never answered telephones unless he expected a call. He answered this call, but found it was not who he expected:

Perry:  “Hello . . . ”

Jesus:  “Rick Perry, are you there?”

Perry:  “Who the hell is this?”

Jesus:  “It’s me. Your Lord and savior. Are you sure you’re Governor Rick Perry?”

Perry:  “Yep, Goddamned right I am sure! Now, who in hell is this and how in hell did you get this number?”

Jesus:  “I’m the Lord, Jesus Christ to you. And I have any number I want. All by myself I’m kinda like an early version of the internet, only I just ‘know’, you know. Sorta like ‘Dex Knows’ - only better and quicker.”

Perry:  “Yeah right! Jesus Christ my aching ass! Now, how’d you get through on this damned line anyway?”

Jesus:  “You were in the bathroom snorting coke just now, Ricky boy, now weren’t you? Right?”

Perry:  “ . . . . . wha . . . . how, what the hell . . .?”

Jesus:  “And, right now you’re wearing your favorite pink silk Speedo briefs with the little valentine hearts on them too, right?”

Perry:  “(Gasp!) . . well, . . . no, er. well, yeah, ah . . . . now, wait just a damned minute! How do you know all this shit anyhow? Are you stalking me?”

Jesus:  “I told you I was Jesus Christ, didn’t I?”

Perry:  “Well yeah, but . . . “

Jesus:  “And, when you answered the phone you figured I was that cross-dressing transvestite you arranged for earlier to come have a little fun right?

Perry:  “Jesus Christ!”

Jesus:  “Yes, that’s exactly right! Now that you are getting your mind straight, I need to have a little chat with you.”

Perry:  “Holy Shit! Gosh, er, Jesus, I mean, Lord - I’m sorry about all that stuff - I didn’t mean none of it. You just caught me off guard you see, and I was just testing to find out who was violating the law or something by calling me. Understand? Jesus, you do understand, right?”

Jesus:  “Oh sure I understand Ricky. I know all about you evangelical Christians. I’ve been dealing with your types for centuries. And, a lot of them are enjoying a hot time in Hell right now too, let me tell you. But, that’s another matter for another time as far as you are concerned. Right now I want to talk to you about your so-called prayer meeting.”

Perry:  “Oh, Jesus! Right Lord! I hope you liked it . . . .I, I tried to be make it good for you.”

Jesus:  “Sure you did Ricky boy. But both you and I know that’s a total crock of bullshit. You did it for one reason and one reason only, and that’s because you want to make a run for the presidency and figured on grabbing the evangelical vote.”

Perry:  “No, no, ah, er, it’s not like that at all . . . . I’m a totally faithful and sincere Christian, Lord. I’m right there in your corner like I’ve always been.”

Jesus:  “Oh sure you are Rick, when it’s convenient. But, let’s cut to the chase, shall we? You are a lying frigging hypocrite and we both know that. So, quit your weak and whiny lying will you? Frankly it’s cowardly, embarrassing  and wastes my time.”

Perry:  “No, really, I . . . .”

Jesus:  “Shut the hell up Rick, and listen! Any more lying and I’ll nail your ass right now!”

Perry:  “Yessir. I’m listening Lord . . .”

Jesus:  “Good. Now, about that so-called prayer meeting. You know praying for jobs is a crock, right?” 

Perry:  “Well, no, yeah, I, er, ah . . .”

Jesus:  “Shut up Rick. Don’t try to lie to me, or I’ll fry your ass. Praying for jobs, or anything like that is totally stupid, a fairy tale. But then no one ever said either you or evangelical Christians were the sharpest knives in the drawer, did they?

Perry:  “Well, no, er . . . but, “

Jesus:  “I told you to shut up Rick. I mean all that praying for rain you had folks doing for Texas back in April really worked, didn’t it? That should have told you something right there.”

Perry:  “Well, I thought . . .”

Jesus:  “Shut up Rick. That’s just the trouble, you don’t think. Maybe you can’t think. You figure you can grab some easy votes by playing up to the evangelical crazies, and you might be right about that, but that’s it. All that bullshit praying for rain won’t and didn’t bring any rain, did it? None. Zippo. Nada. ”

Perry:  “Well, er . . .”

Jesus:  “I told you to shut the hell up Rick. Now zip it!”

Perry:  “Yessir. Zipped.”

Jesus:  “Good. Now, keep it that way. Praying for rain and jobs is one thing, but all that craziness about ‘Praying the Gay Away’ just takes the frigging cake. When I heard that crap I just about pulled the plug on your ass, Ricky boy. But, then I though, ‘Well, why not? Why not let that obtuse asshole show the entire world how stupid he really is?’ And, that’s working in spades too, let me tell you. Everybody has you spotted now Rick. Trouble is, you loopy evangelicals have it all completely wrong. Pray the gay away my flowing purple robe! Don’t you imbeciles realize gays are part of God’s plan too, just like Blacks, and Mexicans and midgets, Norwegians, geniuses, and the blind, lame and alcoholics, and so on and on and on? Even you noxious evangelicals are part of God's plan, and what in Hell makes you think that you, you idiots, get to decide what is to be and what isn’t to be? Huh?”

Perry:  “Well, I . . .”

Jesus:  “Shut the hell up Rick.”

Perry:  “Yessir.”

Jesus:  “And, then I found out no non-Christians would be allowed on the stage or to speak at your prayer meeting. I gotta tell you Rick, when I heard that, I just about showered the wrath of God down on the whole damned shooting match. Still might, because I know who you are and where you live. I’m still mighty pissed, but I think I'm gonna let that slide for now, for most of you idiots.”

Perry:  “Yessir.”

Jesus:  “And Rick, this is just a friendly call for the sake of your family, a fair warning if you will, so listen up.” 

Perry:  “Yessir?”

Jesus:  “Rick, make damned sure your life insurance is paid up and your will is up to date, OK?”

Perry:  “Jesus Christ!”

Jesus:  “Yepper! You got that right!”

AN INTERVIEW WITH SARAH PALIN *

Potential candidates are jockeying for the 2012 GOP presidential nomination. Some of the front runners are considered to be, not in any particular order, Sarah Palin, Mitt Romney,  Mike Huckabee, Ron Paul and possibly Governor Rick Perry of Texas.


Sarah Palin, who seems to be positioning herself for the nomination was recently interviewed by Rolling Stones magazine reporter Hugh Upps:

UPPS:  “Thanks for taking the time to meet with me Ms. Palin.“

PALIN:  “Not at all, Hugh.“

UPPS:  “It’s now being said you no longer have a chance at the Republican nomination for President in 2012. What do you have to say to that?“

PALIN:  “Well Hugh, first I’d like to say I have never sought the nomination. It’s just that everyone wants me to run and it is thrust on me. I have no personal ambitions at all you know. I’m just a simple Alaskan housewife who only wants to make a safe home for her family.“

UPPS:  “Simple housewife? How does that square with your multi-million-dollar book contracts, your mega-million-dollar Fox News programs and all those hundred-thousand dollar speaking engagements?“

PALIN:  “Oh, I’m just taking advantage of a few extra dollars where I can. A woman has to look to the future you know.“

UPPS:  “Do you think being president is good for your family’s future?“

PALIN:  “My being president will be good for everyone’s future in our christian nation. I’m the only one who can get this country back on track, back to the core christian values our forefathers founded our country on. I’m the only hope we have left.  Without me, the country is guaranteed to go to hell in a hand basket“

UPPS:  “So, you say you are the ONLY one who can save us?“

PALIN:  “You, betcha, Hugh. I think so.“

UPPS:  “Well, they say you are far behind some of the others in the polls, like Romney and Ron Paul.  Maybe even Rick Perry in Texas.“

PALIN:  “Not a problem, Hugh. I can kick their butts anytime I want to.“

UPPS:  “How do you figure?“

PALIN:  “Well, you can forget about Rick Perry. He’s just a pretty-faced cheerleader and he's now about to get his pretty butt kicked by some panty-waist liberal democrat of all things, down there in Texas as we speak.

UPPS:  “Aren’t you sort of thought of as being a pretty-faced pin-up girl yourself?”

PALIN:  “Not at all.  I’m just a plain and simple Alaska girl.  If I happen to seem cute to some people, what about it?”

UPPS:  “Okay. What about the other competition besides Perry?“

PALIN:  “Ron Paul will probably die of old age before the nomination.  And Romney, he is Mormon you know.“

UPPS:  “Does that make a difference?“

PALIN:  “Well, yes, you betcha.  Mormons are not really christians you know. They say they are some kinda ‘Merican jews.  They call themselves God’s chosen you know and I just have to laugh at that.  Everyone knows God always choses christians! I have the christian vote all sewed up!“

UPPS:  “You do?“

PALIN:  “You betcha, Hugh!  When it comes to bible-thumping, with my credentials I can out-thump the best of them.  And, how many other Republicans can say they have actually been exorcised?  And, maybe you didn’t notice, but I have personally interceded and called on God’s divine intervention on that oil spill in the gulf.  I have absolute faith God will answer my prayers and stop that gusher. When that happens I’m  a shoo-in, not only for the Republican nomination, but for the presidential election itself. I’m sure of that.“

UPPS:  “Wow!  You’re kidding, right?“

PALIN:  “Not at all, Hugh.  I’m as serious as a heart attack.  God is 100% on my side.“

UPPS:  “What if God doesn’t answer your prayers about the oil spill?”

PALIN:  ‘That will be because he will have another purpose and that will be his will. I can guess, but I don’t always know what God’s will will be. I do know it will always be for a higher purpose and I can’t chose to try to second guess God.  Ever. I would never try to place myself above God, Hugh, no matter how tempting that might be.”

UPPS:  “That’s good to know, but there are lot’s of other constituencies out there besides christians. What about the others?“

PALIN:  “Well Hugh, for one thing, when I have my way only good christians will ever be allowed to vote.  And, remember; the Tea Party people absolutely adore me. I consider them the real ‘Mericans and have lots more faith in them than all those intellectuals and smart acting college people all put together. I’ve got 100% of the Tea Party support plus the trailer trash folks. I personally invented the Tea Party you know.“

UPPS:  “I thought the movement was started by Glenn Beck of Fox News.“

PALIN:  “Oh, he helped some, but the movement is mine“

UPPS:  “Are you conservative enough for the neo-cons and folks like the National Rifle Association?“

PALIN:  “Hugh, you’re kidding right? You haven’t seen all those pictures and videos of me shooting automatic weapons? I’ve got all the militias and the black helicopter crowds and all the other crazies all sewed up.You just can’t get any more conservative than I am.  In fact, I would say I qualify as ‘THE Conservative’ in God’s good ol’ US of A. God has chosen me to be our country’s savior, Hugh.“

UPPS:  “Okay then. If you are elected president of the US what changes will you make?“

PALIN:  “Well Hugh first off, I’d lower all taxes of course - completely eliminate them if I can. Income and property taxes will be a thing of the hateful past and we’ll return to the policies of 1776 when our country was founded. We’ll finance things with fees on the poor and the illegal immigrants and things like non-christian schools, churches and synagogues. Then I’d get rid of social security, medicare and all those other socialist programs that are bleeding us dry. I’d double our military forces to protect the country through preemptive strikes against those countries we suspect are threats, like Iran and North Korea and maybe Cuba and France. I’d free up corporations so they can make money and not be hamstrung by all those stupid OSHA and EPA rules and stuff. I’d get rid of public schools and let the market dictate how many schools we should have, all privately financed.  If God wants people to go to school, he will provide them the money.“

UPPS:  “If you do away with all the social programs, what will those who depend on them do?“

PALIN:  “Oh, I wouldn’t do away with all the programs. I’d keep the police and border patrol and stuff like that. For everything else, the people can depend on God just like I do.“

UPPS:  “What about the disabled, and the poor children, the aged and infirm?“

PALIN:  “God will take care of them. When God is ready he will let them die so he can take them home to Jesus if they’re christians. “

UPPS:  “What about all the people who aren’t christians?“

PALIN:  “They will all go straight to hell where they belong. In fact, I don’t know but what God will just go ahead and send them straight to hell right away just as soon as I get in office. It’s just all those socialist programs that enable them to stay around now you know.  That’s what I want to do away with, Hugh.“

UPPS:  “That’s sort of cold don’t you think?“

PALIN:  “Not at all, Hugh. Hell is hot for one thing. And, if they haven’t found God and accepted Jesus by now, they deserve to roast in hell.“

UPPS:  “What about the poor and disadvantaged christians?”

PALIN:  “Well Hugh, God will provide for them until he decides it’s time to take them home to Jesus. Then, he will let them die.”

UPPS:  “Wow!“

PALIN:  “Yep.“

UPPS:  “I’ve heard some people say the reason Republicans adore you so much is you tend to make George W. Bush seem smart.“

PALIN:  “Well hugh, I hope that’s not an insult from you.  And, since I’m a christian lady let me just say those folks can all just go Cheney themselves.“

UPPS:  “I don’t mean it as an insult Ms. Palin, just an observation. So, you do consider yourself intelligent and well-rounded?“

PALIN:  “Well all right then, Hugh.  You betcha. I’m just as intelligent and as well-rounded as anybody needs to be.“

UPPS:  “So, you read books and newspapers and such now?“

PALIN:  “You betcha.“

UPPS:  “Which ones have you read lately?“

PALIN:  “I’ll have to get back to ya on that, hugh.“

UPPS:  “ I noticed you’ve made some major errors in some of the things you’ve said. Like Obama’s ‘death squads’, about the ‘Bridge to Nowhere’, about Obama palling around with terrorists and all sorts of other things.  Some people would call your statements outright lies in fact.  How do you defend those things? “

PALIN:  “Hugh, I didn’t lie and I wasn’t wrong.  I was just misinformed.“

UPPS:  “Are you often misinformed?“

PALIN:  “All the time, Hugh. Almost every day. I can’t help that, Hugh.  Just remember:  It is always the misinformer’s fault, not mine.“

UPPS:  “Have you made any mistakes?“

PALIN:  “None that I actually know about. I might have a few regrets.“

UPPS:  “Like what?“

PALIN:  “Hugh, let me get back to ya on that.”

UPPS:  “Well, I see our time is up Ms. Palin.  I will say goodbye now and thanks for your time.“

PALIN:  “Not at all, Hugh.  You’re perfectly welcome.“


* This is an imaginary interview with Sarah Palin to illuminate her philosophies, if one may call them that.

A Lightning Bolt From Jesus

"And now verily, Thou art mine own annointed one!"

An Alaska blogger named 'HistoryBuff' believes Sarah Palin took her selection as John McCain's running mate as a 'Lightning Bolt From Jesus', and her unrestricted license for unilaterally beginning her own campaign for national office, specifically, the presidency of the United States of America!

And lot's of Palin's actions since then seem to bear this theory out, since they make little sense otherwise. After her 'lightning bolt' selection, everything has been 'always about Sarah', hang anything else including the State of Alaska. Naturally, this gives considerable discontent to Alaska's citizens, where her approval ratings have plummeted from over 90% to the 50's and 60's - but still well over her predecessor's dismal 19% when he left office:

• She said she would refuse the stimulus money - then said she would only refuse 43% of it. Sort of like cheering for funding for the Bridge to Nowhere, then coming out against that boondoggle;

• She took a free ride on the GOP for $150,000 for clothing, plus another $55,000 in hair and personal stylist costs, plus $23,000 in 'accessories;

• After Palin's selection, she quickly morphed into the rogue of the McCain campaign, becoming in the process a Maverick's Maverick (A re-Maverick?);

• She shamelessly used her children as campaign props many times;

• She even horned in uninvited, on her own daughter's TV interview with Fox;

• She's most recently been in the news complaining she couldn't find anyone in the McCain campaign to pray with;

And now, it seems that Jesus' Lightning Bolt could well fissile . . .

Apparently for the publicity, Palin took it upon herself to endorse Texas Republican Governor Rick Perry over another well-known Republican Kay Bailey Hutchison. Perry, who was George W. Bush's Lt. Governor and his successor as governor of Texas, is one of those five Republican governors who, like Sarah 'refused' the Stimulus Package. That's in spite of the fact Texas has the highest child homelessness rates in the nation, lowest expenditure per pupil for Texas childrens' education and many other notable economic deficiencies. But then everyone by now should know the new Republican maxim: "Doctrine over reality".

Palin's endorsement prompted a Texarkana Gazette editorial to declare, "When it comes down to it, Palin doesn’t know Eskimo from Alamo about Texas government and politics.";

Palin still takes flak for her exorbitant use of GOP money for clothing and accessories - roughly a quarter mil or so. One pundit has declared - based on Palin's nearly legendary ignorance on anything outside Alaska - that she most likely simply believes NAFTA stands for, "Need Another Fifty Thousand For Accessories";

Palin repeatedly tries her versions of strong arm politics against her opponents, most of whom are better at the game, and which usually leaves her with egg all over her face. One problem is Sarah keeps trying unfamiliar language to appear knowledgeable and intelligent - and coming up otherwise. Sort of a George W. Bush in lipstick in fact. For example, here's what she told interviewed matt Lauer after the election results were in: "we tried to articulate that we were the true change agent that would progress this nation."

You betcha!

But, Sarah is nothing if not consistently 'radically conservative'. For example, she recently chose as Alaska's new Attorney General, one Wayne A. Ross who happens to be a director for the National Rifle Association, and has been knighted by the Vatican for his anti-abortion work. Ross's red HUMMER carries a personalized license tag reading "WAR". (Ostensibly for 'Wayne Anthony Ross'?)

Honestly, you can't make this kind of stuff up!

Palin's extreme radicalism can only be good for progressives everywhere!

Keep it up, Sarah!

You betcha!