Monday, April 23, 2007

Monsanto Demands Ban On Honesty

* St. Louis, MO: Perhaps taking a cue from the brave leader or our nation, Monsanto Company has written to FDA and FTC demanding that milk producers be blocked from telling the truth. Monsanto produces and sells an artificial hormone which increases milk production from diary cows when given to them. However, the US is the only industrial nation in the world where the hormone is approved for use. It has been banned in most other countries. An increasing number of US milk producers have refused to use the hormone for health reasons and notifying the public of that fact by using slogans like: 'Our Farmer's Pledge: No Artificial Growth Hormones'.

It is very unusual for a multinational biotech company to demand MORE government regulation, but that is exactly what Monsanto is now doing. The company contends is is 'deceptive and misleading' for anyone to claim they DO NOT use the hormone known as 'recombinant bovine somatotropin (rBST). "Those darned farmers and dairymen are out to get us by publishing actual facts." said Monsanto spokesman Andrew Burchett. "and, we are looking to our government regulators to provide us protection."

"We produce the hormone by combining cow DNA with E Coli bacteria, and before you must ask, yes, it's 'that' E Coli bacteria. But it is totally unnecessary and uncalled for to share that information with the public as it could well affect our profits. Our artificial hormone is approved by FDA. We made darned sure of that by hiring a couple of their top staffers and providing them with dream jobs and salaries in the stratosphere. We now deserve and expect some protection for our investments."

"It is an artificial and contrived argument for anyone to claim they do not use our artificial hormone just to improve the marketability of their more natural products." said Burchett. "and I must tell you our company resents that very much. If we have to, we are completely willing and prepared to go to court to block anyone's freedom of speech on this issue."

"After all, nothing at all must be allowed to stand in the way of our deserved profits and CEO compensation. Least of all some bogus and trumped up issue like human health which has nothing whatever to do with profits."

The FDA and FTC are expected to grant Monsanto's ban on free speech. This is in accordance with established policies of the Bush administration favoring business over health or other public interests.

* The above is an imaginary press item utilizing imaginary statements based on FACT. The primary difference is this item includes certain addition information Monsanto may wish the public did not hear.