Saturday, June 20, 2015

Never Trust a Fart - Ever!

I see it has been quite I while since I have posted to this blog. My excuse is many other things have taken my interest in the interim time. Now that I have a brand-new computer it has motivated me to add a bit to this blog. I pass along these words of wisdom to anyone who is getting on in years who is interested in a comfortable, ripe old age. At more advanced ages it is important to recognize the things you can and cannot do - or control. Here are a few pointers:  
Hearing and Seeing: There is an old cliche' about believing 'none of what you hear and only half of what you see'. In my experience this is based on pure unadulterated fact. I have noticed our world is full of those who will say anything to sway you one way or another or relieve you of money and property. Think politicians of all stripes, and various charlatans of mercenary natures. The bigger the corporation too, it seems the worse they are about this. The older I get, the more I realize most of humanity - outside your own circle of family and friends - are on the make one way or another, at everyone else's expense. The lesson to the wise and wary elder is to suspect anything you read or are told, and lots of what you may see with your own eyes - until thoroughly proven otherwise.
Dealing with the Younger Crowd: Try not to challenge a younger and stronger person directly, especially physically unless absolutely necessary; instead, use the things you have learned through your many years of hard-earned experience to call up all the guile and treachery you need and are capable of to control and defeat them.  While this might seem callous and cruel, you are actually helping your opponents become stronger and better persons. While they may not see things this way, for sure if you are successful, you will have taught them respect!
Dealing with People your Own Age: Deal with other older persons with all the tolerance and kindness you are capable of. After all, you likely will not know the kinds of lives they've had to live or the struggles they've had to deal with through their lives which make them what they are today. Give them all the slack you can, and above all, DO NOT JUDGE! Not even if he or she is the most miserable, sour, politically contrary S.O.B. or bitch you ever heard of. You simply will not know what kinds of things made them what they are today. And never forget, they will need to make allowances for you too!
Staying Interested: One thing which really helps the enjoyment of your elder years is to be and stay interested in something - or many things - which appeal to you. 'Exploration' is one of life's great joys, so don't allow yourself to 'vegetate' or refrain from doing things because it's hard, or takes effort. Hobbies, projects, activism, whatever - working at and having a passion for things will surprise you at how the aches and pains will seem to leave your body, and even after your efforts wear you out, there's always rum! Or its alternative!
Eating: Eat moderately and healthily, and the closer to natural the better. If Mother Nature had wanted you to subsist on crap foods, that stuff would grow on bushes and trees. Don't ingest things not naturally meant for you - if you were meant to drink cow's milk for example, you would go around on four legs mooing today. Do not eat the highly processed stuff designed solely to make others rich. Do eat the natural things that feel right and taste naturally good to you - Mother Nature is almost always right about that.
Drinking: You should have learned by now to be moderate in drinking alcohol, otherwise you would likely now be planted in a place where weeds won't grow. It just is not worth it to overdo it. You will be hungover and feel like crap for much longer in your older years than you did when you were twenty. Just don't overdo it! This is not to say you should not enjoy a few drinks when you want to, and even get a little tipsy once in a while - just be warned you will pay for any overindulgence!
Sex: Flaunt it if you have it. I's not going to get any better!
Smoking: If you are reading these lines and ever smoked in your life, you very most likely quit such an incredibly stupid thing years ago. (As I did!) Otherwise your dead ashes would already be mixed in with all those cigarette, cigar or pipe ashes and other dirt.
Doing Drugs: Unless they is prescribed for you, don't do them, especially the hard ones. And, use even prescribed drugs with wisdom and moderation. While I do subscribe to the notion of 'better living through chemistry', don't overdo those either. It is all well and good to moderate pain and anxiety, but just remember, Mother Nature sends pain (and anxiety) along for a reason. And, that is to let you know when you need to correct whatever you are doing wrong to and for yourself.
Churching: If you have ever been a churchgoer, don't waste any more of your time which is probably fast running out anyway. Going to church and acting pious may be a comfort for some, and that's a positive of course. But, my experience is all churches in one way or another are merely archaic organized scams for control and for stripping you of as much of your money as possible. (See 'Hearing and Seeing' above.) And think of all the joy and fun you will have missed in trying to live by churching rules and making other churchgoers believe you are holy! Go out and have some fun while you can and to Hell with all those pious-acting hand-wringing do-gooders who are judging you. Go ahead and have the satisfaction of giving them heartburn.
Leaving an Inheritance: Outside of sentimental remembrances, most inheritances end up being burdens to the beneficiaries, serving mostly to weaken them.  It is a rare bird who has had a happy or satisfying life with an inheritance, and almost surely they will not be anywhere near the same strong person who made all that money in the first place. Sure, free money may be great to get, but it almost always is detrimental to the recipients in the long run. Help make them stronger by helping them fend for themselves. If you want your descendants and friends to enjoy your money, live it all up with them while you are still kicking.
Compromising: You have to learn to live with the notion you may not be able do many things you used to do. You can't dance all night anymore, or run as fast a a twenty-year-old, or do the same manual work you once could do without breaking a sweat. That is one fact of your life you must recognize and accept as reality, and it comes to all of us eventually. Don't fight it, just do what you can and don't worry about what isn't possible anymore. That is what I call compromising with realities . . . and never regret the things which are simply not possible anymore.
Having Fun: Having fun and laughing plays a big part in what makes life splendid, so enjoy all you can. Spend money, have a hoot and to hell with anyone who decides you aren't 'acting your age' or are being foolish. Do the things that YOU enjoy and which feel right to you regardless of what any of the sourpusses say -  most try to tear you down only because they are simply jealous inside anyway. Just smile at them and don't be too sarcastic when you make snarky remarks back to them - and I know you will!
Tolerating Crap from Anyone: JUST DON'T! You don't have to - and don't let anyone fluster you either. Make it your business to get right in the face of anyone giving you crap, and that includes the IRS and similar outfits. What have you got to lose anyway? What are they going to do, put your raggedy old ass in jail? Frig 'em, let 'em fart themselves to death!

And Finally, the most Important Rule: NEVER trust a fart - ever! You never know when that sucker just might come out in lumps, or even worse yet, as a soupy brown chowder. As a corollary, never miss a chance to take a nice comfortable crap when you can, and never fail to answer your inner signal to take a leak when it's convenient too! These simple things seem to become more important as you get older, and paying a little attention to them will make your life so much better.