Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Praising God, God’s Will, and Testing Faith

New York City, New York, Times Square, 6:01 PM, May 21, 2011
Robert Fitzpatrick, of Staten Island, New York spent his entire life’s savings of $140 thousand to buy advertising to notify the public to get ready for the forthcoming end of the world. When it did not come off as predicted at 6 PM on May 21, 2011 he was exceedingly disappointed.
"I can't tell you what I feel right now," he said.”Obviously, I haven't understood it correctly because we're still here. I’ve got to go back and do some serious praying. I believe God is testing my faith.”
Radio preacher Harold Camping, who promoted the prediction said after it failed,  “it’s been a really tough weekend, but I’m looking for answers. Frankly, I’m just flabbergasted. I’m gonna have to get back to you later once I figure out what God wants.”
Camping’s spokesman Michael Garcia said he was praying when the time came and went, but he insisted it still might happen. "It's still May 21 and God's going to bring it.”  
Later on, he admitted, “When you say something and it doesn't happen, your pride is what's hurt. But who needs pride? God said he resists the proud and gives grace to the humble."
“But obviously, what did not happen is God’s will, just as it would have been God’s will had it happened. We cannot judge God. This non-happening is just a test of our faith and we must continue to praise God to stay in his graces.”
God’s will and the testing of faith was also evident in Joplin, Missouri recently where tornados roared through and killed at least 122 people. Some people said they survived only through praying for God’s protection. When questioned about those who were praying and were killed anyway, many explained, “That was just God’s will, praise God.”
“No one knows the mind of God. No one knows why he sometimes let’s little innocent children be terrorized and killed. God has his reasons and we can not ever question those. The only thing we can do is to know that God is doing what he feels best for us, and no matter what happens we must always praise God.”
I asked some Christians about this. Most smiled indulgently at me, the secular humanist, obviously pitying me for not knowing God, and destined for eternal damnation because I haven’t ‘accepted’ God.
“You must accept God’s will.” someone said.
“But, I can’t hear God.” I said. “I’ve tried praying and talking to God, but it is like talking to a rock or a wall. I don’t hear anything back.”
“That’s because it’s God’s will and He’s not ready to talk to you yet. He’s just showing you who is boss. Praise God.”
“Ya but, how can I know God’s hearing me? And, how is it that he's showing me who's boss if I don't hear anything or get any sign?” I asked.
“Oh, He’s hearing you all right. You just have to have faith in that. It doesn't mean anything if you can't see any signs either because God requires you to trust in Him and have faith. He only gives signs to the very holy, like Abraham and Moses. God doesn't care if you want to hear Him or see some kind of sign. You just have to know he's there and he cares about you. God is the all powerful and knows everything that goes on. He hears and sees everything, even the sparrows that fall from the air as they say. Praise God.” 
‘Kinda like Santa Claus’ I thought to myself, but said, “Ya but, how do we know that? How do you know that if God doesn’t say anything?”
“You have to have faith. I have faith so I know these things and trust God. You don’t actually need to hear anything back.” He gave me a sympathetic look. “You just have to put your trust and faith in God. God always knows what’s best for you.”
“So,” I asked. “You’d trust in God if he was dropping you off a cliff or something? You wouldn’t do anything to save yourself?”
“You bet. Oh, I’d try to grab something all right, but if I couldn’t, I’d just relax and place my fate in God’s hands. If it was my time to die I know it would just be God’s will. I’d be smiling ‘cause I’d know I was going home to Jesus, praise God.”
“But what if you were burning up inside a burning building and suffering horrible pain? Could you relax and put your faith in God then?” I asked.
“Sure. Oh, I might scream and holler in pain just like anybody else, but deep down I’d know God does what’s best for me. I might be screaming, but I’d be praising God too.”
‘Yeah, right.’ I thought to myself. Ruefully, I remembered exactly how I was ‘praising God’ the last time I hit my thumb with a hammer.

Sunday, May 22, 2011


There was an apocalypse yesterday,right on schedule and just as predicted. Only the event was not the scheduled event. Preacher Harold Camping assured his followers through his ‘Family Radio’ stations that ‘The Rapture’ would occur at 6 PM, Saturday May 21, 2011. Millions of dollars were spent on billboards and other signage notifying the public of the forthcoming event. Signs proclaimed, “Have you heard the awesome news? The End of the World is Almost Here! It begins on May 21, 2011. The Bible Guarantees It.”

Powerful earthquakes were to shatter graveyards all over the world, and all good Christian souls would be ‘gathered up’ in the clouds to heaven, the ancient dead true believers along with the currently alive. Non-believers would be thrown into chaos with universal gnashing of teeth and unrelenting sorrow and woe for the unsaved. Eventually, the world and the entire universe in fact, would be ‘annihilated’ and only the true Christian souls would remain, safely in the arms of Jesus sitting at the foot of God himself. Altogether around two hundred million souls on Earth would be raptured into the arms of Jesus.

Harold Camping GUARANTEED it would happen.

Camping’s followers prepared themselves for The Rapture. Some sold everything to donate money for the expenses of notifying the world. Others spent savings for their children’s education splurging on wanton enjoyment of their last few days on Earth. No one knows how many believers threw over everything in the last days and weeks in anticipation of The Rapture.

Trouble is, that particular apocalypse didn’t exactly happen. No driverless cars were left careening down the interstates. No one noticed heaps of clothing and empty shoes in malls or offices anywhere, whose wearers were suddenly yanked out of their clothing and gathered up to their heavenly rewards. No reports of heavenly visitors have come in from anywhere on Earth, not even one measly UFO. Nothing, zippo, nada.

Except perhaps for Camping himself. Reportedly, at 6 PM yesterday at his California house, shades were drawn and no one answered the door - so could be Camping himself was raptured, and all that remains of him on earth are some slightly soiled jockey shorts on the floor of his bedroom. The simple fact is no one knows yet. But for others, nothing happened.

Gosh, can you even imagine the disappointment among the true believers?

The media made much of Harold Camping’s age - 89 - as if that explains his compulsion to spread his ‘Awesome News’. But, most people believe age isn’t a necessary factor in idiocy. All you have to do is look to Camping’s acolytes for proof of that. Obviously, if anyone threw away everything in preparation for The Rapture as guaranteed by Camping, then, ipso facto, they are morons. And, there is absolutely no point in in trying to rationalize with indoctrinated religious morons. It is a waste of time. Rationality simply doesn’t compute with ‘believers’. No way, no how, no time.

Besides, I am convinced if any God does actually exist, He, She or It won’t give one good goddamn about moronic and doctrinal religious idiots of any flavor, especially any which prays evil and damnation for anyone who doesn’t believe as they do.

There were some things I was looking forward to if the event had occurred. First of course there would be all that stuff left behind by the raptured. And, the world would be rid of all those irritating Christian true believers for a few months at least until the world blew up. But, beyond that Camping taught that all churches have become ‘apostate’ (turned away from God) and would be abandoned. He also prophesied the ‘end of the church age’ and churches would no longer be needed or used. I liked those ideas a lot. You know, I could live with that. Very happily. And just think of all that property we could get back on the tax rolls!

That simply boggles the mind!

But an apocalypse did occur, as I’ve said. At least for Harold Camping’s acolytes it did. They now know what it feels like to realize they are complete, pitiable idiots. And they now know just how worthless Harold Camping's guarantee actually is.

But, guess what? It really won’t matter at all to them in the end. You can cure ignorance with enough education, but stupidity is complete and forever.

Meanwhile the rest of the world is having fun at the rapturers’ expense. Overseas people are laughing at the bizarre Americans who expected to be raptured:
Salon published  tongue-in-cheek reasons the Rapture failed, my favorite being “A detail explanation is available for $49.95 [shipping and handling charges included]”  

Friday, May 13, 2011


Tea Party people have many monikers. They call themselves 'Tea Partiers' or 'Tea Party Activists'. Their detractors - and there are legions of them standing in line, call them less flattering things such as 'Teaheads', 'Tea Partiers', Tea Baggers, Tea Bags, Teocons, Teatards, Teabirchers, etc.

They are even fighting among themselves and suing each other over the name! Which itself is a good thing I think:

But, 'TEABILLIES' is a new one I've seen and like, and is the one I've decided to use.

The name seems to fits extremely well and if you have any doubts about who the Teabillies really are, these videos should settle the matter.


Happilly, the very last one should bring it back down again!

This one illustrates the dichotomy of one bravely rational man and the the hypocrisy, rage and frenzy of a mob of Teabillies:

Friday, May 06, 2011

President Obama, as perceived by Far Right Wingers

The following are the perceptions widely perceived and re-translated by Far Right Wingers about what President Obama says and does:

What Obama actually does: Extends medical care to millions of uninsured Americans;
What the Far Right Wingers say: “Obama’s anti-American socialist agenda to cost insurance companies billions.’

What Obama actually does: Resuscitates the national economy;
What the Far Right Wingers say: ‘Obama’s economic policy not equal to Bush’s.’

What Obama actually does: Urges vigorous enforcement efforts to lower national crime levels;
What the Far Right Wingers say: ‘Nation’s prisons and jails woefully insufficient and understaffed under Obama’s plan.’

What Obama actually does: Pats child on head during public occasion.
What the Far Right Wingers say: ‘Authorities suspect Obama of pedophilia’.

What Obama actually does: Pins medal on military hero;
What the Far Right Wingers say: ‘Obama ignores millions of soldiers to reward favorite.’ 

What Obama actually does: Urges development of fuel efficient vehicles;
What the Far Right Wingers say: ‘Obama plots to destroy nation’s energy companies.’

What Obama actually does: Praises Catholic relief agency;
What the Far Right Wingers say: ‘Obama shows his scorn for protestant relief efforts.’

What Obama actually does: Urges remedial climate change legislation;
What the Far Right Wingers say: ‘Obama imperils planet with radical plan.’

What Obama actually does: Comes out of shower in morning;
What the Far Right Wingers say: ‘President said to walk around nude in the White House.’

What Obama actually does: Shakes hands with Russian Prime Minister;
What the Far Right Wingers say: ‘Obama obsequious and embarrassingly friendly with Communist leader.’

What Obama actually does: Golfs on Sunday;
What the Far Right Wingers say: ‘Obama ignores important national business in romp with friends.’

What Obama actually does: Visits VA hospital;
What the Far Right Wingers say: ‘Obama shows guilt for his policies now crippling American soldiers.’

What Obama actually does:  Suggests comprehensive legislation to settle immigration problems;
What the Far Right Wingers say: ‘Obama’s policies will put millions of farmers and small businesses in dire economic straits and imperil nation’s food sources.’

What Obama actually does: Furnishes long-form birth certificate;
What the Far Right Wingers say: ‘Obama sneaks in forged birth documents.’

What Obama actually does: Refuses to release gruesome picture of dead terrorist;
What the Far Right Wingers say: and, ‘Bin Laden death claim suspected Obama hoax.’

What Obama actually does: Kisses wife in public;
What the Far Right Wingers say: ‘Psychiatrists wonder if Obama is sexual deviant.’

What Obama actually does: States he is a Christian;
What the Far Right Wingers say: ‘Obama pretends christianity to hide his implacable Muslim faith.’

What Obama actually does: Meets with Republican leaders;
What the Far Right Wingers say: ‘Obama’s smarmy arm-twisting fails to sway honest Republicans.’

What Obama actually does: Attends Broadway play with his wife;
What the Far Right Wingers say: ‘Obama neglects his own children in wild night on the town.’

What Obama actually does: Has a drink at a cocktail party;
What the Far Right Wingers say: ‘Doctors suspect Obama of hiding alcoholism.’

What Obama actually does: Criticizes outrageous Tea Party claims;
What the Far Right Wingers say: ‘Obama attacks free speech rights of American patriots.’

What Obama actually does: Makes offhand joke about Sarah Palin;
What the Far Right Wingers say: ’Sarah Palin steadfast and unruffled by Obama lies.’

What Obama actually does: Says he believes in free markets;
What the Far Right Wingers say: ‘Obama unsuccessfully hides his anti-capitalist socialist program.’

What Obama actually does: Watches people walk down the street;
What the Far Right Wingers say: ‘Is President Obama a secret voyeur?’

What Obama actually does: Supports civil rights for gays;
What the Far Right Wingers say: ‘Obama now out of the closet!’

What Obama actually does: Believes in hope and change;
What the Far Right Wingers say: ‘Obama hopes to change everything we value in this country.’

What Obama actually does: Says money is not the most important thing in life;
What the Far Right Wingers say: ‘Obama’s shows his true anti-capitalist communist colors.’

What Obama actually does: Says he believes in a woman’s right to choose what happens to her own body;
What the Far Right Wingers say: ‘Obama ardent supporter of abortion mills and murder of the unborn.’

What Obama actually does: Finds a cure for cancer and the common cold;
What the Far Right Wingers say: ‘Obama seeks to put thousands of doctors and nurses out of work.’

What Obama actually does: Hunts down and kills Osama bin Laden;
What the Far Right Wingers say: ‘Obama violates borders of sovereign nation to murder man.’ 
‘Obama's success is really based on George W. Bush’s actions.’
 ‘Obama had him in secret prison all along to await right moment to kill him.’
It was a staged death to insure Obama’s reelection;
It was a staged death to divert attention from a Miss USA being groped causing another backlash against the TSA; 
It was a staged death to divert attention from the collapse of the dollar and rising gas prices;
It was a staged death to divert attention from hyperinflation;
It was a staged death to divert attention from the release of the long form birth certificate and lack of a paper trail.

Most of the above are actual claims made by right wing nutters. Well OK, I threw in a few I made up like curing cancer and the common cold. But most are the claims and statements actually being made, or which might easily be made by the unhinged nut jobs on the far right now flying the Republican Party around in tight, bizarre circles.