Thursday, June 09, 2011

How it REALLY went down!

Operator at the White House Switch board: “Hello? How may I help you please?”

Caller: “I weesh to speak weeth the President Obama, how you say?”

Operator: “I’m sorry sir, but the President is not available for public calls. If you will tell me the nature of your business, I can put you through to one of his aides."

Caller: “The President has the AIDS?”

Operator: “No, the President doesn’t have AIDS, sir. The President has AIDES! I am referring to his assistants. The men and women who handle the public’s business with him.”

Caller: “But, it is to the President himself I weesh to speak. No one else.”

Operator: “I’m sorry sir, but I have to know the nature of your business before I can allow you to speak with an assistant so I know which of them to call. And, I simply am not authorized to put you through to the President directly."

Caller: “Oh, but I theenk you weel most excellent lady. I theenk the President Obama weel take my call.

Operator: “Sir! Please! I must know why you want to speak with the President. Otherwise, I will have no choice but to hang up the line.”

Caller: “Oh, please do not hang up the telephone most excellent lady. You not know the trouble I go through to make thees call. I weel try to explain my beesiness, how you say?”

Operator: “All right Sir, now what is it you want?”

Caller: “I weesh to speak weeth the President of course.”

Operator: “Sir! I’m warning you! I will hang up this telephone in the next five seconds unless you tell me what you want!”

Caller: “Please excellent lady! Thees most important to me! Please do not hang up!”

Operator: “One, two, three . . . . . . . “

Caller: “OK! OK! Not hang up! Please! I tell you leetle bit, OK? Please do not the telephone hang up!”

Operator: “All right then. Why don’t we just start over? Now sir, just what is it you want?”

Caller: “I weesh to appeal to the President Obama for the help! For the bombing!”

Operator (sensing she has a nut job on the line, and preparing to hand him off to the proper person): “For what bombing? What sort of help do you require sir?”

Caller: “I must have the bombs dropped. On the house.”

Operator (now totally convinced): “What house and what bombs sir?”

Caller: “My house of course! Where I leeve! I need for President to order the bombs to fall on my house as soon as possible.

Operator: “And why would you want the President to do that Sir?”

Caller: “Because, how you say, I can’t take it no more.”

Operator: “Can’t take what sir?”

Caller: “The the leeving. I just can’t take the leeving like this no more. I am, how you say, going to the insane!”

Operator: “What’s the matter with how you leeve, sir. Excuse me! What’s the matter with how LIVE sir? What’s making you insane?”

Caller: “The five whole years.”

Operator: “The five years? What do you mean five whole years?”

Caller: “I am leeving this way for five whole years. I am not leaving my house for five whole years not once, and now I can’t take it no more. I am weeshing for the President Obama to drop the bombs on the house now, at once if possible.”

Operator: “Well, I’m sure there are better ways of dealing with your problem than bombing your house sir! Why don’t you tell me exactly what’s really bothering you.”

Caller: “Because you the woman most excellent lady, I theenk you probably not understand.”

Operator: “Well, why don’t you try me and see.”

Caller: “Well, OK. Eet ees the wives.”

Operator: “The wives? You have more than one wife? Are you Mormon?”

Caller: “What Mormon? Not know the Mormon. But, most assuredly, excellent lady, I have more than the one wife. The one maybe I can deal with for five years, but not more.”

Operator: “Well goodness sir! How many wives do you have?”

Caller: “I have the three wives live with me, two live away. All good wives, and I love the each of them, except maybe away wives not so much. But, the all three of them leeve with me I can not no longer leeve with! They are making me the insane. It is impossible for me to leeve like this!”

Operator: “Well surely sir, there must be something you can do besides bombing your house? ”

Caller: “No. And that is why I theenk you do not understand most excellent lady. I can not leave the house, not once, not ever, in five whole years. And the three wives are just making me the insane. They all day, just talk, talk, talk, yak, yak yak. Sometimes it like I not even there. just yak, yak, yak, all the day and all the night sometimes! Just yak, yak, yak, talk, talk talk!”

“I’m telling you if it was not sin, I would shoot myself. That’s why I weesh for the President Obama to drop the bombs on my house. Then HE keel me, and not myself!”

Operator (preparing to alert the appropriate authorities): “I think I see sir. I’ll try to get someone to help you. Now, if you’ll just tell me where you’re calling from . . . .?”

Caller: “Yes, most excellent lady. I am calling you from the Abbottabad, Pakistan. Here, I give you exact street address so the President know where to drop the bombs (provides street and number)“

Operator: “Pakistan! Sir, the President can not handle problems for the citizens of other countries! How did you get this number anyway?”

Caller: “Never mind how I get the number, not important. And, yes, I know the President Obama not handle people's problems in other countries. But, I think the President Obama will handle thees problem for me when he know my name.”

Operator: “Well then sir, what is your name?”

Caller: “Osama bin Laden.”

Operator: “Just a moment sir, I’ll put you through to the President.”

Caller: “Please to hurry most excellent lady! They outside in the hallway right now! Yak, yak yak! Just yak, yak, yak all the time! I pull my beard out! I go to the insane!”

Operator: Yes sir. I’m putting you through to the President on his direct emergency line as we speak!”

And that’s the way it REALLY went down. Forget all that talk about five years of fancy intelligence gathering, and all the scheming and plotting. The simple fact is Osama bin Laden himself told the President everything he needed to know to make a successful assault on bin Laden’s secret compound.

And the rest, as they say, is now history.