How it REALLY went down!

Operator at the White House Switch board: “Hello? How may I help you please?”

Caller: “I weesh to speak weeth the President Obama, how you say?”

Operator: “I’m sorry sir, but the President is not available for public calls. If you will tell me the nature of your business, I can put you through to one of his aides."

Caller: “The President has the AIDS?”

Operator: “No, the President doesn’t have AIDS, sir. The President has AIDES! I am referring to his assistants. The men and women who handle the public’s business with him.”

Caller: “But, it is to the President himself I weesh to speak. No one else, please.”

Operator: “I’m sorry sir, but I have to know the nature of your business before I can allow you to speak with an assistant so I know which of them to call. And, I simply am not authorized to put you through to the President directly."

Caller: “Oh, but I theenk you weel most excellent lady. I theenk the President Obama weel take my call.

Operator: “Sir! Please! I must know why you want to speak with the President. Otherwise, I will have no choice but to hang up the line.”

Caller: “Oh, please do not hang up the telephone most excellent lady. You not know the trouble I go through to make theese call. I weel try to explain my beesiness, how you say?”

Operator: “All right Sir, now what is it you want?”

Caller: “I weesh to speak weeth the President of course.”

Operator: “Sir! I’m warning you! I will hang up this telephone in the next five seconds unless you tell me what you want!”

Caller: “Please excellent lady! Theese most important to me! Please do not hang up!”

Operator: “One, two, three . . . . . . . “

Caller: “OK! OK! Not hang up! Please! I tell you leetle bit more, OK? Please do not the telephone hang up!”

Operator: “All right then. Why don’t we just start over? Now sir, just what is it you want?”

Caller: “I weesh to appeal to the President Obama for the help! For the bombing!”

Operator (sensing she has a nut job on the line, and preparing to hand him off to the proper person): “For what bombing? What sort of help do you require sir?”

Caller: “I must have the bombs dropped. On the house.”

Operator (now totally convinced): “What house and what bombs sir?”

Caller: “My house of course! Where I leeve! I need for President to order the bombs to fall on my house as soon as possible.

Operator: “And why would you want the President to do that Sir?”

Caller: “Because, how you say, I can’t take it no more.”

Operator: “Can’t take what sir?”

Caller: “The the leeving. I just can’t take the leeving like theese no more. I am, how you say, going to the insane!”

Operator: “What’s the matter with how you leeve, sir. Excuse me! What’s the matter with how you LIVE sir? What’s making you insane?”

Caller: “The five whole years.”

Operator: “The five years? What do you mean five whole years?”

Caller: “I am leeving this way for five whole years. I am not leaving my house for five whole years not once, and now I can’t take it no more. I am weeshing for the President Obama to drop the bombs on theese house now, at once if possible!”

Operator: “Well, I’m sure there are better ways of dealing with your problem than bombing your house sir! Why don’t you tell me exactly what’s really bothering you.”

Caller: “Because you the woman most excellent lady, I theenk you probably not understand.”

Operator: “Well, why don’t you try me and see.”

Caller: “Well, OK. Eet ees the wives.”

Operator: “The wives? You have more than one wife? Are you Mormon?”

Caller: “What Mormon? Not know the Mormon. But, most assuredly, excellent lady, I have more than the one wife. The one maybe I can deal with for five years, but not more.”

Operator: “Well goodness sir! How many wives do you have?”

Caller: “I have the three wives leeve with me, two leeve away. All good wives, and I love the each of them, except maybe away wives not so much. But, the all three of them leeve with me I can not no longer leeve with! They are making me the insane. It is impossible for me to leeve like this!”

Operator: “Well surely sir, there must be something you can do besides bombing your house? ”

Caller: “No. And that is why I theenk you do not understand most excellent lady. I can not leave the house, not once, not ever, in five whole years. And the three wives are just making me the insane. They all day, just talk, talk, talk, yak, yak yak. Sometimes it like I not even there. Just yak, yak, yak, all the day and all the night sometimes! Just yak, yak, yak, talk, talk talk!”

“I’m telling you if it was not the sin, I would shoot myself. That’s why I weesh for the President Obama to drop the bombs on my house. Then HE keel me, and I not myself!”

Operator (preparing to alert the appropriate authorities): “I think I see sir. I’ll try to get someone to help you. Now, if you’ll just tell me where you’re calling from . . . .?”

Caller: “Yes, most excellent lady. I am calling you from the Abbottabad, Pakistan. Here, I give you exact street address so the President know where to drop the bombs (provides street and number)“

Operator: “Pakistan! Sir, the President can not handle problems for the citizens of other countries! How did you get this number anyway?”

Caller: “Never mind how I get theese number, not important. And, yes, I know the President Obama not handle people's problems in other countries. But, I think the President Obama will handle theese problem for me when he hear my name.”

Operator: “Well then sir, what is your name?”

Caller: “Osama bin Laden.”

Operator: “Just a moment sir, I’ll put you through to the President right away.”

Caller: “Please to hurry most excellent lady! They outside in the hallway right now! Yak, yak yak! Just yak, yak, yak all the time! I pull the beard out! I go to the insane!”

Operator: Yes sir. I’m putting you through to the President on his direct emergency line as we speak!”

And that’s the way it REALLY went down. Forget all that talk about five years of fancy intelligence gathering, and all the scheming and plotting. The simple fact is Osama bin Laden himself told the President everything he needed to know to make a successful assault on bin Laden’s secret compound.

And the rest, as they say, is now history.

“Frack You, USA!” - A Corporate War On Americans

Let’s say you’d like to pump poison into the groundwater of your community - never mind why.   Or do the same with combustible fluids. Or carcinogenic agents.  And, let’s say understandably, you don't want to tell anyone what those poisons, combustibles or carcinogenic agents were. And let’s say your actions might even be suspected of causing seismic events on occasion.

Can you do that without worrying about being arrested, or being responsible for the consequences? Of course not! You’d immediately be arrested, thrown in jail, declared a terrorist and likely suffer rendition to some country where torture is allowed - and everyone in the country would cheer!

That is, unless you represent an energy company like Halliburton. And, pumping such a witches’ brew into the nation’s groundwater stood to make you lot's of money. And say, not incidentally, your former CEO was the Vice President of the United States of America. Such were the ingredients needed to have a special law passed for you, and companies like yours to pump whatever you wished into the nation’s groundwater - and not even tell anyone what is was! For, after all it is your special recipe, and a proprietary one at that, and disclosing the ingredients publicly would make it easy for someone to steal your secret recipe. Heaven forbid!

So, you and your friends go to work to get a special law passed exempting you from liability. The law is known as the “Energy Policy Act of 2005”. I don’t know for sure whether the acronym “EPA” is an corporate sneer at the Environmental Protection Agency or not, but I suspect it was. The law was vigorously championed by VP Cheney and his cohorts in the energy business like Tom Delay, and other corporate socialism types. Note also however, that 36 Democrats joined 48 Republican senators to pass the bill. Then senators Obama, Biden, Clinton, Reid, and Boxer were all among those who voted FOR the bill.  Senator John McCain did not, Sarah Palin notwithstanding.

The new law exempted the petroleum industry practice of “Fracking” (Hydraulic Fracturing) from the Clean Water Act. Fracking is the pumping under high pressure of fluids, including many extremely toxic and hazardous substances into the ground, to ‘fracture’ rock layers and force recoverable natural gas to extraction wellheads. Strongly supported by the American Petroleum Institute, the exemption was passed into law and signed by President Bush, becoming colloquially known in the industry as the “Halliburton Loophole”.

So, is there really a problem?  It is estimated that minimum of 100,000 gallons of fracking liquids is used for each well, 80% of the time. According to Abrahm Lustgarten, of ProPublica,  “in 2007, there were 449,000 gas wells in 32 states, thirty percent more than in 2000. By 2012 the nation could be drilling 32,000 new wells a year . .” Hmm, let’s see . . . . 450,000 times 100,000 gallons equals about 45,000,000,000 gallons. Gee, after awhile we’d be talking about a real quantity in the groundwater, wouldn’t we? By my math that is equivalent to about 216 SQUARE MILES covered by a toxic cocktail one foot deep.  To date this stuff is scattered in the ground waters of 32 states, and the industry has big plans for the future. In fact, in one case, EXXON-MOBIL has written into their purchase contract for a smaller company the provision the deal is null and void if the Energy Policy Act is repealed!

Fracking liquids can include hydrochloric acid, surfactants, solvents, lubricants, and corrosion inhibitors. No one really knows because the companies doing the pumping don't have to tell.  It is said to contain many of the same carcinogenic chemicals found in household Drano and such things you probably wouldn't want to drink, or even get on your skin. But, under the ‘Energy Policy Act” the companies who use this stuff don’t have to tell anyone the ingredients.  It is their propriety ’secret recipe’ (their words), and to disclose the actual mix would put them at  ‘competitive disadvantages’! (No, I’m not making this up.  I don’t have enough arrogance for that.  I have to leave that to the industries themselves.)

Besides the act shielding energy companies from responsibility, or even disclosing the ingredients of their toxic cocktails, the EPA too,  under Bush has been complicit. That’s right, the Environmental Protection Agency, the group which is tasked to PROTECT people and the environment itself engaged in onerous duplicity: “Under Christine Todd Whitman's tenure as Administrator, the EPA engaged in SECRET negotiations with industry, while supposedly addressing drinking water issues related to the drilling technique known as hydraulic fracturing, or "fracking." In 2004, the EPA undertook a study on the issue and "the EPA, despite its scientific judgment that there was a potential risk to groundwater supplies, which their report clearly says, then went ahead and very surprisingly concluded that there was no risk to groundwater,"

So much for ethics in the Bush administration. But, we already knew the score on that.  But, the Obama Administration too?  You betcha!

Is fracking actually dangerous? You can judge for yourself. There have been hundreds,  probably thousands of of anecdotal and documented cases of severe contamination. In Texas 16 cows died from drinking contaminated groundwater, 10 in Louisiana - but what the heck, Texas and Louisiana have cows to burn. But, there are also lot’s of horror stories concerning humans too. There are documented cases of household water supplies catching fire. Some residents have been instructed to leave their windows open to prevent a build up of explosive gases coming from their faucets. And, there are cases of houses actually exploding. Now, that might get your attention!

There is a move by some senators to repeal the exemption energy companies how enjoy courtesy of the Bush Administration. But, as you might expect, that is being vigorously fought by the industry and the American petroleum Institute, who have so far poured nearly two million dollars into lobbying.

And, as recently as January 15, 2010, US Energy Secretary Steven Chu said “he would not favor a ban on " fracking . .“ After all, what is public health when it comes at the expense of corporate greed and profit?

Further Reading:

Energy Policy Act
American petroleum Institute
Hydraulic Fracturing
Newsweek
National Public Radio
Anecdotal  
Fracturing Responsibility and Awareness of Chemicals Act

*Clues For The Clueless

"I don't have a clue'" is a familiar refrain. When someone says that, it usually is in a jocular, self-depreciating way. I means simply, "I don't know."

But you also often hear the phrase used by one person or group in reference to another. For example, someone can say, "He (or she) just doesn't have a clue," or he (or she) is clueless." When used in this context, the message usually is, 'He (or she) is a stupid bastard (or bitch)." This is widely regarded as NOT a compliment.

But, whichever way the phrases are used, there is always a subtext of truth to them. When you say it about yourself, you are acknowledging your ignorance about whatever is being discussed. When said about another, it means the person (or group) being referred to also deficient in knowledge on a specific subject or the issues under discussion. Since the phrase is depreciatory, it is all too often used in an insulting way against someone else.

But all that may soon change.

A little-known subsection of the 'Stimulus Package' (H.R. 1, ‘‘American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009’’) seeks to remedy the paucity of clues for anyone who needs them. Language inserted at the last minute which provided funds or the establishment of a 'Office of Clue Research and Promulgation'. The money will be used to hire experts to be on call to research any matter requested and provide clues on demand, particularly for clueless politicians. Many formerly clued in politicians quickly become clueless in the rarified air of their Congressional life. The same is often true in areas of individual state governments.

Now, any clueless individuals or groups may have them by simply asking for them.

Republican Senator Mitch McConnell, of Kentucky successfully inserted the provision at the 11th hour. "I've been pretty much totally clueless my entire life." Senator McConnell declared. "So, I really know what I'm talking about. There's been way too many times I've shot off my mouth about something only to realize later I was blowing smoke out my ass. Of course, a lot of other people knew better all the time, so it has been pretty humiliating along the way."

"And Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah is really excited about this too." McConnell went on. "I don't know how that puppy finds his office every day. If he didn't have a couple low level staffers to keep him sorted out, he'd never be able to leave his house."

President Obama indicated he was solidly behind the new clueless office. "It's a real tragedy we didn't have this over the last eight years." he said. "I can think of a lot of people who might have benefited from it. I don't want to get into naming names, but my immediate predecessor was surely one of them. My new dog Bo has more clues than he did."

But, former presidential advisor Karl Rove strongly criticized the provision. "Besides being against the entire bailout package in principle, I am very upset by this so-called Office of Clue Research." he declared just before his appearance on his Fox News show. "The more clues you give anyone, the smarter they are. It's just like education. Clueless folks usually vote Republican, unless they have too much education and vote Democratic, which proves there can be too much of a good thing.”

But many other politicians from both parties eagerly embraced the idea. Former presidential candidates Fred Thompson and Mike Huckabee are expressing renewed interest in the 2012 elections now that the Clue office will be available to them. Katherine Harris declared she would run for governor in Florida, and even TV evangelist Pat Robertson said he would be able expand his broadcasts into new markets.

"It's really a gift from God," Robertson said. "and, I'll take full credit since I had a talk with God about it the other day and asked him to cause Mitch to put it in the bill."

Sarah Palin of Alaska said, "Hooray! Now, I'll be ready to put some brand-new lipstick on this pig!"

On the Democratic side, former SC Senator Fritz Hollings said he thought the new clue office would definitely benefit Al Gore, or anyone who didn't know what the definition of 'is' is. Congressman Charles Rangel of New York declared he didn't vote for it, but 'just didn't give a damn one way or the other, but what the hell. Another 100 million or so cain't hurt all that much'.

* (The above is a parody written entirely for my own pleasure and gratification. I hope others may also enjoy it.)

Planning The Tea Party

"Hey! Let's have us a tea party!' Mad Hatter cried during his daily meeting before his broadcast on Fox News.

"O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! " Jabberwock chortled in his joy. "then, we can gyre and gimble in the wabe!"

"Yes! Yes! Let's! That's a marvelous idea!" enthused Cheshire Cat. "Whatever shall we call it then?"

"Why not have it on tax day, April 15th?" replied Mad Hatter. "Then we can call it the 'Tax Day Tea Party'. We should even go out on a limb and invite Alice too of course."

"Nay,nay," said Caterpillar. "she is but a moderate person and not what we could consider as a conservative. She doesn't fit with our agenda at all - in fact, I wouldn't be a bit surprised to find out she voted for Obama in the last election."

"I totally agree." said Cheshire Cat. "The last time I invited her here, last election, she left no doubt what she thought about us.

"`But I don't want to go among mad people,' she said.

`Oh, you can't help that,' I said: `we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'

`How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice. `You must be,' I said, `or you wouldn't have come here.' "

"I don't care about that now!" said Mad Hatter. "We must take the chance. Our party will have no credibility at all if we don't invite everyone - even the moderates. We must be grassroots!"

"Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun the frumious Bandersnatch!'' shouted Jabberwock.

"Quiet you blathering idiot!" sneered Mad Hatter. "Shut your damned pie hole! Else folks will think everyone in our group is as mad as me, or worse, you."

But then White Rabbit quietly intoned, "Yes, Quite. But, that's despite the fact we all are. We just can't let on is all. We must show that we in our party are all as normal as Alice or they'll never take us serious again. I think we've worn out that 'Fear Factor' thingy by now. No one is taking us serious anymore after that last election blowout. We gotta invite Alice and everyone else. We need a new gimmick!"

"Oh, come to my arms, my beamish boy! " exclaimed Jabberwock. "Exactlyish we mimsy are, burbling as we do! Terrierist! WMD's! Yellowcake! Al Qaeda! Praise the Lord!"

"Quiet, I've told you Jabberwock!' ordered Mad Hatter disgustedly. "Or, I'll have security escort you from the building!"

"Now, look here everyone. I'm the official leader and spokesman for this Party." the rotund cigar smoking beasty went on. " I'm the one who sets the rules and the policies while you're out all galumping around. Let's just get down to business, shall we? We can have everyone bring their own tea bags to this party. That will show the country and that socialist Obama how dead serious we are. I think tea bags are a very serious symbol, reminding everyone of the Boston Tea Party and how our patriots took back the country then, and took their own guns and installed our Christian God and Capitalism in our great country.

"Yeah," said Caterpillar. "Obama wants to destroy capitalism by raising taxes on the highest income Americans all the way up to about 10 percent less than under Reagan. If that's not socialism, I don't know what is! And, all that malarky about him going to Christian church all his life is just a smokescreen. Oh yes, he's devilish clever he is. He's planned his attack since the time he was six years old. He just wants to worm his way in so he can make Islam the official state religion for everyone!"

As Jabberwock could never remain silent for long, he now shouted out excitedly. "All mimsy were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe! Terrierist! Terrierist!"

But now studiously ignoring Jabberwock, Mad Hatter continued. "Yes, all completely true Caterpillar. And Cheshire Cat, I think you should be in charge of organizing things. You should work behind the scenes and make it look and seem the tea party is a grassroots thing. That way, everyone will get the idea that conservative Republicans are still mainstream, no matter how mad and bizarre our politics have grown."

"Quite, quite." said Cheshire Cat, pleased with the responsibility. After all, playing second fiddle to Mad Hatter wasn't the most rewarding thing in the world, even if he did have his own broadcast show. This was his chance to really get his teeth into something meaty and maybe make himself stand out from the crowd.

But Caterpillar was troubled. "Whatever shall we do with all those tea bags which are sure to be turned in? We can't afford to be seen as littering if they're thrown on the ground or whatever."

"Hey! I know!" Cheshire Cat broke in. "We can mail them all to Obama. Then he'll be stuck with tons of the damned things and have a huge problem with what to do with them. That will make him look bad for sure. I know that should work better than attacking his dog Bo in the press did."

At this point White Rabbit interjected, his bald head glistening in the harsh overhead lighting: "You're all dreaming." he said. Obama is way too smart for you for that to have a chance. He'll just pack 'em up and ship them off somewhere as part of a 'African Stimulus Bill', or find a cure for AIDS with them or something. He's a wily devil I tell you, and not at all like our dear White Queen now back down there in Crawford, Texas twiddling his thumbs."

"Oh, you just had to bring him up!" Mad Hatter cried, tears streaming down his cheeks. "Oh how I miss him sitting there in the White House, clueless as he was. He was a dumb son of a bitch all right, but by God, he was OUR dumb son of a bitch!"

"And, we must never, ever lose sight of our sacred Republican creed." Mad Hatter bawled: "Gold, Guns and God!"

'Amens' where shouted as loud chorus of sincere agreement ran around the meeting room and everyone wiped their eyes.

"Twas brillig, and the slithy toves!" shouted Jabberwock as he took his vorpal sword in hand and left whiffling through the tulgey wood.


(My sincere apoligies to Lewis Carroll for my shameless twisting of his wonderful prose in The Mad Hatter's Tea Party.)