You Might Be a Tea Party Conservative if . . .

You might be a Tea Party conservative if . . .

• You sincerely believe Jesus Christ was white, and likely spoke english;
• You say you are a ‘patriot’ but the only Constitutional amendments you know are the first two;
• You want Freedom of Speech - except for anyone who disagrees with you;
• Fox News is your favorite news channel;
• Fox News is your ONLY news channel;
• You think the government should stay out of states’ rights - unless it concerns marriage, abortion or homosexuality;
• You think abortion of any kind is ‘murder’ but indiscriminate bombing of children is merely ‘collateral damage’;
• You avoided all military duty and believe real patriotism is waving flags and ‘supporting our troops’;
• You believe Jesus Christ would support capital gains tax cuts for the wealthy;
• You think George W. Bush and Ronald Reagan were the best presidents in history, and Sarah Palin would be too;
• You think saying something is so over and over again makes it true;
• You use ‘Jesus’ and ‘guns’ in the same sentence;
• You think Pat Robertson praying for the death of Supreme court justices is a Christian act;
• You think Rush Limbaugh is a perceptive American patriot even though he used drugs, avoided the draft and flunked collage after two semesters;
• You can speak for God in deciding who He likes or doesn’t;
• You think posting the Ten Commandments will solve most school problems;
• You are sure God is on your side, and only your side;
• You are pro life and pro capital punishment all at the same time;
• You insist on the right to bear arms but avoided all military service;
• You think waving a flag and placing a yellow ribbon on your car makes you a patriot;
• You believe Christians should be allowed to indoctrinate school children at taxpayer expense;
• You think global warming is a liberal plot even as you deal with a series of most severe weather events in recorded history;
• You believe greed is a genuine Christian moral imperative;
• You are secretly convinced the Bill of Rights is a liberal idea, and should be repealed for security reasons;
• You think the NRA defends the US Constitution;
• You think it is justifiable for Christians to bomb abortion clinics and kill providers;
• You think Jesus was a right-wing conservative just like you;
• You were completely consumed by Bill Clinton’s sex life;
• You think ‘war is the answer’ to most foreign policy disputes;
• You don’t have a library card, never had one, don’t need one and don’t want one;
• You think prisons should have a higher budget priority than schools;
• You don’t know the actual definition of ‘liberal’ but think it must have something to do with communism;
• Both you and Ann Coulter are still pissed at the way Joe McCarthy was treated;
• You cheer the police when they beat protestors;
• The less you know about something, the stronger your feelings are about it;
• You cheer for soldiers who fight for our country while trying to reduce their benefits;
• You say the Bible proves creationism while evolution is an unproven idea;
• You can’t see the difference between George W. Bush saying he is on a mission from God and Osama Bin Laden saying the same thing;
• You secretly think would be a lot better if women had never gotten the vote; 
• You see no irony in using weapons of mass destruction against another country when you even suspect they might have them;
• You believe that less than a majority vote constitutes a ‘mandate from the people’;
• You think it is patriotic to send the sons and daughters of the poorer people off to fight wars to make rich people richer;
• You use words like ‘professor’, ‘intellectual’, ‘liberal’ and ‘peace lover’ as insults;
• Your attention span stalls after a 6 second sound bite;
• You think bombing a country flat is the best way to ‘bring democracy to their people’.
• You have a Hummer, Lincoln Navigator or Cadillac Escalade with an American flag and yellow ribbon on it;
• You think ‘pre-emptive’ wars can never be used against the U.S.
• You think pre-war Iraq under Hussein was a huge threat to US national security;
• You believe 8 years of peace and prosperity under Clinton was bad for the country and that 8 years of war and economic disaster under Bush was good for us;
• You can’t see any difference between Osama Bin Ladin and Saddam Hussein;
• You believe tax cuts for the rich, outsourcing jobs, corporate tax loopholes and laying people off are sound economic policies;
• You believe government’s concern for people should begin at conception and end at birth;
• You think ‘affirmative action’ is a socialist plot to destroy capitalism;
• You can claim with a straight face that politicians who avoided serving in the military at all costs are courageous patriots;
• You believe corporations are ‘persons’ and should be allowed to make unlimited campaign contributions, but should not be made to pay taxes;
• You believe that Jesus would bomb Afghanistan and Pakistan flat in a New York minute;
• You believe that Muslims, Mexicans, agnostics, non-Christians, democrats, liberals, atheists and most blacks are treasonous and shouldn’t be allowed to vote.
• You did drugs when young but now think first time drug users should be locked away forever;
• You think Sarah Palin has eloquence and style - and you just adore her because ‘she’s just plain folks like me’;
• You can’t make up your mind between home schooling and vouchers;
• You think what ‘religious freedom’ means is actually Christian dominionism.