RULES AND GUIDELINES FOR THE PRESIDENTIAL STAFF IN THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION:
A: Presidential staff are once again reminded that the President is always RIGHT, no matter what, or when presented with so-called 'facts' to the contrary. The President has access to information which staff does not, and always understands his own truth when staff may not necessarily be so advantaged;
B: Consequently, ALL statements the President makes must be regarded as 'true', notwithstanding alternative facts to the contrary. All staff are required to support the President's statements especially and particularly when or if presented with, or contradicted by indisputable alternative facts;
C: Staff shall not contradict the President in any forum, public or private, even if supporting the President gives the appearance that staff are demonstrably and totally dishonest. Staff are reminded that loyalty to the President supersedes ALL ELSE;
D: The ONLY member of President Donald J. Trump's staff of relevance is Donald J. Trump himself. ALL others must defer to his decisions no matter the urgency of any situation, and his decision must apply no matter what;
E: Ivanka Trump should be considered to be the eyes, ears and brain of President Trump, and primary decision maker in his absence. Ivanka Trump, even though considered by others to be 'without portfolio', is President Trump's defacto 'Chief of Staff' and is to be deferred to in all situations or decisions in the absence of President Trump. Only President Trump is entitled to question, contradict or reverse decisions made by Ivanka Trump;
F: All male members of President Trump's staff positions must surrender their testicles upon accepting an appointment to the President's staff. One member of the President's staff is exempted from this requirement, that being Jared Kushner, who is expected to produce more heirs to the Trump bloodline. In return for his current position, Kushner has agreed that all his future progeny will be given the surname of 'Trump';
G: All female members (including Ivanka Trump) of President Trump's staff positions WITHOUT EXCEPTION, must formally sign in agreement and before a notary, to defend and to hold harmless the President against defamation or lawsuits in any form, including any and all accusations of such things as so-called 'pussy grabbing' by the President, even when the accuser is herself, her friends, acquaintances, or minor children. Female staff are reminded that President Trump's default position invariably is to contest any and all actions brought against him, his companies or enterprises and reserves to himself the right to utilize any defenses, methods, or points of attacks and retribution to destroy opponents, whether fair, legal or not;
H: There are not now, nor will there ever be in the future, any known transgender or homosexual members of President Trump's staff. Any staff later exposed who should have been classified in either category will be terminated immediately and dealt with appropriately. No exceptions!
I: President Trump's staff must always remember that mainstream media is THE ENEMY. The only news providers to be regarded as reliable are Breitbart, Infowars, and marginally to a lesser degree, Fox News. ALL others should be avoided, especially when they present a version of the truth or 'facts' at odds with the President's statements or actions. All staff are cautioned the above named Breitbart and Infowars should ALSO be avoided when they present facts contrary to presidential truth;
J: Only the President may tweet, unless given specific permission by the President. The President at his discretion may at any time appoint an official presidential twitterer, who will be assigned the official title of 'Twitterer for Whitehouse Activity and Thinking'. President Trump has named Kellyanne Conway as the first official Whitehouse TWAT;
K: The President's position is that the Office of the President of the United States of America is an extension of Donald J. Trump's business enterprises and activities. As such, the governance of the country must assume secondary importance in the order of priorities for the activities of the President Trump's staff. Staff are expected to place the furtherance of profits for any and all Donald J. Trump's enterprises as your first priority. Whenever there is the opportunity to increase profits for any of Donald J. Trump's companies coincidental with running the country, that opportunity must take precedence. The fact that may financially disadvantage the country must be of no consequence to staff and must not be considered. NO EXCEPTIONS!
L: Previously ordered and stated, but being reiterated here: The President expects complete confidentiality and will accept nothing less from his staff:
'What happens in President Trump's White House STAYS in the White House!' NO EXCEPTIONS!
This above is an entirely invented work of satire, based on the realities of our current presidential administration.