The Intellectual Presidency

Secretary of Defense nominee Robert Gates told a senate confirmation committee hearing today that the US is ‘not winning’ the war in Iraq. Gates said, "What we are now doing is not satisfactory." When asked directly by Senator Carl Levin if the US was winning the war, Gates replied: "No, sir."

"Our course over the next year or two will determine whether the . . . next President of the US will face a slowly but steadily improving situation in Iraq and in the region or will face the very real risk, and possible reality, of a regional conflagration." he said.

When reporters asked President Bush about Gates’ remarks before the committee, he responded, “Huh! How’s about that? I sure didn’t know that. Rummy and Uncle Dick are always telling me how good things were going over there in Eye- rack and just to let them handle things. I had no idea - I mean I heard some rumors and stuff but you know how that is. Say, you haven’t seen my Ipod have you? I don’t know what I did with that thing - maybe one of those darned twins grabbed mine.”

“Anyhow listen, that’s how come I been talkin’ about ‘stayin’ the course and all that, ‘specially since Unka Dick told everyone the war was in the final throes and all a while back. I mean I figured he knew what was going on, ya know? Lookit, you’re supposed to listen to your advisors and top people doncha? Now, where is that Ipod?”

One reporter persisted in questioning why the president didn’t have a better grasp of the situation in that war torn country saying, “Mr. President, with all due respect, just about everyone else in the country has been well aware the war is going badly and our losses are mounting . Don’t you pay attention to the daily briefings and stay up to date on vitally important things like that?”

“No sir I don’t,” said Bush. “Unka Dick and Rummy was handling all that stuff so’s I won’t be bothered with it. I turned it all over to them ‘cause they’re ‘sposed to be the experts. That’s what us presidents do you know, we delegate. Sure, I’ve seen some of those alarmist TV reports and heard a few rumors and all that, but you know how that liberal dominated media is. Karl and them try to keep me shielded from all that stuff so I can concentrate on being President.”

“Heck, they say even the homeless people and bag ladies probably know more about that war from reading week old wet newspapers than I do. Guess you could call me ‘informationally challenged’ since I don’t have time to read anything unless it’s condensed down to easy words and has lot’s of pictures and all. I’m the War President you know and I’m pretty busy. Now, where did that thing get to?”

“But, Rummy though, he was ‘sposed to know better. If he hadn’t resigned I’d a probably had to fire the old boy if Unka Dick told me to.”

The above is satire and a parody - except some of the quotes are verbatim!