Rumsfeld Still Player on Defense

Rumsfeld may still be running defense behind the scenes

Washington, DC 12/4/06 (Rioters News Service) President Bush addressed the issue of the Iraq war today in a morning press conference which was also attended by former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.

The president said he is seriously considering several recommendations made by Rumsfeld concerning the war. Rumsfeld recommended a ‘major adjustment’ in Iraq saying current actions are ‘not working well enough or fast enough.” Rumsfeld made his recommendations in a memo published Sunday in the New York Times.

“I realize that Rummy has been wrong about the war pretty much 100% of the time so far.” said Bush. “But lookit see, that’s really to our advantage. Just by the pure laws of averages he’s bound to get something right sooner or later. And, I’m betting on this being the time.”

“And that congressional bi-partisan study group on the war is just that.” the president said. “A study group, like a bible study group. We won’t be paying any attention to them since we already know best and can't let ourselves be distracted by any of those smarty pants so-called experts.”

When awakened for questioning during the press conference, Rumsfeld fleshed out his earlier memo with several additional comments. “For one thing,” said Rumsfeld, “you can’t allow the enemy to get the idea he’s got you on the run, even if you actually are on the run and well on the way to losing your war. You’ve got to make the enemy believe you’re in it for the long haul even if it’s costing you billions of dollars and thousands of American lives. That’s an imperative. Planning doesn’t have a thing to do with it. That’s what has always driven our war policy so far.”

“In fact if we have to,” the former secretary went on to say just before he went back to sleep, “we need to throw even more billions of dollars and thousands more lives at this war. It is vital to keep our war profiteers happy too you know as they are very important cogs in our war machine. We will not allow ourselves to be held accountable simply due to the lack of equipment, or armor, or ammunition or anything else. You fight a war with the army you have you know, not the army you wish you have.”

When reporters questioned Rumsfeld’s handling of the war and the downward spiraling turn the war seems to have taken under his leadership, he flared at them asserting that he did what he believed to be right saying, "I believe what I said yesterday. I don't know what I said, but I know what I think, and, well, I assume it's what I said, and needless to say, the President is correct. Whatever it was he said."

President Bush said he had “the fullest of confidence in Rumsfeld’s war doctrine and always had and always would.” He remarked, “I am well known for being loyal to my own staff and people even if it kills thousands of our young American men and women. After all what are our military cannon fodder for if you can’t use them up and waste them in battle when you need to? It’s not like it’s our own children fighting the war after all.”

Bush disclosed that he will himself become involved in personal diplomacy in the middle east as a new ‘ presidential strategedy’.

“I will use my widely recognized verbal and people skills to bring all the contentious parties together. I know my talents will prevail in the long run and eventually and sooner or later. To show my personal bravery, I will put my own safety on the line to accomplish this mission, just so long as those filthy ragheads are willing to come to Washington and undergo a strip & complete body cavity search so we can disarm them before letting them off the airplane.” the president said. ”As you know, I respect all parties in this conflict. I am a uniter and not a divider.”

Press secretary Tony Snow closed the meeting early so that the President could make a previously scheduled tee time with oil company executives.

The above story is satire and a complete parody on current events.
Many of the quotes however, are verbatim!