Saturday, May 24, 2008
Karl Rove's CRAPS Group
The newly formed CRAPS group sat around a table in the penthouse of a fancy Houston, Texas hotel. Karl Rove attempted to call the group to order - but not without some flack from former Attorney General John Ashcroft first.
"I should be in charge here!" Ashcroft demanded petulantly pushing Rove aside to stand at the podium.
"John, please sit down." said Senator Larry Craig of Idaho calmingly. "You've had that particular bee in your bonnet ever since that dead man beat you in that senate race. Time to let that go."
Ashcroft 'garumphed' noisily, but then went silent and sat back down.
"Praise the Lord." Rove said, his piggy little eyes glittering schemingly. "Now then. I've called this charter meeting of C.R.A.P.S. to order. And, you all know why we're here."
"Well, I'm not too damned sure about why I'm here." snorted former Representative Tom DeLay of Texas. "Hell, they have only indicted me so far. They never proved one damned thing, much less passed sentence or anything.
The words 'indicted' and 'passed sentence' seemed to set off a spasm of uncontrollable foot-tapping from Larry Craig. It got even worse when someone mentioned former Representative Randy 'Duke' Cunningham of California.
"Somebody stick a Valium under Larry's tongue, won't you?" said Rove.
"Bit too late for old Duke, eh?" sniffed former White House counsel Harriet Miers as she slipped Craig a pill.
Former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales sat at Miers' side, but said nothing as he patted his shiny, coiffed pompadour.
"Ol' Jack Abramof did that poor bastard in. He's doing hard time at Tucson right now. Looks like he's still gonna get his Congressional pension though."
"Well, of course I know WHY I'm here." sniffed ex- Representative Mark Foley of Florida rather prissily. "But, I don't know WHY I'm here if you know what I mean. All this stuff is giving me the absolute fan-tabs I tell you! Nobody worked harder in Congress than me. In fact, I stayed up many nights all night long, turning over page after page studying stuff."
"Well Mark, those aren't the kinds of studying and pages that count unless you wanted a scandal." Rove remarked.
"Well, I never!" Foley snapped.
"Oh, but yes it damned sure looks like you damned well did!" retorted Rove quickly.
Scooter Libby was next. "Well, I guess it may be a little too late for me since I've already been indicted, tried and sentenced - but I got paroled and commuted, Thank the Lord. But, I am here to offer my advice & counsel."
There was a loud 'thump' as Larry Craig fainted dead away, foot still tapping away wildly.
"Er, ah, ah, ah, ha, ha, er, up, up, ah - what day is it?" griped the venerable Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska as he awoke with the sudden noise. "Somebody better get those Goddamned internet tubes unplugged!"
"It's OK Uncle Ted." soothed Stevens' colleague and fellow Alaskan Representative Don Young. "Take another pill and go back to sleep. You ain't got no damned problems Ted! Now, I can tell you about damned problems! Yessiree! How's about me already spending over a million Goddamned bucks in 'preemptive' legal fees, just to keep my fat ass out of jail? And, I still might go, huh?"
"Snargle, snarf, ut, ut, uff, uff, ah, ah, SHIT!" answered Stevens as he nodded off again.
"By the by," interrupted Vice President Richard Cheney. "Karl, just what does the group's acronym 'CRAPS' stand for?
"Yes, I thought you'd get a kick out of that Dick." chortled a laughing Rove, his rotund little cheeks jiggling merrily in concert with his wriggling fat ass.
"It's simple really. CRAPS stands for 'Corrupt Republicans Avoiding Prosecution & Sentencing'.
"Goddamned right! I approve!" applauded Cheney.