The newly formed CRAPS group sat around a table in the penthouse of a fancy Houston, Texas hotel. Karl Rove attempted to call the group to order - but not without some flack from former Attorney General John Ashcroft first.
"I should be in charge here!" Ashcroft demanded petulantly pushing Rove aside to stand at the podium.
"John, please sit down." said Senator Larry Craig of Idaho calmingly. "You've had that particular bee in your bonnet ever since that dead man beat you in that senate race. Time to let that go."
Ashcroft 'garumphed' noisily, but then went silent and sat back down."Praise the Lord." Rove said, his piggy little eyes glittering schemingly. "Now then. I've called this charter meeting of C.R.A.P.S. to order. And, you all know why we're here."
"Well, I'm not too damned sure about why I'm here." snorted former Representative Tom DeLay of Texas. "Hell, they have only indicted me so far. They never proved one damned thing, much less passed sentence or anything.
The words 'indicted' and 'passed sentence' seemed to set off a spasm of uncontrollable foot-tapping from Larry Craig. It got even worse when someone mentioned former Representative Randy 'Duke' Cunningham of California.
"Somebody stick a Valium under Larry's tongue, won't you?" said Rove.
"Bit too late for old Duke, eh?" sniffed former White House counsel Harriet Miers as she slipped Craig a pill.
Former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales sat at Miers' side, but said nothing as he patted his shiny, coiffed pompadour."Ol' Jack Abramof did that poor bastard in. He's doing hard time at Tucson right now. Looks like he's still gonna get his Congressional pension though."
"Well, of course I know WHY I'm here." sniffed ex- Representative Mark Foley of Florida rather prissily. "But, I don't know WHY I'm here if you know what I mean. All this stuff is giving me the absolute fan-tabs I tell you! Nobody worked harder in Congress than me. In fact, I stayed up many nights all night long, turning over page after page studying stuff."
"Well Mark, those aren't the kinds of studying and pages that count unless you wanted a scandal." Rove remarked.
"Well, I never!" Foley snapped.
"Oh, but yes it damned sure looks like you damned well did!" retorted Rove quickly.
Scooter Libby was next. "Well, I guess it may be a little too late for me since I've already been indicted, tried and sentenced - but I got paroled and commuted, Thank the Lord. But, I am here to offer my advice & counsel."
There was a loud 'thump' as Larry Craig fainted dead away, foot still tapping away wildly.
"Er, ah, ah, ah, ha, ha, er, up, up, ah - what day is it?" griped the venerable Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska as he awoke with the sudden noise. "Somebody better get those Goddamned internet tubes unplugged!"
"It's OK Uncle Ted." soothed Stevens' colleague and fellow Alaskan Representative Don Young. "Take another pill and go back to sleep. You ain't got no damned problems Ted! Now, I can tell you about damned problems! Yessiree! How's about me already spending over a million Goddamned bucks in 'preemptive' legal fees, just to keep my fat ass out of jail? And, I still might go, huh?"
"Snargle, snarf, ut, ut, uff, uff, ah, ah, SHIT!" answered Stevens as he nodded off again.
"By the by," interrupted Vice President Richard Cheney. "Karl, just what does the group's acronym 'CRAPS' stand for?
"Yes, I thought you'd get a kick out of that Dick." chortled a laughing Rove, his rotund little cheeks jiggling merrily in concert with his wriggling fat ass.
"It's simple really. CRAPS stands for 'Corrupt Republicans Avoiding Prosecution & Sentencing'.
"Goddamned right! I approve!" applauded Cheney.
If Bush resigned today, this is what his speech would be.....
ReplyDeleteNormally, I start these things out by saying "My Fellow Americans", I'm not doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know who more than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has happened, and that you're really not fellow Americans any longer.
I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets all in lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution, let me assure you: There's been no breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in this office.
The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people. I'm fed up with an asshole in Juneau Alaska called Gnarly Eric. I'm fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the world. Or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours. And the majority of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and figure it out.
Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians and the news media. Polls show that the majority of you think the economy is in the tank. And that's despite record numbers of homeowners, including record numbers of MINORITY homeowners. And while we're mentioning minorities, I'll point out that minority business ownership is at an all-time high. Our unemployment rate is as low as it ever was during the Clinton administration. I've mentioned all those things befor e, but it doesn't sink in.
Despite the shock to our economy of 9/11, the stock market has rebounded to record levels and more Americans than ever are participating in these markets. Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you are too damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because there's increased demand in other parts of the world, and because a small handful of noisy idiots are more worried about polar bears and beachfront property than your economic security.
We face real threats in the world.
Don't give me this "blood for oil" crap. If I were trading blood for oil I would've already seized Iraq 's oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hell. And don't give me this 'Bush Lied; People Died' crap either. I f I were the liar you morons take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so they could be 'discovered.' Instead, I owned up to the fact that the intelligence was faulty.
Let me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the goods, same as me. Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq was official US policy before I came into office. Clinton established that policy. Bet you didn't know that, did you?
You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during the cold war, there were two major competing political and economic models squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because fundamentally, the Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We were simply able to out spend and out-tech them.
That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't care if they survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as long as they weren't also committed to taking as many of you with them as they can. But they are. They want to kill you, and the bastards are all over the globe. You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in the United States since September 11. But you're not. That's because you've got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence, military, law enforcement, and homeland security people have worked to make sure of that. When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a long and difficult fight. I'm disappointed how many of you people think a long and difficult fight amounts to a single season of 'Survivor.'
Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think that wars should last a few months, a few years tops.
Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation to a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, you might just as well FedEx a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to the same thing.
In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over the Internet, it just isn't on the pages of the New York Times or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter. Most of you would rather watch American Idol.
I could say more about your expectations that the government will always be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's below sea level and has a Cat 5 hurricane approaching.
I could say more about your idiotic belief that government, not your own wallet, is where the money comes from. But I've come to the conclusion that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads.
So, I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an energy-efficient house down there (Al Gore could only dream of) and the capability to be fully self-sufficient.
No one ever heard of Crawford before I got elected, and as soon as I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear of it again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before the last pillars of America fall.
Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting too.
That means Pelosi is your new President. You asked for it - you can have her. Watch what she does carefully, because I still have a glimmer of hope that there are just enough of you remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008.
So that's it.
God bless what's left of America. Some of you know what I mean.
The rest of you - kiss my Texan ass!
For those who slept through World History 101, here is a condensed version.
ReplyDeleteHumans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.
These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberal Pukes(like Gnarly Eric)
2. Conservatives
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men...ie Gnarly Eric!
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals, just to piss them off.
Arctic Circle
ReplyDeleteScientists from around the globe rejoiced as the reason behind the recent global warming phenomenon was uncovered during routine tests in the Arctic.
"It was right in front of us all the time!" Says Prof. Chester Journey, department head at Cal Tech.
The tests showed a huge up-swelling of hot air coming from the North American sector of the globe. Upon our investigation, we narrowed this event source to a small town in Alaska...Juneau!
The massive amount of hot air was spewing forth from an open door at the Juneau American Legion Post 2289. When we entered, our thermal imaging equipment lit up when we pointed it at a large, overweight man sitting on the bar stool.
When asked, he identified himself as General Gnarly Eric, a Viking warrior from the 6th Century. Though as nutty as a loon, and quite ripe with grog, we hammered a cork into his mouth and simply ended a world crisis!
The vast amount of hot air coming from the bar-stooled blowhard known as Gnarly,was estimated to be as strong as a hurricane every second of the day!
Foot note: Nobel Prizes for Science have been handed out to all scientists who participated in this amazing discovery. The 'Viking Warrior' is spending quiet time a Green Vally Rest Home, where he gets to spend lots of time playing with toy boats in the bathtub.