Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Why I Think My Wife May Be a conservative Republican

Oh, my wife talks a good game all right. Oh yes,she claims to be ‘for the people’ and a champion of the little guy. She claims she’s never voted for a conservative Republican in her life.  But, now I’m not too sure. In fact, after today I now have a strong suspicion she might actually BE one. A conservative Republican that is.

Why do I think this?  Well, it’s pretty simple really. It’s like this: Last December someone gave my wife a nice bird feeder for Christmas. If you’ll recall, Christmas last year came shortly after the entire country got a nice present in the election of a genuine people person in the form of Barrack Obama. Are you following so far?

OK. Then early this year my wife nagged me to hang the bird feeder. Sort of like the Republicans started right in making heavy demands on Obama. You know, demands like, “Well, when are you going to start fixing things?” and, “What’s all that hopey, changy stuff you’re talking about?”. Never mind that they were responsible for most of the things needing fixing to begin with and the main reason so many people voted for ‘hope and change’. So, I was sort of in the same position Obama was in at that time. I inherited a responsibility not my own, and was expected by the other side to act on it - to ‘fix it’  - immediately.  The big difference was Obama asked for it and I did not.

So, I hung that consarned bird feeder - in consultation with my wife of course, as to where and how high. I hung it from a tree limb in the back yard.  High enough to be out of the way, but low enough to reach to fill it. The birds loved it and flocked to it all Winter and early Spring. We both enjoyed watching the little critters flitting around and competing for the bird seeds. Somehow, it was also became my responsibility to buy the bird seed and to replenish the feeder as needed. No problem, I enjoyed that. As the weather warmed and natural feed became available I ceased adding seed to the feeder, but left it hanging from its limb.

As the weather warmed our lawn grass began growing again. My wife asked me to buy and distribute lawn fertilizer, which I did. I didn’t mind. In fact I have absolutely no complaints about the lawn at all. That’s because my wife is very jealous of how it looks, and is secretly competitive with our neighbors all around us.  She doesn’t even allow me to cut the grass and other than my paying for things, she does it all, except only occasionally for grunge work like distributing fertilizer. I bought her a fancy riding lawn tractor with all the bells and whistles and  at least once a week she’s out on that thing keeping the grass mown just so.  She’s almost OCD about it in fact. For example, she went away for a few days late last year and I decided to cut the grass while she was away. And that’s the very first thing she noticed when she got home, only the way she expressed it was, “Oh my God! Just look at that!  You’ve just ruined all my work!  You’ve scalped the lawn!  Oh! I could just cry!”  and, “Don’t you ever, under any circumstances, for any reason, ever, ever cut my grass again!”

Whew! You’d have thought I’d have farted at her sister’s wedding or something. I mean she was hostile! But no problem, really, except for the temporary hostile reaction. I was happy to abdicate the lawn care to her. All of it. You see, I’ve never enjoyed anything to do with lawn care work. In fact, if were left to me, I’d pave the goddamned lot and paint it green. So, I’m perfectly happy for my wife to cut our grass while I sit inside having a nice rum toddy. Um, um, good!

So, my wife ALWAYS cuts the grass and I’m not allowed to. Sounds perfect, doesn’t it? Well, not quite as it turns out. Today, I arrived home from somewhere to find my wife in our driveway with a stern glare. Like all husbands, stern glares from the wife are always met with some trepidation. So, I asked tentatively, “What’s wrong Sweetheart?”

“Your @#$%&*$@# bird feeder almost killed me, that’s what! I was zipping around the yard on the mower and didn’t see it. Your #$%&@# bird thingy almost knocked me off the tractor! I was lucky I didn’t black out and fall off and get run over! ”

“MY bird feeder!” exclaimed. “Last I knew that thing was a Christmas present to YOU!”

“I don’t care!” she shouted angrily. “You HUNG the goddamned thing!  And you hung it too low!”

“Too low?” I said. “It was right there where you told me to hang it, and right there in plain sight where you knew it was - couldn’t you see it?”

“Oh, Hell No!  I had my sun hat on and didn't see it and just ran right into it. And, it’s all your goddamned fault!”

It did not matter the bird feeder was hers, and I had tried to help her by hanging it for her.  It did not matter one bit my wife had already mowed several times this year with no problem, and knew exactly right where the feeder hung.  The only thing that did matter was that I had had my hands on it, on her behalf and had 'fixed it' as per her instructions and input, and that she had driven into it herself.  Therefore, it was all my goddamned fault!

And that right there was when I began to suspect my wife at her core, might actually be a conservative Republican. She sure has a lot of the earmarks today all right.

I'm sure gonna be keeping a closer eye on her now.  I've already started hearing about how 'my' fertilizer was making the weeds grow.

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