Friday, January 07, 2011
“So, just so we all understand, we’re here to undo things.” he proclaimed. “Obamacare is disaster for our many friends in the health care and pharmaceutical industries and we can’t let that happen. We’re gonna undo Obamacare as our first order of business.”
“This is the people’s house and we gather here today at a time of great challenges. Nearly one in ten of our neighbors are looking for work. Health care costs are still rising for families and small businesses. But, the way it works in America is when big companies are faced with a choice of making excessive profits, or crapping on the little guy, what do they do? Why what everyone would do of course! They crap!”
“If some people and small businesses get crapped on, why that’s just the way God wants it, or we wouldn’t be elected in the first place! Everyone has to look out for themselves and not look to the government for help. Governments aren’t to help people, but to see to it they are made to help themselves. We weren’t elected to look after people anyway, but instead, to look after that great engine of economic progress - the big American - or big foreign - corporation! After all, I, and most Republicans owe our electoral success to the massive contributions from pharmaceuticals, cigarette manufacturers, health insurance companies, oil companies, military contractors, and oh yes, Native American Indian tribes.”
“And that’s exactly why we plan to do away with Obamacare, because Obamacare is gonna get right smack in the way of excessive profits for pharmaceutical companies and other big health care oligarchies! Where would we look to for our political contributions then?”
“Another part of our plan to help our friends in big business is to get rid of all those darn EPA and Clean Water Act rules and regulations for the protection of the environment and human health. How can any business operate when they’re always looking over their shoulders or trying to hide something from some darn federal regulator? Where’s the freedom in that? That’s the one main reason we plan to flat out outlaw climate change. We’ll just make it illegal to even talk about it! It’s all nonsense anyway. There’s all that ballyhoo about carbon dioxide in the atmosphere for instance. But, every time we exhale, we exhale carbon dioxide! Every cow in the world, you know when they do what they do you've got more carbon dioxide.” (Boehner meant cows "belch", ‘fart’ and 'defecate’ but apparently could not bring himself to say the words).
“Now, we Republicans know going into this thing there’s not a snowball’s chance in Hell to repeal Obamacare, but we don’t care. We’re making a political statement to the American people, who elected us to this house for just that reason - to make political statements to benefit our party! We are criticized for wasting time and the taxpayers’ money, when so many other crucial things need to be done. But we don’t care about that either. After all what’s a few hundred million compared to our 13 trillion dollar deficit? And remember, I only voted for 9.8 trillion dollars in deficit spending for President Bush.”
“And, as for things getting done. We aren’t known as the ‘Party of No’ for nothing. No sir. Hell No! Why else do you think the people elected us if they didn’t want gridlock? We will always be open to the free exchange of ideas of course, and the airing of our differences through honest debate and compromise. Just as long as the ideas are ours and we get to set the rules for debate and compromise. What could be fairer than that?”
“So, you see,we’re here to undo things. In fact, this congress under my leadership is going to go down in history as an Un-Congress! This will be the crowning achievement to my political career. Who would ever have thought that a poor little Catholic boy in a family of twelve children would ever be third in line for the American presidency?”
(Here Boehner was forced to pause for several agonizing minutes as he sobbed openly and copiously trying to regain control. His blubbering face twisted so grotesquely several onlookers grew concerned his tan might fall off, however after a few minutes he did manage to blurt out a few more words):
“You’ll have to excuse me now. I’ve got a must-do golf deal I’ve just got to make.”
* This is a made-up article which includes many actual quotes from John Boehner’s remarks.