The Un-Congress

* House speaker John Boehner took control as Speaker of the US House of Representatives on January 5, 2011. Speaker Boehner immediately set to work to put the Republican Party’s spin on things.

“So, just so we all understand, we’re here to undo things.” he proclaimed. “Obamacare is disaster for our many friends in the health care and pharmaceutical industries and we can’t let that happen. We’re gonna undo Obamacare as our first order of business.”

“This is the people’s house and we gather here today at a time of great challenges. Nearly one in ten of our neighbors are looking for work. Health care costs are still rising for families and small businesses. But, the way it works in America is when big companies are faced with a choice of making excessive profits, or crapping on the little guy, what do they do? Why what everyone would do of course! They crap!”

“If some people and small businesses get crapped on, why that’s just the way God wants it, or we wouldn’t be elected in the first place! Everyone has to look out for themselves and not look to the government for help. Governments aren’t to help people, but to see to it they are made to help themselves. We weren’t elected to look after people anyway, but instead, to look after that great engine of economic progress - the big American - or big foreign - corporation! After all, I, and most Republicans owe our electoral success to the massive contributions from pharmaceuticals, cigarette manufacturers, health insurance companies, oil companies, military contractors, and oh yes, Native American Indian tribes.”

“And that’s exactly why we plan to do away with Obamacare, because Obamacare is gonna get right smack in the way of excessive profits for pharmaceutical companies and other big health care oligarchies! Where would we look to for our political contributions then?”

“Another part of our plan to help our friends in big business is to get rid of all those darn EPA and Clean Water Act rules and regulations for the protection of the environment and human health. How can any business operate when they’re always looking over their shoulders or trying to hide something from some darn federal regulator? Where’s the freedom in that? That’s the one main reason we plan to flat out outlaw climate change. We’ll just make it illegal to even talk about it! It’s all nonsense anyway. There’s all that ballyhoo about carbon dioxide in the atmosphere for instance. But, every time we exhale, we exhale carbon dioxide! Every cow in the world, you know when they do what they do you've got more carbon dioxide.” (Boehner meant cows "belch", ‘fart’ and 'defecate’ but apparently could not bring himself to say the words).

“Now, we Republicans know going into this thing there’s not a snowball’s chance in Hell to repeal Obamacare, but we don’t care. We’re making a political statement to the American people, who elected us to this house for just that reason - to make political statements to benefit our party! We are criticized for wasting time and the taxpayers’ money, when so many other crucial things need to be done. But we don’t care about that either. After all what’s a few hundred million compared to our 13 trillion dollar deficit? And remember, I only voted for 9.8 trillion dollars in deficit spending for President Bush.”

“And, as for things getting done. We aren’t known as the ‘Party of No’ for nothing. No sir. Hell No! Why else do you think the people elected us if they didn’t want gridlock? We will always be open to the free exchange of ideas of course, and the airing of our differences through honest debate and compromise. Just as long as the ideas are ours and we get to set the rules for debate and compromise. What could be fairer than that?”

“So, you see,we’re here to undo things. In fact, this congress under my leadership is going to go down in history as an Un-Congress! This will be the crowning achievement to my political career. Who would ever have thought that a poor little Catholic boy in a family of twelve children would ever be third in line for the American presidency?”

(Here Boehner was forced to pause for several agonizing minutes as he sobbed openly and copiously trying to regain control. His blubbering face twisted so grotesquely several onlookers grew concerned his tan might fall off, however after a few minutes he did manage to blurt out a few more words):

“You’ll have to excuse me now. I’ve got a must-do golf deal I’ve just got to make.”

* This is a made-up article which includes many actual quotes from John Boehner’s remarks.

A Cheap Government Option Health Care Plan Already Exists

I'm having trouble about so much congressional opposition to a national health care plan with a government option.   I am having so much heartburn over this because such a plan already exists.   In fact, it has existed for years. 

This is plan utilizing local clinics for everyone with full-time doctors you may access anytime you wish for a modest annual fee.  Other costs, if any,  are at government expense, much like Medicare today.

This is not assembly-line medicine either.   It is the best of care, where doctors spend plenty of time with each patient to get to know them and their health conditions and concerns.  The plan provides excellent primary care medicine with thorough examinations and focuses on preventative medicine for the long-term well-being of its patients.  Specialists of all kinds are readily available when needed.  In other words, it is an ideal plan and one we can all wish we had.

"If you had, for example, prostate cancer, you would go to one of the centers of excellence for the country, which would be Johns Hopkins. If you had coronary artery disease, we would engage specialists at the Cleveland Clinic. You would go to the best care in the country. And, for the most part, nobody asked what your insurance was" says Dr. Eduardo Balbona, a Jacksonville, Florida internist who once worked as a staff physician for the plan.

The plan is currently available at an unbelievably low annual cost of $503 per individuals, with the rest of the costs being picked up by the US government.  But, the trouble is, this plan is not very well known.  In fact, the managers of this plan refuse to discuss it, and have not returned phone calls from journalists who wished to inquire about the details.  And, the users of this plan say little about it.  When TV personality Dr. Timothy Johnson of ABC made a personal visit to the man in charge, he was asked to leave.   Requests by ABC News to tour facilities were denied due to 'security sensitivities'.

How can this be so with a federal government's government option health care plan?

The short answer is this plan is simply not available to most Americans.  Only

members of Congress enjoy this plan.  Maybe they feel guilty about it and  simply wish you did not know the details.  That might be your two state senators and all the congressional representatives of your state, who currently enjoy exactly such a plan and regularly make use of it - at our expense.  They seem to feel it is OK for them, for not for the rest of us.

Simply put,  our elected politicians apparently feel they have the inherent right to enjoy - at out expense - something which many of them deny for anyone else.  And, if we don't rise up in righteous and furious indignation to demand this be changed,  on pain of their being drawn and quartered, we don't have a hair on our collective asses!  There should be no favored classes in a democracy.  Period.

Say some believe we shouldn't have government health care.  OK, so demand the politicians dispense with theirs.  Or, say some feel there should be equal health care for everyone.  So, those demand that if it's a government plan, let everyone qualify for exactly the same thing.  Nothing more, nothing less.

Let Congress know how you feel!

The New, Bipartisan Health Care Plan Initiative

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi opened a clandestine bipartisan meeting of several top US lawmakers  in an undisclosed location in Washington, DC.  Republicans in attendance were House Minority Leader John Boehner of Ohio and minority Whip Eric Cantor of WVA,  and Senators John McCain and Mitch McConnell of KY.  Interested spectators in attendance were former presidential candidates Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney.  Democrats present besides Pelosi were Congressman Earl Pomeroy of North Dakota and John Dingell of Michigan.

"This is a serious meeting folks." said Pelosi.  "We don't have the time or the patience for any of your usual frat house bullshit, so please keep the grab-ass down.  We've here because we've got some major problems on this health care reform issue."

"Yeah, tell me about it Nancy." retorted Boehner.  "Ever since you Democrats took over it's left us Republicans sucking at a hind tit for campaign donations from the industry.  Hell, I hardly got latte' money any more since a majority of the campaign money now goes your way."

Pelosi snorted, "Yeah, well.  You don't have anybody to blame but yourselves Johnny boy.  I've been telling you folks for years you were letting George W. Bush's bunch wreck the party.  Now, it's our turn and we're gonna ride this puppy for all it's worth.  And, the good news is, campaign money from the health care folks is at an all time high.  The bad news is, it looks like obama is gonna have the strength to actually make changes this time around.  If that happens, we're gonna lose the issue and the cash cow that goes with it."

"Oh, hell yeah, dammit all!" broke in Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky.  "We're all in a heap o' trouble this time around.  And I'm pretty God-damned pissed about it too!  I've a good mind to go kick on some restroom stall doors like Larry Craig."   McConnell was dirty, rumpled  and angry having earlier been mistaken for a large box turtle and wrestled to the ground by security on first attempting to enter the meeting.

"Yes, well, have a seat Mitch.  Johnny and I have already agreed." said Pelosi.  "We've got to do something to keep the issue alive. That's why we're here.  Johnny has come up with a plan which I think has a good chance of working. We can call it reform, but is so blatantly unfair it's bound to keep everybody up in arms and fighting for years and most importantly, keep those campaign funds flowing.  We'll call it bipartisan, but everyone will know it's coming from a Republican.  It's the kind of plan they would expect from any Republican and it gives us Democrats plenty of cover all at the same time."

She went on, " We're gonna embrace this in a bipartisan way by calling it the 'Republican Answer To Systemic Health Initiative Targets', or 'RATSHIT' for short amongst ourselves.

Senator McCain awoke for a moment to break in, "So, tell us Nancy.  How's this here RATSHIT thingy work anyway?"

"Be patient John.  I'm getting to that." she replied.  "I'm gonna ask Johnny Boehner to explain things to everyone."

Boehner got to his feet and passed around a colorful chart to everyone present:

(Click on image to enlarge)

"I've put together a little presentation I'm calling the 'Republican Health Care Plan Color Wheel." he said.  "I'll explain how it works.  Basically, it's a simple qualification chart."

"Notice now." he began.  "There's four levels of health care identified by the different colors, with the highest at the top, identified with a rosy red color.  We'll call this 'Class I'.  You'll notice ten identifiers within this color circle.  In order to get this level of health care a person would need to be able to claim at least 5 out of the 10.  Politicians will always qualify of course no matter who they are, just as we do now."

"Next is Class II, which is identified by a yellow color.  To qualify for this level, a person would need to claim at least two of the identifiers, on either of the yellow color circles."

"Class III is next of course, identified by a green color.  Again, an individual would need to claim at least two of the identifiers in either of the green color circles."

"And finally, there is Class IV with a blue color circle.  A person needs only to meet one of the identifiers for this level.  In fact, the Class IV is for anyone who doesn't qualify for a higher class."

"Absolutely brilliant!" shouted Mitt Romney.  "Not one damned iota bit different than what goes on today, and yet we can still call it a PLAN'!"

"Praise be to the Lord!" cried a smiling Mike Huckabee.

"I thought you'd all like it." grinned Nancy Pelosi.  "Yes, it can be called a 'plan', yet it maintains the status quo and keeps this issue alive and on the front burner forever if we like.  That can only be good for our campaign war chests."

"I'll say amen to that!" said Huckabee.

Republican Strategery Meeting

A Soul-Searching Meeting . . .

Michael Steele, chairman of the RNC began the meeting by saying, "I've called this meeting to discuss the direction to take the Republican Party."

"We're really in deep doo - doo." broke in Newt Gingrich quickly, attempting to take charge. "This Arlen Spector defection has really hurt us. If we don't do something fast, the Republican Party is toast."

"Yeah right! That's what you said when you resifned your post as Speaker and bugged out from Congress back in '97." Sneered Congressman John Boehner of Ohio. "I 'member that's when you wanted to train wreck the government 'cause you were pissed at Clinton. That cutesy little move sure didn't win you brownie points anywhere, did it dick shit? What kinda stuff were you sniffing back then anyhow?"

"Kiss my round, pink, well-cared-for sweet and fat ass!" Newt retorted huffily.

"Now, now boys." intoned Michael Steele, . "Remember who you are."

"Who the Hell you callin' 'boy', Boy?" demanded Newt.

Steele smacked him smartly up side the head.

"You wouldn't get away with that crap if we's back down in Kennesaw, GA." sobbed a mortified Newt as he rubbed his pinkened noggin. "Them good ol' boy's down there 'ould straighten out yer black ass for sure!"

Steele smacked him again quite hard, quickly and sharply before he could duck. Newt slunk off into a corner where he pouted darkly and cried, while his friend Eric Cantor tried to console him. "There, there, Newty." said Cantor. "There, there, Baby."

"We've got work to do guys." Steele went on, ignoring Newt. "We don't have time for the good-ol-boy stuff. Newt and all his bullshit and nonsense is old news We've got to work on saving the party George W. Bush and his bunch destroyed. Hell, they have the whole country believing Republicans are nothing but incompetent, corrupt, brain-dead religious fanatics out to destroy everyone's civil rights."

A chorus of general agreement ran round the table, until Senator Mitch McConnell bobbed his head turtle-like and got hurriedly to his feet.

"Hey now, let's not be so quick to throw out the baby with the bath water." Mitch insisted sonorously. "We owe those good-ol-boy bible thumpers and snake handlers a lot. If it wasn't for them, I never would have been elected in the first place. I'm not talking about the ones on welfare of course. I'm talking about the 20% or so of American dumb clucks who still believe in us and cling to the fantasy we're on their side."

Rush Limbaugh, attending as the uncrowned, and unofficial king of conservatives, now aggressively pounded the table and spoke for the first time: "Damned right! We won't ever lose those dummies who still think we're right - we've got those bozos for life. Hell, I even call 'em'Dittoheads' and they just eat that shit up. Would you believe they even call themselves that? Go figure!"

"But, speaking as the real head of the party, I've gotta insist we get rid any damned RINO's - 'Republicans In Name Only' - left around who might decide to defect too. I'm talking right now about people like Olympia Snowe, Susan Collins and that God-damned maverick McCain!"

"Now, just hold on a gosh-damned minute!" shouted an angry John McCain from the back of the room, but few heard him beyond a few feet and he was otherwise ignored. Neither Snowe nor Collins were in attendance.

Bobby Jindal of Louisiana, recently recognized by many Republicans as their newest young up and comer, now put in his two cents' worth: "From where I sit, it's really pretty simple: We either need to find something else good to scare the hell out of everyone with, or find some WMD's in Iraq to prove we had it right over there. Since it looks like both of those are out, and as much as I hate to admit it, we might have to rebrand ourselves.. How's about 'Vote For Change'?"

"That's been done you ninny." retorted Steele sharply. "Obama did that."

"I can see Russia from my house!" shouted Sarah Palin over the general din, but everyone studiously ignored her, including Orrin Hatch who snored softly in his corner.

Steele continued, "We're in trouble guys. Newt was right about one thing. We ARE in deep doo-doo. We're out of money for one thing, and contributions are way down. Our corporate sugar daddies are bailing out by the hundreds and going to the other side."

"Speaking of bailing out, can't we qualify for bailout money from the Stimulus Bill?" demanded Palin. "We can call ourselves the 'Republican National Bank' or something."

"Go on back over to Nordstrom or Neiman-Marcus, Sarah." said Steele. "You're qualified there, but way out of your pay grade here."

"Well, I never!" snorted Palin indignantly.

"Oh, hell yes you did!" cried a suddenly re-energized John McCain. "For one thing you damned sure train wrecked my run for president, you bitch! And another thing, everybody knows all your bullshit 'abstinence' talk is just so much horse puckey after your daughter got knocked up - and on your watch too as governor. What kind of damned mother are you anyway?"

Palin retorted angrily, "Well by God at least I don't need a shot of oxygen just to wake up each day! And if your damned people had listened to me, you'd be president right this minute, and I'd be half a heartbeat away myself. I'm still mad as hell about all that. Listen numbskull, you want to be real careful about making this pig bull, er, ah, er, I mean a pit bull in lipstick mad at you. I could go off like a pit bull with PMS!"

"Yeah, right! You might be real dangerous if you'd stop shooting yourself and everybody around you in the foot too." said a quick thinking McCain as he ducked the shoe Palin threw at him.

"Meeting's adjourned!" shouted an exasperated Michael Steele.


* (Disclaimer: This is an imaginary account of a strategy session among today's Republican leadership)