Sunday, May 22, 2011


There was an apocalypse yesterday,right on schedule and just as predicted. Only the event was not the scheduled event. Preacher Harold Camping assured his followers through his ‘Family Radio’ stations that ‘The Rapture’ would occur at 6 PM, Saturday May 21, 2011. Millions of dollars were spent on billboards and other signage notifying the public of the forthcoming event. Signs proclaimed, “Have you heard the awesome news? The End of the World is Almost Here! It begins on May 21, 2011. The Bible Guarantees It.”

Powerful earthquakes were to shatter graveyards all over the world, and all good Christian souls would be ‘gathered up’ in the clouds to heaven, the ancient dead true believers along with the currently alive. Non-believers would be thrown into chaos with universal gnashing of teeth and unrelenting sorrow and woe for the unsaved. Eventually, the world and the entire universe in fact, would be ‘annihilated’ and only the true Christian souls would remain, safely in the arms of Jesus sitting at the foot of God himself. Altogether around two hundred million souls on Earth would be raptured into the arms of Jesus.

Harold Camping GUARANTEED it would happen.

Camping’s followers prepared themselves for The Rapture. Some sold everything to donate money for the expenses of notifying the world. Others spent savings for their children’s education splurging on wanton enjoyment of their last few days on Earth. No one knows how many believers threw over everything in the last days and weeks in anticipation of The Rapture.

Trouble is, that particular apocalypse didn’t exactly happen. No driverless cars were left careening down the interstates. No one noticed heaps of clothing and empty shoes in malls or offices anywhere, whose wearers were suddenly yanked out of their clothing and gathered up to their heavenly rewards. No reports of heavenly visitors have come in from anywhere on Earth, not even one measly UFO. Nothing, zippo, nada.

Except perhaps for Camping himself. Reportedly, at 6 PM yesterday at his California house, shades were drawn and no one answered the door - so could be Camping himself was raptured, and all that remains of him on earth are some slightly soiled jockey shorts on the floor of his bedroom. The simple fact is no one knows yet. But for others, nothing happened.

Gosh, can you even imagine the disappointment among the true believers?

The media made much of Harold Camping’s age - 89 - as if that explains his compulsion to spread his ‘Awesome News’. But, most people believe age isn’t a necessary factor in idiocy. All you have to do is look to Camping’s acolytes for proof of that. Obviously, if anyone threw away everything in preparation for The Rapture as guaranteed by Camping, then, ipso facto, they are morons. And, there is absolutely no point in in trying to rationalize with indoctrinated religious morons. It is a waste of time. Rationality simply doesn’t compute with ‘believers’. No way, no how, no time.

Besides, I am convinced if any God does actually exist, He, She or It won’t give one good goddamn about moronic and doctrinal religious idiots of any flavor, especially any which prays evil and damnation for anyone who doesn’t believe as they do.

There were some things I was looking forward to if the event had occurred. First of course there would be all that stuff left behind by the raptured. And, the world would be rid of all those irritating Christian true believers for a few months at least until the world blew up. But, beyond that Camping taught that all churches have become ‘apostate’ (turned away from God) and would be abandoned. He also prophesied the ‘end of the church age’ and churches would no longer be needed or used. I liked those ideas a lot. You know, I could live with that. Very happily. And just think of all that property we could get back on the tax rolls!

That simply boggles the mind!

But an apocalypse did occur, as I’ve said. At least for Harold Camping’s acolytes it did. They now know what it feels like to realize they are complete, pitiable idiots. And they now know just how worthless Harold Camping's guarantee actually is.

But, guess what? It really won’t matter at all to them in the end. You can cure ignorance with enough education, but stupidity is complete and forever.

Meanwhile the rest of the world is having fun at the rapturers’ expense. Overseas people are laughing at the bizarre Americans who expected to be raptured:
Salon published  tongue-in-cheek reasons the Rapture failed, my favorite being “A detail explanation is available for $49.95 [shipping and handling charges included]”  

No comments:

Post a Comment

You may post anything you wish in comments. I guarantee all will be read. But, due to personal attacks and deliberate flaming, I will not agree to publish all comments.