Sunday, August 07, 2011

Rick Perry Connects With Jesus

Texas Governor Rick Perry, very satisfied with himself after his big Prayer meeting was relaxing in his hotel room in a fancy Houston hotel when the telephone rang.  Perry never answered telephones unless he expected a call. He answered this call, but found it was not who he expected:

Perry:  “Hello . . . ”
Jesus:  “Rick Perry, are you there?”

Perry:  “Who the hell is this?”
Jesus:  “It’s me. Your Lord and savior. Are you sure you’re Governor Rick Perry?”

Perry:  “Yep, Goddamned right I am sure! Now, who in hell is this and how in hell did you get this number?”
Jesus:  “I’m the Lord, Jesus Christ to you. And I have any number I want. All by myself I’m kinda like an early version of the internet, only I just ‘know’, you know. Sorta like ‘Dex Knows’ - only better and quicker.”

Perry:  “Yeah right! Jesus Christ my aching ass! Now, how’d you get through on this damned line anyway?”
Jesus:  “You were in the bathroom snorting coke just now, Ricky boy, now weren’t you? Right?”

Perry:  “ . . . . . wha . . . . how, what the hell . . .?”
Jesus:  “And, right now you’re wearing your favorite pink silk Speedo briefs with the little valentine hearts on them too, right?”

Perry:  “(Gasp!) . . well, . . . no, er. well, yeah, ah . . . . now, wait just a damned minute! How do you know all this shit anyhow? Are you stalking me?”
Jesus:  “I told you I was Jesus Christ, didn’t I?”

Perry:  “Well yeah, but . . . “
Jesus:  “And, when you answered the phone you figured I was that cross-dressing transvestite you arranged for earlier to come have a little fun right?

Perry:  “Jesus Christ!”
Jesus:  “Yes, that’s exactly right! Now that you are getting your mind straight, I need to have a little chat with you.”

Perry:  “Holy Shit! Gosh, er, Jesus, I mean, Lord - I’m sorry about all that stuff - I didn’t mean none of it. You just caught me off guard you see, and I was just testing to find out who was violating the law or something by calling me. Understand? Jesus, you do understand, right?”
Jesus:  “Oh sure I understand Ricky. I know all about you evangelical Christians. I’ve been dealing with your types for centuries. And, a lot of them are enjoying a hot time in Hell right now too, let me tell you. But, that’s another matter for another time as far as you are concerned. Right now I want to talk to you about your so-called prayer meeting.”

Perry:  “Oh, Jesus! Right Lord! I hope you liked it . . . .I, I tried to be make it good for you.”
Jesus:  “Sure you did Ricky boy. But both you and I know that’s a total crock of bullshit. You did it for one reason and one reason only, and that’s because you want to make a run for the presidency and figured on grabbing the evangelical vote.”

Perry:  “No, no, ah, er, it’s not like that at all . . . . I’m a totally faithful and sincere Christian, Lord. I’m right there in your corner like I’ve always been.”
Jesus:  “Oh sure you are Rick, when it’s convenient. But, let’s cut to the chase, shall we? You are a lying frigging hypocrite and we both know that. So, quit your weak and whiny lying will you? Frankly it’s cowardly, embarrassing  and wastes my time.”

Perry:  “No, really, I . . . .”
Jesus:  “Shut the hell up Rick, and listen! Any more lying and I’ll nail your ass right now!”

Perry:  “Yessir. I’m listening Lord . . .”
Jesus:  “Good. Now, about that so-called prayer meeting. You know praying for jobs is a crock, right?” 

Perry:  “Well, no, yeah, I, er, ah . . .”
Jesus:  “Shut up Rick. Don’t try to lie to me, or I’ll fry your ass. Praying for jobs, or anything like that is totally stupid, a fairy tale. But then no one ever said either you or evangelical Christians were the sharpest knives in the drawer, did they?

Perry:  “Well, no, er . . . but, “
Jesus:  “I told you to shut up Rick. I mean all that praying for rain you had folks doing for Texas back in April really worked, didn’t it? That should have told you something right there.”

Perry:  “Well, I thought . . .”
Jesus:  “Shut up Rick. That’s just the trouble, you don’t think. Maybe you can’t think. You figure you can grab some easy votes by playing up to the evangelical crazies, and you might be right about that, but that’s it. All that bullshit praying for rain won’t and didn’t bring any rain, did it? None. Zippo. Nada. ”

Perry:  “Well, er . . .”
Jesus:  “I told you to shut the hell up Rick. Now zip it!”

Perry:  “Yessir. Zipped.”
Jesus:  “Good. Now, keep it that way. Praying for rain and jobs is one thing, but all that craziness about ‘Praying the Gay Away’ just takes the frigging cake. When I heard that crap I just about pulled the plug on your ass, Ricky boy. But, then I though, ‘Well, why not? Why not let that obtuse asshole show the entire world how stupid he really is?’ And, that’s working in spades too, let me tell you. Everybody has you spotted now Rick. Trouble is, you loopy evangelicals have it all completely wrong. Pray the gay away my flowing purple robe! Don’t you imbeciles realize gays are part of God’s plan too, just like Blacks, and Mexicans and midgets, Norwegians, geniuses, and the blind, lame and alcoholics, and so on and on and on? Even you noxious evangelicals are part of God's plan, and what in Hell makes you think that you, you idiots, get to decide what is to be and what isn’t to be? Huh?”

Perry:  “Well, I . . .”
Jesus:  “Shut the hell up Rick.”

Perry:  “Yessir.”
Jesus:  “And, then I found out no non-Christians would be allowed on the stage or to speak at your prayer meeting. I gotta tell you Rick, when I heard that, I just about showered the wrath of God down on the whole damned shooting match. Still might, because I know who you are and where you live. I’m still mighty pissed, but I think I'm gonna let that slide for now, for most of you idiots.”

Perry:  “Yessir.”
Jesus:  “And Rick, this is just a friendly call for the sake of your family, a fair warning if you will, so listen up.” 

Perry:  “Yessir?”
Jesus:  “Rick, make damned sure your life insurance is paid up and your will is up to date, OK?”

Perry:  “Jesus Christ!”
Jesus:  “Yepper! You got that right!”

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