Rick Perry was interviewed by Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly shortly after the debate hosted by ABC on December 10, 2011:
O’Reilly: Welcome Rick!
Perry: Thank you Bill. Glad to be here.
O’Reilly: Well Rick, you sure gave a better account of yourself in the last debate.
Perry: Well thanks, yep. I studied up for this one and I guess it showed.
O’Reilly: Sure did. At least you didn’t make a stupid mistake like you did when you listed off three things then could only remember one and a half of them.
Perry: Yep. That was a real ‘oops’ moment for me there. Made me look foolish and stupid.
O’Reilly: I cringed for you when that happened. I said to myself, ‘Gosh. That sure did make Perry seem stupid.’
Perry: Ain’t that the truth? But, I ain’t really a stupid man - I just play one on TV sometimes. Just can’t seem to help it now and again.
O’Reilly: (Laughs) I’m saying one thing though Rick. You sure do have the presidential look to you.
Perry: Well, that ain’t an accident Bill. I practice looking like that. My mama used to tell me, ‘you got to look like what you want to be.’ ‘Course, she wanted me to be a preacher, and I guess you could say a preacher look is a lot like a presidential look in many ways.
O’Reilly: Yes, you sure seem to have that part down. I don’t believe any of your competition look as much like a president as well as you do.
Perry: Nope, I agree. But, remember another thing Bill. In a way being a president is a lot like being a preacher. Or, a governor. I mean being a governor is like being a preacher too in some ways.
O’Reilly: How so?
Perry: Well, you know we give a lot of speeches and talks standing behind a podium like a preacher. It’s what I like to call it the ‘godly look’, and I practice that. And, you know like hand gestures. Holding your hands in a prayerful way, and moving out from behind the podium to make a point like a preacher. All that promotes the godly look. I have to confess I sometimes practice my godly look in front of a mirror.
O’Reilly: Godly look?
Perry: Yep. And, it ain’t an accident either. I AM a godly man. I brought God with me back into the Texas statehouse. I did that because God told me to do it.
O’Reilly: God told you?
Perry: Oh, yes. I’ll never forget it. He said to me, ‘Rick’ - we’ve been on real familiar terms since I've been governor - He said to me, ‘Rick, I’m counting on you, and I want you to save Texas, and steer Texas back onto the path of righteousness. Texas has been losing her way under democrat influence, and the queers, and you got to put a stop to that!’
O’Reilly: Oh, really? I mean, God talks to you in person?
Perry: Sure does. Every day. Oh, I know there’s plenty who’ll say it’s just in my head. That I’m hearing God in my imagination. But, I’m here to tell you God picks out some people to do his work here on Earth, and I’m one of them. No doubt about that. And, that’s why I’m doing all I can to do God’s work.
O’Reilly: Well, Michelle Bachmann says exactly the same thing.
Perry: Michelle is just a wannabe, and she doesn't really have the platform like I do. Saying it's so doesn't make it so. There's no way God would pick her to do His work.
O’Reilly: His work? You mean like having an official Texas day of prayer for rain to combat the drought?
Perry: Oh yes. That was just one of the things God told me to do.
O’Reilly: Well, some folks will say, in fact a lot of folks will say that hasn’t exactly worked out. They’ll say the Texas drought is now actually much, much worse now than before all the prayers. And, they’ll say it is much worse in Texas than anyplace else.
Perry: Well they can say anything they want. It’s a free country. But, my answer to that is God has his reasons. There’s a mighty good reason God wants a drought in Texas. We just don’t know His reason. Maybe it's a way to bring folks back to God's house. Sure has worked out that way.
O’Reilly: But, if God wanted a drought in Texas why would He ask you to have the entire state pray for rain?
Perry: Bill, like I said, maybe it's a way to bring people back to God. But, it is not for man to question God. Ever. Like I said, I don’t know why God wants there to be a drought, but He wants one or else we wouldn’t have one. I do know we can’t second guess God. God works in his own mysterious ways and and I can tell you He has his reasons, I know they are darn good reasons too, and if and when He wants us to know, he’ll let us know. God does not answer to man, but man must answer to God.
O’Reilly: Amen, Rick. But, I also wanted to ask you about that ad you got so much criticism over from gay people and non-Christians.
Perry: What about it?
O’Reilly: Well, many people are saying it was over the top, that you emphasized Christianity too much and were disrespectful to gays.
Perry: Well, this is a Christian nation Bill, and I was just pointing that out. And gays and lesbians are an abomination in God’s eyes, and this administration lets them serve openly in the military.
O’Reilly: Well Rick, I’m going to play devil’s advocate here. Many people dispute this is a Christian nation, and surveys show up to 25% of all Americans are homosexuals. Are you telling me you would rule out one quarter of the population from serving the defense of the country?
Perry: I don’t care how many people dispute anything.The majority of Americans are Christians, and the majority rules. If the majority wants this to be a Christian nation, then that’s what it is. As for the queers, that’s where I agree with the Taliban. We need to take them all out and stone them to death.
O’Reilly: Kill 25% of all Americans?
Perry: Damned right! People are always complaining about over population anyway. Why not kill two birds with one stone, so to speak, if you’ll pardon my pun?
O’Reilly: Pardon accepted as I happen to agree with you. OK then, back to the Christians. The First Amendment to the Constitution says, ‘"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof..."
Perry: That’s exactly right! Congress doesn’t have any right to say this ain’t a Christian nation! And if the Constitution did, it would need to be changed!
O’Reilly: But, there are lots of Jews and Muslims and a lot of other religions in this country who could be offended if this were declared to be a Christian nation.
Perry: Did you not hear what I said Bill? Majority rules! If those others don’t want to be Christian to live in a Christian nation they can leave, by God!
O’Reilly: Gosh, Rick. Research shows 60 to 70% of Americans claim to be Christians of one sort or another. Population in the US is around 310 million, so if say 35% are non-Christians, we’d be left with around 200 million. Then take out 25% of those as being homosexuals stoned to death, that would leave just 150 million people in the country - less than half of today’s, and actually less than what we had back in 1950. That would be turning back the clock 60 some odd years!
Perry: Yep. And that’s what I’d call being just about a perfect world Bill. The 1950’s were some glorious years in this county Bill. Of course I don't remember them well myself since I was a small child, but that's what my folks tell me, and they were just good Texas Christians.
O’Reilly: Well, I'm a year or so older and I remember them, and it is true the 'fifties were some great times. I can’t help from being nostalgic for the Joe McCarthy years myself. He was just a half century ahead of his time.
Perry: Oh yes, well, we’ve got a chance now to set things right again, if you’ll pardon my pun. When I’m elected President of the United States that’s just what you will see.
O’Reilly: Well, you’ve still got a lot of opposition, and you are still down in the polls.
Perry: I don’t pay attention to polls Bill. I don’t need to since I’ve got God on my side.
O’Reilly: Yes you do. I wish you luck Rick.
Perry: Like I said Bill, I don’t need luck. I’ve got God on my side.
* This is a parody on the bizarreness of some potential GOP nominees. If we can't make fun of the these bozos, we are in some real trouble.