Monday, July 16, 2012

You might be a Modern Republican if , . . . 

You know more than one woman under the age of thirty-five named "Ethel";

 You can whine and eat at the same time;

 You can whine and sleep at the same time;

 Your pickup truck has a gun rack inside the cab and a cross and/or fish symbol on the bumper;

 You use any kind of "anti-gas medication"; 

You know two or more guys your age you call "Bubba";

 You have ever had a "Charlton Heston Is My Other President" bumper sticker on your car;

 You are over fifty and watch "Toddlers in Tiaras";

 You have a picture of Goldwater, Nixon or Reagan anywhere in your house or office;

 You have always really liked sausage gravy;

You have any relative of either sex named "Butch";

 Your golf clubs or watch cost more than your wife's car;

 You believe taxing employees at far higher rates than their bosses is just and fair;

 You take Viagra AND acid reflux medication;

 You think the 'Real Americans' may be found in the rural areas of Texas, Oklahoma, Alabama and Georgia;

 You think serving red, white and blue cupcakes makes you patriotic;

You think Ronald Reagan really did 'hang the moon';

 You can say "compassionate conservative" with a straight face;

You think 'a thousand points of light' actually is a good quip and slogan;

 You think Rush Limbaugh should to do a calendar;

 A five second sound-bite is the maximum limit of your attention span;

 You have a genuine Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly or Sean Hannity autograph;

 Being a 'good Christian' places no limits on your interest in sexually perverse web sites;

You are secretly FEATURED on one or more sexually perverse web sites;

You drink Budweiser beer because it's American beer by God! (But don't know the brewery is owned by a European company);

 You think Sarah Palin was unfairly blindsided by Katie Couric in their interview;

 You sincerely believe Sarah Palin would be a far better President than Obama;

 You believe Sarah Palin's children should not have media attention, even though Palin herself paraded them before the public;

 You defend Richard Nixon as 'a great guy who let himself be trapped by his liberal enemies';

 Your favorite sarcasms are calling people 'professor' or 'intellectual';

 You think Joe McCarthy was right and got a raw deal from communists in Congress;

 You watch Fox News because they are your only source for 'fair and balanced' news;

 You sincerely believe publishing fake stories of weapons of mass destruction is plenty enough reason to attack another country with your own weapons of mass destruction;

 You believe all the 'lamestream media' (everyone except Fox) is controlled by communists, socialists or liberals;

 You believe getting a blowjob from a White House intern is far worse than an illegal invasion of another country killing hundreds of thousands;

 You believe all Democrats are left-wing;

 Your favorite vehicle is a Hummer;

You HAVE a vehicle named after an oral sex act (Hummer);

 You have an American flag decal on your Hummer; 

You think tax breaks for the rich will create jobs;

 You think George W. Bush is just a misunderstood intellectual with poor verbal skills;

 You think parts of the Bill of Rights are unnecessary, probably socialist and should be repealed;

 You believe 'socialists' and 'fascists' are the same thing;

 You get a hard-on every time you see an 'Occupier' protester being beaten by police;

 You think it's a darn sin and shame the way Tea Partiers are disrespected; 

You ARE a Tea Partier;

 You believe 'liberals' and 'socialists' are the same thing;

 You sincerely believe the United States is a 'Christian' nation;

 You believe bailing out corporations is good, but helping poor people is bad for them;

 You believe it's their own damned fault poor people can't afford health insurance;

 You believe government should be run as a business;

 You think 'tax cuts' and 'trickle-down economics' are the only economic policies the country needs; 

You believe 'Freedom of Religion' means freedom to practice Christianity only;

 You favor funding prisons over funding schools;

 You believe the best educations are gotten at home or religious private schools;

 You hold many strong opinions you can not explain;

 You proudly display a 'Buy American' bumper sticker on your Beemer;

 You think Rick Perry is a real Texas cowboy;

 You can justify Jesus as a welfare hating militaristic capitalist;

 You can physically hear, but are incapable of listening to opposing views;

 You believe the NRA defends constitutional rights and the ACLU are communist traitors;

 You can call yourself as a "ditto head" without a feeling of irony or shame;

 You believe the poor, and sick or hungry children don't exist if you can't see or hear them;

 You own more than one hand gun;

 You have an assault rifle in your closet;

 You have never noticed the physical resemblances between George W. Bush,  Howdy Doody, Coco the Monkey & Alfred E. Neuman;

 You think hate is an perfectly acceptable Christian virtue;

You believe Americans are God's chosen people - no matter what those damned jews claim;

 You actually believe invading another country doesn't create more hate and terrorists;

 You believe George W. Bush is a 'real Texan' who made it good all on his own;

 You believe welfare and tax breaks are OK for corporations because they 'create jobs';

 You believe corporations are 'people';

 You still wonder why Archie Bunker in the 'All In The Family' show was so funny to some people; 

You haven't had a library card since grade school;

 You think "shock and awe" is the greatest military strategy ever;

You celebrated when 'Mission Accomplished' was announced;

 You believe planning an invasion without an exit strategy is great military policy;

 You think all unemployment would disappear if only the minimum wage were lowered;

 You believe capitalism, Christianity and the Free Market can solve everything;

 You think separation of church and state is an assault on religious freedom;

 You don't believe in government regulations except for women, Democrats and dark-skinned people; 

You believe owning a .50 caliber assault weapon is a 'God-given right' guaranteed by the Constitution;

 You think letting your kids watch Sesame Street or Teletubbies can make them gay;

 You think requiring a driver's license is OK, but a gun permit is an infringement of your rights;

 You are a pro-lifer and a fervent champion of the death penalty simultaneously; 

You believe dark-skinned people don't have the same rights as white people;

 You can shamelessly pray to God for personal favors right after cheating on your spouse;

 You think Ted Nugent is a great American and actually makes good sense;

 You can use 'God', 'glory' and 'guns' in the same sentence;

 The most heroic persons you can think of are John Wayne and Chuck Norris;

 You sincerely believe the best way to bring "democracy and freedom" to another nation is to bomb the living bejesus out of them;

 You avoided all military service for yourself but loudly and proudly support 'our military';

 You believe your own fixed opinions constitute 'critical thinking';

 You are AGAINST teaching critical thinking in schools since it challenges students' fixed belief systems, and are glad the Texas GOP has actually stated that as official policy;

 You are totally convinced health care for all is a socialist scheme which will destroy the country;

 You think scaring the public with fake alarms is the best way to get their votes;

 You can believe in 'faith based initiatives' and keeping government out of churches' business at the same time;

 You can claim Larry Craig 'just had a wide stance' with a straight face;

 You sneer at Obama using a teleprompter, but ignored George W. Bush's gibberish even when he used one;

 The only blisters you ever had on your hands came from your tennis racket;

 You refuse to acknowledge Jesus was actually a long-haired, dark-skinned hippy type Jewish guy; 

You think flying a Chinese made American flag on your front porch makes you a patriot;

 You believe the more flags you can display, the more patriotic you are;

 You believe the GOP's first priority is to block any legislation introduced by Democrats, even if it is the exact same thing Republicans introduced themselves earlier;

 You believe 'defeating Obama' is far more important than the business of the nation;

 You are secretly envious and jealous of Bill Clinton's sex life;

 You believe Bill Clinton's sexual adventures almost destroyed democracy as we know it;

 You believe the Earth is 6,000 years old and anyone saying otherwise is 'attacking Christianity';

 You worry about your job being 'outsourced', yet vigorously support tax cuts for your company's CEO;

 You believe the 9/11 attacks on George W. Bush's watch were Clinton's fault;

 You are now convinced Dwight Eisenhower was really a 'RINO';

 You think Sarah Palin, George W. Bush and Dan Quayle are all very bright people who simply have trouble expressing themselves;

 You secretly think Sarah Palin makes George W. Bush look smart, but won't admit it;

 You believe patriots must always support their government 'right or wrong' unless a Democrat is in charge;

 You think marijuana users should all be jailed but Rush Limbaugh just made a completely understandable and unfortunate mistake by  taking drugs illegally;

 You sincerely believe 'God' is always on your side;

 The only Constitutional Amendments you actually know are the first two;

 You can not see the irony in ranting about 'communists' while your own party's official color is 'red'; 

You believe your right to 'free speech' is for everyone except your opposition;

 You believe repeating proven lies often enough will make them come true;

 You claim you love 'democracy', yet want to disenfranchise all liberals, dark-skinned people, Muslims, socialists and Democrats;

 You fantasize about getting it on with Saran Palin, Michelle Bachmann or Ann Coulter;

 You secretely fantasize about getting it on with Ted Haggard, Arnold Schwartzenegger or male strippers while trying to make love to your wife (or husband);

 You believe intensive education leads to snobbery and elitism and must be resisted;

 You think homosexuality is a choice which is spread by homosexuals;

 You sincerely believe prayer will 'cure' homosexuality;

 You support the National Rifle Association but demonize the National Education Association;

 You believe all undocumented persons should be rounded up and deported somewhere, even if born in this country - except your cook, gardner or nanny of course;

 You believe 'abstinence only' is better than sex education and condoms in preventing unwanted pregnancies;

 You think 'greed' is the most required and beneficial attribute in any capitalist society;

 You believe choosing a career not motivated by profit means you are communist;

 You call women who demand fair and equal treatment 'Feminazis';

 You believe the best way to help poor people is giving more money to rich people;

 You believe scientific textbooks must and should be edited by scientifically illiterate political hacks; 

You believe 'protecting freedom' is best done by thugs with automatic weapons and official badges; 

You believe voluntary pollutions standards work;

 You insist saving 1.5 million American  jobs with the GM and Chrysler bailouts is 'socialism';

 You consider those who disagree with you as treasonous liberal wienies, and communists;

 You think people should go to prison for smoking any vegetation besides tobacco;

 You get a hard-on watching NASCAR races, football, wrestling and boxing matches;

 You think military force should be the first tool used in international diplomacy;

 You think there is rampant voter fraud which can be cured by picture ID's;

 You insist there there is no voter fraud at the local level in GOP districts;

 You think eliminating welfare, Social Security, Medicaid and programs for the needy will return the country to prosperity;

 You cheered when Congress attacked NPR, Planned Parenthood and gay rights;

 You scream Obama is a 'Kenyan Tax and Spend Socialist' even while taxes are the lowest since 1950;

 You think money is the exact same thing as free speech;

 You say the Christian God protects 'the faithful', while ignoring most natural disasters seem to occur in the Bible Belt;

 You call Al Gore and Michael Moore 'fat traitors' but think Rush Limbaugh is a 'great patriot';

 You actually can listen to a complete Rush Limbaugh broadcast without barfing;

 You think corporations are 'people' but laws which put 'people' in jail don't apply to them;

 You aren't bothered that our nation's rich 'jobs creators' are creating all their jobs overseas;

 You believe that it is their damned own fault people are born into poverty, and it serves them right by God; 

You think the 95% of all scientists who warn of global warming are part of a vast, conspiracy;

 You think an "HMO" may be either a cable TV channel or a queer;

 You think trading with Cuba is treasonous, but trading with communist China or Vietnam is OK since it is 'free trade' and good for business;

 The support NO TAXES except poll taxs;

 You believe in 'states rights' except rights for women or gays;

 You believe the best way to save health care tax money is not provide health care;

 You think digging the hole deeper is the best way out of it;

 You have ever been 'born again';

 You think the ACLU is anti-American except for the times they defended Oliver North and Rush Limbaugh by mistake;

 You believe regulations for multi-national corporations are anti-American, communist inspired plots; 

You think that everything has really gone downhill in the country since 1900;

 You believe Saudi Arabians are our democratic freedom-loving friends in the Middle East;

 You believe Republican sex scandals are 'private matters' but scandals for all others must be fully exposed and publicized; 

You seriously insist the welfare of its people is not the business of government;

 'Progress' to you means returning to how things were 75 years ago;

 You believe ignoring the needs and welfare of its citizens is good for the country;

 You believe "Intelligent Design" can be proven through fossil records;

 You insist 'Creationism' be taught in school but evolution and climate change are 'junk science' and  must not be taught;

 You support eliminating sex education, birth control and abortions in the same breath;

 You think HMOs and insurance companies have the public's best interests at heart;

You believe Jesus hates queers, socialists, liberals and Democrats, and anyone else you don't like;

 You think George W. Bush deserves all the credit for hunting down and killing Osama Bin Ladin;

 You think Christian prayer in schools should be required, but nothing else, most especially no Muslim prayers;

 You think 'progressive' is a dirty word;

 You sincerely believe cutting taxes on rich people will increase tax revenues;

 You believe big corporations are motivated by compassion for people, ever;

 Reading the above makes you see 'red';

 You haven't laughed at any of the above!


  1. i should be offended by some of these posts, especially the bubba stuff but i'm not.i am from n.c. my politics are somewhere to the left, i love my lord satan, i support the legalization of all drugs, despise anything religious etc. i'm basically liberal in every way except 1. i had my job taken from me by mexicans & can't be convinced how that's right. wrapping up i did know 1 bubba but he died an alcohol related death. i know right? them crazy southerners! my mom actually calls me bubba as a term of endearment. guess i should mention that she's a pentecostal holy roller & raised me as such. that (and lsd) enabled me to see the truth. i'm not omnipotent but i do have the answer to einstein's ultimate question. but i'm not telling.

  2. Thanks Johnny -

    Yours is a very sweet comment indeed, and appreciate you honesty . . Would that everyone would be so!

    I too, was raised up in 'the church' but by the age of sixteen or so was very lucky to get in touch with reality. I learned religion is a very poor substitute for the wonders of 'what actually is'. I finally learned to relax and not be worried by the fears and dreads associated with religiosity and its strictures. I believe religion is fine - and necessary - for those who need that kind of help in coping with the uncertainties and anxieties of living. But once it becomes the ultimate controlling influence in a person's life it becomes dangerous indeed. Life is definitely a crap shoot and once a person can accept that, and learn to not worry about it, it is amazing how freeing it is to let the ties of religion go.

    The fact is religion, of one flavor or another has also created more grief, death and destruction than any other single issue on earth. I was raised partly in the south too, and in many ways southerners are my people too. I have nothing against 'Bubbas' so long as they are honest, real and have shed most of the baggage connected with our unfortunate homelands. The trouble is, most have not, are saddled with the blankets of racism, religiosity and regional prejudices and so often the target of ridicule, hence the subject of this blog story.

    And, I'm glad you have found the answer


You may post anything you wish in comments. I guarantee all will be read. But, due to personal attacks and deliberate flaming, I will not agree to publish all comments.