Bullshit Translator

I’ve recently purchased a digital, high-tech bullshit translator. I put it to work for the first time on some statements made today and was amazed at the results. Have a look:

BULLSHIT STATEMENT:
"I take responsibility" for failures in dealing with Hurricane Katrina”
-GW Bush, 9/13/05

TRANSLATION:
“It will be the first time in my life I’ve ever accepted responsibility for anything, so it’s all new to me. That’s why it’s taken me nearly two weeks to step up to the plate on this one.”


BULLSHIT STATEMENT:
"Katrina exposed serious problems in our response capability at all levels of government"
- GW Bush, 9/13/05

TRANSLATION:
“It’s pretty God-damned obvious to the whole world that we were in no way prepared, but we sure as shit are gonna blame this problem on anyone else we can. Turd Blossom is staying up late nights working to make this happen right now.”


BULLSHIT STATEMENT:
"To the extent the federal government didn't fully do its job right, I take responsibility,"
- GW Bush, 9/13/05

TRANSLATION:
“Turd Blossom is gonna spin this so there’s NO EXTENT to which my administration didn’t do their jobs - so, I WON’T BE responsible at all. TB’s a master at that stuff you know.”


BULLSHIT STATEMENT:
"Are we capable of dealing with a severe attack? That's a very important question and it's in the national interest that we find out what went on so we can better respond,"
- GW Bush, 9/13/05

TRANSLATION:
“How the &*$#@&&* should I know?”


BULLSHIT STATEMENT:
"I'm not going to defend the process going in, I am going to defend the people saving lives."
-GW Bush, 9/13/05

TRANSLATION:
"What’s to defend? It’s not like we actually went in until a week later, and then weak as a tubercular whore. Anyway, who gives a damn about a bunch of blacks and obvious Democrats?”


BULLSHIT STATEMENT:
"I want people in America to understand how hard people worked to save lives down there"
-GW Bush, 9/13/05

TRANSLATION:
"Heh, heh. Yeah, but nobody in my administration! That’s for God-damned sure!”


BULLSHIT STATEMENT:
"We're going to get those people out of the shelters, and we're going to move and get them the help they need."
- R David Paulison, the new acting director of FEMA

TRANSLATION:
“Those black bastards are costing us an arm and a leg. Christ, we’ve had to give ‘em $2000 apiece already and nobody knows where this will end.”


BULLSHIT STATEMENT:
"The world is not going to stop moving because we are very focused on Katrina,"
- Michael Chertoff, Homeland Security Director

TRANSLATION:
"The whole world is so focused on Katrina we’re having absolutely no problem getting Halliburton positioned to profit big time with a whole shitpot full of sweet, no-bid contract deals. There oughta be kickbacks enough to go all around!"

BULLSHIT STATEMENT:
"President Bush thanked me for coming on board and promised I would have the full support of the federal government"
- R David Paulison, the new acting director of FEMA

TRANSLATION:
“Dubya and Dick Cheney are each gonna give me some more fellatio tonight - I just have to promise to pull their cookies out of this fire on this one. Hot damn!”


BULLSHIT STATEMENT:
"I’m very busy getting brought up to speed."
- R David Paulison, the new acting director of FEMA

TRANSLATION:
“I’ve very busy getting all my orders straight from Dick Cheney and Halliburton”


BULLSHIT STATEMENT:
"And then ultimately at the end of the day, we have to reconstitute the communities that have been devastated,"
- Michael Chertoff, Homeland Security Director

TRANSLATION:
“Make that “re-constipate” - this fiasco has sure given me the shits and devastated my public-tit sucking ass!”


BULLSHIT STATEMENT:
"The federal government can't drive permanent solutions down the throats of state and local officials. I don't think anyone should envision a situation in which they're going to take a back seat. They're going to take a front seat,"
- Michael Chertoff, Homeland Security Director

TRANSLATION:
“But, we can sure blame the living hell out of them, and if the bastards are Democrats, we’ll make damned sure they’re gonna get the fricking ‘Hot Seat’ !”

BULLSHIT STATEMENT:
"We want to get aid to people who need it quickly, but we also don't want to lose sight of the importance of preserving the integrity of the process and our responsibility as stewards of the public money,"
- Michael Chertoff, Homeland Security Director

TRANSLATION:
“We’ve not spending one damned red cent on those poor bastards more than we are absolutely forced to.”


BULLSHIT STATEMENT:
"We're going to cut through red tape, but we're not going to cut through laws and rules that govern ethics."
- Michael Chertoff, Homeland Security Director

TRANSLATION:
“Ethics, shmethics. Red tape won’t even be on the radar screeen for Halliburton and folks like them - and we’ll go on ignoring those picky laws and ethics if they bcome a problem for us - just like we’ve always done since we took office.”

BULLSHIT STATEMENT:
"We've got to the point where most if not all of the search and rescue is completed. Some helicopters can undoubtedly be moved out over the period ahead."
- Donald Rumsfeld, US Secretary fof Defense

TRANSLATION:
“Anybody left there now is welcome to go ahead and die. We gotta get those choppers back to Iraq. God-damn! There goes my secure line cell phone again! Gotta go. I’m the freaking defense secretary in TIME OF WAR by God!”


BULLSHIT STATEMENT:
“We aren’t finding very many sick or diseased people in the area.”
-US Centers for Disease Control

TRANSLATION:
“The only ones who are left are pretty much all fricking dead by now!”