Mormonry and Lots of Wives

Mormonry has been much in the news of late with the raiding of the Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints (FLDS) compound near Eldorado, Texas. Being a Mormon and having lot's of young wives seems it might be a pretty good deal for a lusty guy, right? Outside the fact that sometimes ONE wife is too much for some folks, there is more than one way to look at this . . .

Just in case you are a guy, and figure it would be pretty cool to have a whole bunch of young wives, you may want to rethink that. In order for there to be a large enough supply of girls to turn into multiple wives for the lone male FLDS'ers, MOST of the young men must be, and are excommunicated and expelled from the cult at puberty: FLDS Logistics

So, not only do they not get even ONE Mormon wife, they are also damned to Hell for eternity! For once you are expelled from the Mormon church, you are guaranteed to go to eternal damnation. What kind of deal is that?

Brigham Young himself, in the words of Bernard De Voto of Ogden, Utah, "conquered the wilderness and, neighboring with the coyote, brought forth a state (Utah). And so on - - the recital is familiar. Yet he did all this without humor and without imagination - - did it with poverty-stricken realism, and above all, with an intangible smugness, a bucolic megalomania, a self-righteousness which assured him that the Lord God Jehovah, whose hinder parts Moses and Joseph Smith had seen, watched over all his business and made them sound."

In fact, generally there does not seem to be much fun in being a Mormon, most of whom regard levity as a sin against the Holy Ghost. Of Mormons in general, De Voto said, "And then, a man who can believe in the pathological god of Joseph Smith and who must worship him after the mercantile manner of Brigham Young, such a man has little understanding of beauty or refinement and no patience with them. They do not pay."

"The Man of God, Son of Thunder"

I think my favorite Mormon story is about Brigham Young's murderous emissary and enforcer, Orrin Porter Rockwell, AKA 'the Destroying Angel of Mormondom', reputed to have killed over 100 persons, mostly 'in the name of the Lord'. Rockwell once said 'I never killed anybody who didn't need killing'.

An ordained Mormon Elder, Rockwell believed - or at least publicly claimed - that his union suit underwear (fundamentalist Mormons are commanded to wear long underwear, every day of the year) 'would turn bullets' because it was blessed by Brigham Young himself.

One day, a pint-sized, but very drunk Irishman named Flannigan accosted Rockwell in the street and asked him, 'Are ye Port' Rockwell?"

When Rockwell allowed as how he was, Flannigan replied, ''Well then by God, ye are the man whose underwear will turn bullets, and I've been called by God to put it to the proof! 'Tis a revelation ye understand, so to speak according to Mormon."

Whereupon Flannigan produced a large pistol and stuck it in Rockwell's mouth, thereby immediately inducing him to begin proclaiming many and varied obscenities concerning Brigham Young's person and ancestry at Flannigan's persuasive insistence and urging. Alas, Rockwell did not seem to have the total and complete confidence in the protective underwear to actually put it to the test for the ten minutes of so of his very public ordeal. So much for the "Man of God, Son of thunder' as Rockwell was often called by other Mormons.

The Fancy Barouche

Another story which is illustrative I believe, concerns Brigham Young's fancy barouche. Ol' Brigham in his high haughtiness had a fancy carriage built back east - a 'barouche' it was called - and shipped to him in Salt Lake City. Young, regally nodding to his worshipers, loved to parade around town in this splendid equippage, marked with the carved & gilded, all-seeing Mormon eye on one side and the Beehive of Deseret on the other.

'Gentile Kate' (Mormons call Christians 'gentiles') - was a brothel owner and the Madame Supreme of Salt Lake City, whose uncompromising credo was 'Never lend money to a Mormon'. Kate ran a large and successful bordello in Salt Lake City and was well-known for her generosity to the downtrodden, often lending money (at interest) to her clients and others.

A disaffected Mormon ex-plural wife wrote a sensational autobiography accusing Young himself of running a 'percentage Hoar house' and devising a plot to trap Kate purportedly to stifle competition. This was never proven, but what is known and recorded is that Kate successfully sued Young for $150,000 and claimed his personal property to settle the debt.


A typical barouche.


After the obese Prophet Brigham Young ate himself to death, his personal effects were auctioned off. The day after Young died, Kate herself appeared haughtily rolling through the streets in old boy's barouche, sans the carvings. This of course outraged the saintly Mormons - but it certainly must have been very satisfying for Kate!

No matter who you are, you must admire this woman's chutzpah if not her orneriness.

Mormonism & me?

Me? I think I'm gonna stick with the Easter Bunny . . . .