Saturday, March 21, 2009

A List of George Bush's Major Accomplishments:

Defending against universal accusations that the George W. Bush presidencies were the biggest presidential failures of all times, the Republican National Committee has mounted a campaign to prove otherwise. Republican bloggers have published lists of what are perceived as some of Bush's greatest presidential accomplishments. They also maintain there are hundreds, if not thousands of other, lesser known successes as yet unpublished, he can lay claim to:

Here are some of President Bush's major *successes; Bush has:

  • Saved Federal tax dollars by mandating the No Child Left Behind Act - then refusing to fund it, thereby passing costs on to states;

  • Introduced much needed humor and levity into solemn meetings between international leaders;

  • Introduced tension-lessening joking, bra-snapping, goosing, and general sophomoric smart-alecky wackiness and silliness;

  • Indulged a lifelong passion for playing stupid tricks insulting to others, thereby improving relationships between people;

  • Reduced costs for the US military through accelerated attrition in battle on two fronts;

  • Introduced many unknown new types of food, and more profits for corporations by eliminating controls on untested, genetically engineered crops;

  • Reduced threat of ugly international lawsuits by getting the US completely out of the United Nations Human Rights Commission;

  • Set a new world record for largest change in a national budget ever, anytime, anywhere;
  • Established new policies for controlling AIDS in Africa and other impoverished regions by eliminating funding for birth control to provide a greater supply of people for infection, thereby allowing nature to handle the problem;
  • For the first time in history got a real handle on population control in Iraq and Afghanistan;
  • Opened up logging operations on Federal lands by eliminated the need for Environmental Impact Statements;
  • Boosted corporate profitability through the introduction of the best corporate welfare programs in the history of the world;

  • Raised sarcasm to new and stratospheric heights with words such as, 'You're doing a heckuva job Brownie'.

  • Declared coal as 'clean' by fiat, thereby opening up and reintroducing 19th century technology for US energy needs;

  • Kept thousands of very rich people off welfare roles by providing them the largest dollar-value tax cut in world history;

  • Enormously reduced US energy usage by getting the price of gasoline up two and a half times over any other time in history;

  • Eliminated legal threats for impacted species by gutting the Endangered Species Act;

  • Eliminated foreign threats to American criminals by getting the US thrown completely out of the International Criminal Court;

  • Increased corporate profitability and efficiency while simultaneously helping third-world economies by outsourcing millions of US jobs overseas;
  • Completely turned around an inherited US economy by setting a new world record for biggest value change in stock market in history;
  • Finally got Christ in government where he belongs, with 'faith-based initiatives';

  • Improved Republican image with gay and lesbian constituencies by demonstrating loving, personal familiarity with people like Saudi Prince Abdullah;

  • Introduced thousands of previously unknown words to the English language;
  • Re-established torture as a useful and viable official US governmental policy;

  • Officially returned the Christian God to the White House by requiring morning prayers of all staffers;

  • Saved billions of tax dollars by cutting programs for poor, children and needy;

  • Increased corporate bottom line profits by limiting lawsuits and placing a cap on judgements against corporations;

  • Removed barriers between church and state by permitting faith-based Christian groups to maintain their religious hiring prejudices while using government funds;
  • Used the simple tactics of bombing countries flat, murder, official torture, invasion, shock and awe, to bring US style freedom and democracy to two middle eastern nations for the first time in history;
  • Indirectly increased private employment in welfare, public service, homeless, battered women and other non-governmental and volunteer groups;

  • Forced a disrespectful reporter to throw away his own shoes, and indirectly established a new shoe-throwing tradition around the world;

  • Opened up potential of development of millions of acres of new farming regions in the high arctic by getting the US out of the regressive Kyoto Global Warming Treaty;
  • Reduced fire danger in US National forests & Federal lands by cutting zillions of dangerously menacing trees;

  • Ended a severe and persistent drought in New Orleans;

  • Proved once and for all the total elimination of all Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq;
  • Proved once and for all, the total elimination of all nuclear enrichment programs in Iraq;
  • Passed new laws to keep down the number of highly educated and skilled people from coming to the US in order to provide more jobs for our own less intellectual people;
  • Saved billions of tax dollars by cutting over 40 Federal educational programs;
  • Improved moral in the US armed forces by making them take more personal responsibility by the simple method of cutting veterans' benefits across the board;
  • Used tactics of doing the exact opposite to illustrate and reinforce concepts of HONOR and DIGNITY in the White House.

  • Established new standards for reading upside down;

And, the list goes on . . .

* But, there is one major Bush accomplishment which outshines all the others by far: President Bush has, almost single-handedly, managed to completely destroy the Republican Party - and perhaps for all time.

In case you think this list is inaccurate, or perhaps even non-existent, here are some sources:


  1. marit londeaux1:19 PM

    I was doing research for a college paper and was hoping to get some real information but instead I got some jokester's ranting and raving. Oh, and by the way, I know your "opinion piece" was written in 2009 but your assertion that President Bush single-handedly destroyed the Republican party was completely wrong. According to our last election, the Republican party is stronger than ever. Now, excuse me while I go look for more pertinent information.

  2. I have no idea your age, only assuming as a college student you may be very young - perhaps too young to recall the embarrassment and national disgrace represented by George W. Bush & company - still a laughing stock today although thankfully, receding in memory. And, your choice of research subject indicates you are likely a College Republican heavily influenced by right wing propaganda from sources the likes of Glenn Beck and Ann Coulter. If that is so, more is the pity and I am very sad for you.

    However, as the jokester doing all that ‘ranting and raving’ allow me to observe my listing of GW Bush’s major accomplishments is 100% accurate, though my version was made sarcastically. And although never formally a member of the Republican Party I used to always consider myself as Republican. During his two terms, Mr. Bush and his neo-conservative partners completely and forever thoroughly disabused me of that preference.

    The Republican Party I once knew is now DEAD and does not resemble the former group at all. The party which once carried the proud and progressive values of Abraham Lincoln is no more, having flip-flopped 180 degrees. And ironically, the neo-conservative successors to the party are now themselves being systematically erased by the new Tea Party movement - and all to the better in my opinion. I don’t believe the so-called Tea Party itself is sustainable for long either. That said, I sincerely believe we must retain at least two viable political parties in this country since any single party system always and invariably descends into corruption. Therefore, it is my fond hope a viable Republican Party, or something similar with values more aligned with the moderate majority of our country may somehow remain alive. The ones calling themselves ‘Republican’ today are busily rushing so far to the radical right they are nearing the edge of the cliff to political oblivion.

    Sad, Really.


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