The US Army Pig Wars

US Army Makes War on Pigs - Enlists 'Pig Czar'

Columbus, Georgia (Ft. Benning): You might expect to find a few pigs in a US Army post named for a Confederate general. They are found many other places too, like Big Business, Congress and broadcast journalism. Now, the army at Ft. Benning has officially acknowledged the growing problem and is doing something about it. Major 'Bobby' Toon, who instructs in a 'Maneuver Captains Career Course', is also considered the unofficial 'Pig Czar' at the post.


The huge post is a training ground for many infantry and other military specialties and home to the controversial 'School of the Americas'. SOA trains officers from central and south American countries who often go home to take over their own governments through mayhem and murder. Detractors sometimes call it the 'School of the Assassins'.

Due to so much controversy, SOA today hides behind the more innocuous name of 'Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation'.

Manuel Noriega of Panama is one esteemed graduate of SOA, and a fine example of a pig if there ever was one. Noriega, formerly also a major CIA asset, is currently serving a federal sentence in Miami, Florida for displeasing his CIA handlers in the US over proceeds in the drug trade and other unforgivable insults.

But no, Noriega is not the kind of pig Ft. Benning is worried about. The army says the base is overrun by feral pigs - domestic livestock gone wild as it were. The army offered a $40 bounty for every pig tail brought in. Major Toon himself killed 68 of the feral pigs in 2007, earning himself a tidy $2,720 if he were paid for each one.

"You might say I named my own Toon and sang it myself." says the Major with a wry grin. "And, I always got a piece of tail to go along with it! You can really get off on nailing pigs you know. Every time I get one of the big, fat bastards in my sights I imagine it's Karl Rove's or Rush Limbaugh's floppy pig jowls or big, fat asses I'm seeing . . ."

The army's pig program, while having some success on the base, hasn't affected pigdom in the civilian world at all. "Hell, there were even more of those fat bastards around than ever under the Bush administration." claimed Toon in early 2008.

"No, wait, wait. Forget that. I didn't say any of those things!" said Toon.

Editor's Note: No Animals, Politicians, Radio Commentators, CEO's, Corrupt Bastards or other pigs were hurt in the preparation of this story.