A Tea Party Jesus

I met a representative of Jesus the other day. That's what he told me.

He didn't seem a lot like the real Jesus, the one who was reportedly nailed to a cross over two millennia ago, then buried in a cave, then, if you believe in the legend, was raised from the dead to become the savior of Christian souls. No, this guy told me he was a retired tire vulcanizer from Cincinnati, Ohio. He carried a flag with a cross on it which had the words * 'Time to Reload' written on it. I found him at a Tea Party rally wearing a pair of camouflage pants and a baseball cap with the words, “NRA” boldly emblazoned in gold on the front.

I approached him for an interview. This guy was white, had a fair sized pot belly and was seriously going bald, both of which he tried to hide. He unsuccessfully tried to suck in his gut when I approached and his baldness wasn't evident until his flag accidentally brushed his cap off his head. He assured me he was 'standing up for Jesus' and was doing Jesus' work on Earth. He said was one of the faithful working to save our nation. I believed him.

“And, I'm taking my country back!” he informed me defiantly.

“From where and whom?” I wondered, puzzled.

“From the communists, and illegal immigrants and queers and liberals of course!” he said. “Them and their puppet Obama have just about destroyed the country. Just look at how deep in debt they have us now!”

“They have?” I asked.

“Damned right! And now, they're gonna raise taxes on everybody!” he replied.

“They are?” I asked. “I thought they were going to just let the tax cut for the rich expire. And, I thought the economy went sour while Bush was still in charge.”

“They are going to raise taxes on everybody making over $250,000 a year!” He spurted. “And everybody knows the Democrats ran the economy in the ditch the last year of Bush's term!”

“So, how will this affect you?” I asked. “Will your taxes go up because you make over $250,000 a year?”

“It's not me I'm talking about!” he protested. “If you tax the rich, then they won't have money to invest! That's the core principle of trickle down economics. Rush Limbaugh is always talking about that.”

“Well, it's not actually a tax increase.” I explained. “It's just letting Bush's tax cut expire. The tax rate will simply go back to where it was under Clinton – when we didn't have anything trickling down and things were booming right along nicely. We also had a big budget surplus back then too, or didn't you notice?”

“Nope. I was too busy making a living, and waiting for the shoe to drop.” he said.

“What shoe?” I asked.

“The economic shoe, dummy! What just happened!”

“But the economy went south two years ago under George W. Bush.” I pointed out mildly.

He snorted, “Are you nuts? It was Clinton's policies and the liberal Democrats in Congress who ambushed Bush and deliberately trashed the economy just to make him look bad. Rush Limbaugh has explained it on his radio show many, many times. Everybody knows that . . ”

“They do?”

“Hell yeah! Where you been, sleeping under a rock or something?” he retorted. “You must be part of that drive by media Rush is always talking about.”

There was no real answer to that so I just let it go.

“So, you think Jesus wants you to take our country back with guns?” I asked to change the subject.

“Damned right!” he retorted. “Just like we took it back from the British in the first place! It's about time to water the tree of liberty with blood, and * it's time to get liberals in the cross hairs!”

I said, “That doesn't sound much like the Jesus I learned about in Sunday School. That Jesus was supposed to be a man of peace and always tried to promote peace the way I remember it.”

He snorted, “Yeah, well if Jesus was on Earth today, he'd be out here with me. He doesn't intend for us to put us with communists and socialists or queers which are an abomination to his name. Jesus would have his guns loaded and locked, ready to defend our country against them like all patriots. I know that for a fact!”

“You do? I asked. “How?”

“Yep! All good Christians know that.”

“I take it you consider yourself a good Christian then.” I said. “Which church do you go to?”

“I'm a Jehovah's Witness.” he answered. “We're perfected Christians and my pastor says Jesus is real upset the way things are going and it's past time for Christians to set things straight. That's why I'm here today. If we can't straighten things out by electing the right people, we might need to take direct action.”

I asked, “Do you mean take up arms?”

“Hell, yeah!” he responded. “A lot of us Christians are locked and loaded and ready to go.”

“You do know armed insurrection against the government is illegal don't you?” I asked. “That if you take up guns to in defiance of law you could go to jail?”

“We don't pay attention to any laws that ain't the law of God.' he retorted. “God and Jesus guide us every step of the way, and I'm here to bear witness to that!”

I though it impolitic and would not serve any real purpose to point out that was exactly the way the Taliban justifies their terrorism. The only difference being nomenclature – Allah instead of Jesus.

I came away from the interview thinking if things keep going along the same way, this guy would probably need to enter the Jehovah Witness Protection Program someday.

* actual quotes by Sarah Palin

How to Tell If You May Be a Tea Party Whacko

Lately I’ve been troubled about how to define the Tea Party people.  They seem to come from all over the map. It is claimed some are Democrats (Polls show 5%).  A very many are conservative Republicans, and Libertarians to be sure, and many seem to come from radicalized fringe groups like militias and white supremacists.

From the hodgepodge of misspelled and mis-punctuated signs they like to wave about, it is fairly obvious many Tea Partiers are borderline illiterates.  Some seem to be way over the border in fact. And, many Tea Partiers seem to be otherwise normal people who have been mobilized from the complacent, self-satisfied comfort of their sofas and arm chairs to attend the meetings.   There they worship their intellectually challenged heros like Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin who are the ones who mobilized them in the first place.

After a good bit of though I have discerned many commonalities which help describe the disparate group of people who call themselves Tea Partiers.   It was simply a matter of sitting down and giving the issue sufficient thought.  I am sharing my conclusions with everyone in the hopes it will help those who may suspect they may be whackos themselves to draw their own conclusions.  Shown below is my ‘calculator’ which will help you decide.  Simply enter an ‘X’ or checkmark in the boxes for the characteristics which describe you, then total the number of marks you make.  A convenient scoring index at the bottom will help you decide for sure:

(Double-click on the chart below to expand)

*A Modern American Tea Party

John McCain called me last night.  “There’s gonna be a Tea Party tomorrow.  Six O’Clock.” he said.  “And by the way, I don’t know how everyone got the idea, but I AM NOT ANY DAMNED MAVERICK!  Just because I wrote that damned book with the sub-title, The Education of an American Maverick doesn’t mean I am one!  Who’d a ever thunk?”.

“But never mind all that.  The party is at Newt Gingrich’s place over on Denial Road.  Newt is going as March Hare, bless his old, retrograde soul. I need to warn you too, Glenn Beck will be there, and he’s mad as a hatter.  He even calls himself ‘the Hatter’ like he’s proud of it, and goes around bragging about his ‘tea partying’.   When he’s not crying that is. On the other hand the White Queen Sarah Palin will be there too, which should make up for the Hatter, even it gets pretty tiring hearing all her bragging about how she really IS a maverick.  God, what an impossible woman!”

But hard as I tried, I still got to the party two hours late.

“Oh, no matter,” said the Hatter at the door.  “It’s six o’clock here on Denial Road.”

I looked at the clock over the mantel and sure enough it read six o’clock.  “How ever can that be?” I wondered out loud. 

“Oh, me’n old Newt, and Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter and Pat Robertson and a whole bunch of other red necks keep trying to turn the clock back.” said Hatter. “Turns out that’s really hard and unconstitutional and all, but we have managed to stop the damned thing.  Would you like some tea?”

He held out a cup, but the moment I reached for it he threw it over his left shoulder and laughed like a banshee.

“You can’t sit there!” he screamed as I nervously moved towards a chair. “That’s a true patriot’s chair!  And you’re not a true patriot even if you did serve our country and I never did. I had good, compelling, patriotic reasons and decided to serve in other ways.  Besides, it paid one helluva lots better.  But, not to change the subject, answer me this. “Why is a raven like a writing desk?"

Bewildered, and beginning to feel a bit uneasy, I said, “Well, I’m sure I don’t know. . . . because Poe wrote on both?”

“I didn’t think you’d know!” he cried as he broke into large, wet tears and slobber ran freely down his chin.  “Please God! Anybody got any Oxycotin?  Hard liquor? Oh, God,  I didn’t think so!  That socialist Obama is going to have a death panel decapitate me!  I have it on indisputable authority! And his health care plan is going to save so much money it will wreck the economy!  Look how many insurance company CEO’s it will put on the street.  Oh woe is us, oh woe is us!”

“But, you’re not in the insurance business.” I felt I should point out.

“Not so!  Not so!” he screamed.  “I’m on the payroll of over 27 insurance companies.  Not officially of course, but like they take really good care of real and true patriots like me.”

I started to ease towards the door, but the White Queen appeared on the scene before I could get through.  Hatter screamed in ecstasy.  “Sarah!  Sarah!  Thank God you’re here to stand up for patriotic Americans! You’re the only thing standing between us and the Russians!”

“Praise the Lord,  and lock and load, you betcha!” smiled Sarah.  “Anybody seen my lipstick?  Gotta reload you know.”

I noticed the Queen’s crown was a little crooked and gently mentioned it to her.

“Not a problem.  When you’ve got the Lord on your side, nothing is ever really out of kilter.’ she said.  “But, even if it is you can pray it away.  You can pretty much do as you like.  Rational doesn’t matter.  In fact, reality doesn’t even need to compute for a true Christian like me, praise the Lord!”

I heard a loud ‘amen’ from Pat Robertson across the room.  But the White Queen whispered, “Pay him no mind.  No matter what he claims, I know he hasn’t been perfected yet.  I’ve had the demons cast out of me, and he never has.”

“But, aren’t you two on the same page?” I asked.

“Oh yes, we both do the Lord’s work.” she replied. “And so far it’s been paying pretty well for both of us.  But, Pat’s in the actual God business, and I only get him to help me out when I need him.  The Lord’s mighty helpful in politics these days you know.  Anyway, Pat is a has been.  I’m the here and now.  In fact, I’m the future! But, enough about me.  Who are you anyway?”

I looked at the floor for a moment and said,  “I'm just your average, normal everyday American.”

“Oh, you mean like Joe Six-Pack and Joe the Plumber?” she smiled.

“Not exactly.” I said. “Actually, I read and pay attention to things around me.  Also, I speak pretty good English and and can spell actual words and really respect education, sobriety, calmness, deliberation, thoughtfulness and common sense.”

The Queen sniffed.  “Oh, those things!  Not that important.  Just look at me!  Guys like Joe Six-pack are just the salt of the earth, or at least the salt of the good old US of A.  Those guys are the ‘real America’.  And, they’re so, so easy to control.  They’re the heart of the Tea Party movement you know.  They believe absolutely everything we feed them - especially if I wiggle my ass a little and give ‘em a cutesy smile, silly putzes!  You can’t go wrong with a gun either.  They eat that crap up.  That’s why I love those words like ‘reload’ and ‘don’t tread on me’.  Keeps me in the public eye you know, and that’s the main thing.”

The party didn’t last long and there weren’t that many there altogether.  I said my good byes as politely as I could and eased away.  I don’t think I will go to another one.

*This is an imaginary, spoof story, with all kinds of intended resemblance to the real thing.

Profoundly Stupid Statements

I am bereft.  Maybe it was the holidays and people were focused on other things.  But, I am feeling so starved lately for Profoundly Stupid Statements.  Since the change of administrations a year ago there has been a real drought of really, Profoundly Stupid Statements.  I think we all got spoiled by the absolute surfeit of Profoundly Stupid Statements during the last decade until this year.

Oh sure, we’ve had quite a few since Obama went in office coming from the so-called ‘Conservative’ faction.  Statements about Death Panels, statements comparing a national health care plan to the Nazi Third Reich and such like.  But nothing like what went on before during the Bush years.

 And, who can forget GW Bush’s absolute treasure trove of such things as:


"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions.  I can't answer your question.", or,

“ . . .I don't know that atheists should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God.”

(That one sort of reminds me former governor “Ma” Ferguson of Texas saying many years ago,  “If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, then it's good enough for Texas.” )

And then, so much came from Bush’s staff, like White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer’s:

“It's incumbent on those who believe Iraq has no weapons of mass destruction to come forward and tell us where they are.”

And, from his Attorney General john Ashcroft:  “I feel the best way to ensure Americans' freedom is to tighten restrictions on that freedom in any way possible. Only through wiretaps, illegal searches and seizures, unfettered government intrusion, a controlled media and a complete crackdown on free speech can we ensure the liberties of all people." 

And, from Bush's FEMA director Michael Brown  after Hurricane Katrina:  "Considering the dire circumstances that we have in New Orleans, virtually a city that has been destroyed, things are going relatively well." 

Of course Brown then received his deserved congratulations from President Bush at the time:  “You’re doing a heckuva job Brownie!”


(Maybe I'm making the rash assumption here that Bush was referring to the thorough brown-nosing job he was getting from Brownie.)

Dubya’s mother, not to be left out, when asked if she ever thought about the dead American soldiers returning home from Iraq replied sweetly:  "why should I waste my beautiful mind on that?" 

Maybe it’s a family thing because coming from his father before him was the delightful: “The Democrats just want to ram it down my ear with a victory!”

Sarah Palin all on her lonesome seems to be trying to file the void - with a bit of help from others.  One of my favorite Sarah Palin claims is her theory the “In God We Trust” motto (completely unconstitutional by the by) being moved to the edges of coins is a conspiracy by the Obama administration. In fact, the decision was made in 2007 under Bush and later reversed by Congress.  And who can ever forget Palin's claim about reading newspapers to Katie Couric: "All of 'em, any of 'em that have been in front of me over all these years."


You betcha!

And I loved it when asked about her duties of Vice President she answered,  "As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?" 

Equally priceless is Palin’s remark made when resigning as governor of Alaska (quitting):  "It may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand: 'Sit down and shut up,' but that's the worthless, easy path; that's a quitter's way out."

Congress often got into the Profoundly Stupid Statement act as well:

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN):  "I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out under another, then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence."

Sen. Orrin Hatch, (R-UT): “Capital punishment is our way of demonstrating the sanctity of life.”

Former Sen. Larry Craig, (R-ID):  "I have a wide stance." (After being caught soliciting gay sex in the men’s room at the airport)

Former Sen. Rick Santorum, (R-PA): “ Isn't that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending marriage?"

Former Sen. Ted Stevens, (R-AK): "And again, the Internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a big truck. It's a series of tubes. "

Former Sen. Tom Delay, (R-TX), When told to stop smoking his cigar in a restaurant due to federal regulations:  "I AM the federal government."   Delay also once remarked:  "Guns have little or nothing to do with juvenile violence. The causes of youth violence are working parents who put their kids into daycare, the teaching of evolution in the schools, and working mothers who take birth control pills."

Former Governor Wally Hickel, (I-AK):  “You just can’t let nature run wild”

Former  U.S. Rep. Richard H. Baker (R-LA) after Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans: “We finally cleaned up public housing in New Orleans. We couldn't do it, but God did.”

Rep. Mary Bono Mack, (R-CA):  “This Iraqi thing will blow over”

Of course other governors besides Sarah Palin got into the act:

California’s Arnold Schwarzenegger:  "I like the color red because it's a fire. And I see myself as always being on fire.”, and,  “ I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman"

There was SC Governor Mark Sanford’s email to his Argentinian lover made public:  "I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificent gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curve of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of the night's light - but hey, that would be going into sexual details…”,

And Sanford’s remark when the details of his illicit affair became public knowledge :  This is "very damaging stuff"  (Who’d have ever thunk it?)

Even the Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele gets going:  “We need to uptick our image with everyone, including one-armed midgets."

Not to be left out, political commentators can not be stopped:

Rush Limbaugh claimed Mark Sanford would "not have had an illicit affair if his state had not been forced to take  stimulus money by the Obama Administration."  Rush claimed a depressed Sanford simply said “To hell with this!” and engaged in his affair after losing spirit.  I'm assuming he did this with a straight face.

Ann Coulter was quite succinct in saying:  "My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times Building." 

Hey, you just can’t make this stuff up!   I guess it may all just be part of a tradition going back many years:


“I’m the only person of distinction who has ever had a depression named for him.” ~  Republican President Herbert Hoover as the 'Great Depression' took hold.

For reasons of space, I am of course leaving out the Dan Quayle years here. There's a whole book in that guy in himself. But, unfortunately the eight years of GW Bush allowed him to push Quayle into second place.

And, sadly for we aficionados of Profoundly Stupid Statements, it looks like we’re going to be getting by on a bare minimum for a while.

The 'Soul' of the Republican Party

In other posts I have mentioned the seemingly inexorable trend towards the destruction of the Republican Party.  I have said it almost seems like some evil plot by enemies of the party.  Perhaps that is so,  but I can not find any real evidence of  that.

Instead, it seems more like some ugly political suicide at the behest of the neoconservative far-right wing of the party, holding a gun on everyone else in the party.  The neoconservatives' implacably insist on their own brands of perverted dogma, 'nothing else, and nothing less, so help us God'.   The result is a radical shift far right which other factions of the party seem powerless to resist.   Core values and principles are abandoned wholesale and left bleeding by the side of the road.  Whenever any group so abdicates its core principles and its abrogates values to the prejudices of lowest common denominators, how can you not expect damage or destruction of the party? 

Many neoconservatives believe and say the 'soul of the Republican Party' today is represented by, among others,   popular talk show personalities Sean Hannity,  Bill O'Reilly,  Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh.  These figures broadcast through either Fox News or Clear Channel Communications, and often both.  Three of them (Hannity, O'Reilly, Beck) are catholic, or ex-Catholic in the case of Beck who has now converted to Mormonism.   I mention this because it seems to a trait among Catholics towards strictness and obedience to 'doctrinal truths'.  Extreme examples are the infamous 'inquisitions' during Medieval times in the 13th centry and the Roman, Spanish and Portugeuse inquisitions supremacy during the 16th century.

Between the four of them, Beck, Hannity, Limbaugh and O'Reilly, only one finished college (O'Reilly) with the others having dropped out early in their 'educational careers'.  At least two are or have been confirmed drug addicts (Beck, Limbaugh).   Beck has been accused of rape.  O'Reilly has been sued for sexual harrasment with the suit being settled out of court, reportedly for millions of dollars.

These people freely and deliberately engage in outrageous claims and flaming rhetoric, the more outrageous and sensational the better.  This seems hugely attractive to the lower educated classes in the country, many of whom accept their claims as gospel while disregarding realities.  There are strong anti-elite, anti-intellectual and anti-progressive currents running through all their broadcasts.  Due to their popularity among the rank and file who call themselves conservatives, Beck and Limbaugh are now the most highly paid people in broadcast media today, with a following of millions of Americans.

Since the repeal of the FCC's 'Fairness Doctrine' by President Reagan, social and political issues have become polarized  into opposite partisan camps, as a result of the influence of broadcast media on those who follow them.  Before its repeal, the Fairness Doctrine compelled broadcast media to offer the opportunity to present contrasting or opposing viewpoints.  The Supreme Court upheld its legality. However, it was an FCC rule and not mandated by legislation although Congress. 

Unfortunately for the Republican Party,  their media wing now seems to captured by special interest groups and dominated by the Fox Broadcasting and Clear Channel Communications.  Each of these entities have their own agendas, neither of which is necessarily aligned with the interests of the American people, although they both stridently claim to do so.

Fox Broadcasting is owned by media mogul Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation.   Murdoch hired Roger Ailes to create the Fox News Channel which he now runs and which is now the preeminent cable news channel in the country. 

Ailes was the media consultant for Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, George H. W. Bush and Rudy Guiliani.  His specialty is political sensationalization.  He is the author of the  'Orchestra Pit Theory", saying:  "If you have two guys on stage and one guys says, 'I have a solution to the Middle East problem', and the other guy falls into the orchestra pit, who do you think is going to be on the evening news?"

Clear Channel Communications owns over 1200 radio broadcast stations throughout the US, and dominates in many regions being the only stations available.  Their board of directors is headed by wealthy far-right neoconservatives, largely from Texas or Oklahoma.  At least one director (John H. Williams) is a member of the infamous Bohemian Club of San Francisco.

Oh yes, it is clear some decidedly slanted 'reporting' is going on here.   Much of it is duplicitous, deceitful, and created opinion masquerading as truth and reality and has swayed elections.  It is neither reality nor truth.  Americans are being deceived and the credibility of Republicans is being destroyed. 

Will the so-called 'Soul of the Republican Party' ultimately destroy the party?

The US Army Pig Wars

US Army Makes War on Pigs - Enlists 'Pig Czar'

Columbus, Georgia (Ft. Benning): You might expect to find a few pigs in a US Army post named for a Confederate general. They are found many other places too, like Big Business, Congress and broadcast journalism. Now, the army at Ft. Benning has officially acknowledged the growing problem and is doing something about it. Major 'Bobby' Toon, who instructs in a 'Maneuver Captains Career Course', is also considered the unofficial 'Pig Czar' at the post.


The huge post is a training ground for many infantry and other military specialties and home to the controversial 'School of the Americas'. SOA trains officers from central and south American countries who often go home to take over their own governments through mayhem and murder. Detractors sometimes call it the 'School of the Assassins'.

Due to so much controversy, SOA today hides behind the more innocuous name of 'Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation'.

Manuel Noriega of Panama is one esteemed graduate of SOA, and a fine example of a pig if there ever was one. Noriega, formerly also a major CIA asset, is currently serving a federal sentence in Miami, Florida for displeasing his CIA handlers in the US over proceeds in the drug trade and other unforgivable insults.

But no, Noriega is not the kind of pig Ft. Benning is worried about. The army says the base is overrun by feral pigs - domestic livestock gone wild as it were. The army offered a $40 bounty for every pig tail brought in. Major Toon himself killed 68 of the feral pigs in 2007, earning himself a tidy $2,720 if he were paid for each one.

"You might say I named my own Toon and sang it myself." says the Major with a wry grin. "And, I always got a piece of tail to go along with it! You can really get off on nailing pigs you know. Every time I get one of the big, fat bastards in my sights I imagine it's Karl Rove's or Rush Limbaugh's floppy pig jowls or big, fat asses I'm seeing . . ."

The army's pig program, while having some success on the base, hasn't affected pigdom in the civilian world at all. "Hell, there were even more of those fat bastards around than ever under the Bush administration." claimed Toon in early 2008.

"No, wait, wait. Forget that. I didn't say any of those things!" said Toon.

Editor's Note: No Animals, Politicians, Radio Commentators, CEO's, Corrupt Bastards or other pigs were hurt in the preparation of this story.

Republican Strategery Meeting

A Soul-Searching Meeting . . .

Michael Steele, chairman of the RNC began the meeting by saying, "I've called this meeting to discuss the direction to take the Republican Party."

"We're really in deep doo - doo." broke in Newt Gingrich quickly, attempting to take charge. "This Arlen Spector defection has really hurt us. If we don't do something fast, the Republican Party is toast."

"Yeah right! That's what you said when you resifned your post as Speaker and bugged out from Congress back in '97." Sneered Congressman John Boehner of Ohio. "I 'member that's when you wanted to train wreck the government 'cause you were pissed at Clinton. That cutesy little move sure didn't win you brownie points anywhere, did it dick shit? What kinda stuff were you sniffing back then anyhow?"

"Kiss my round, pink, well-cared-for sweet and fat ass!" Newt retorted huffily.

"Now, now boys." intoned Michael Steele, . "Remember who you are."

"Who the Hell you callin' 'boy', Boy?" demanded Newt.

Steele smacked him smartly up side the head.

"You wouldn't get away with that crap if we's back down in Kennesaw, GA." sobbed a mortified Newt as he rubbed his pinkened noggin. "Them good ol' boy's down there 'ould straighten out yer black ass for sure!"

Steele smacked him again quite hard, quickly and sharply before he could duck. Newt slunk off into a corner where he pouted darkly and cried, while his friend Eric Cantor tried to console him. "There, there, Newty." said Cantor. "There, there, Baby."

"We've got work to do guys." Steele went on, ignoring Newt. "We don't have time for the good-ol-boy stuff. Newt and all his bullshit and nonsense is old news We've got to work on saving the party George W. Bush and his bunch destroyed. Hell, they have the whole country believing Republicans are nothing but incompetent, corrupt, brain-dead religious fanatics out to destroy everyone's civil rights."

A chorus of general agreement ran round the table, until Senator Mitch McConnell bobbed his head turtle-like and got hurriedly to his feet.

"Hey now, let's not be so quick to throw out the baby with the bath water." Mitch insisted sonorously. "We owe those good-ol-boy bible thumpers and snake handlers a lot. If it wasn't for them, I never would have been elected in the first place. I'm not talking about the ones on welfare of course. I'm talking about the 20% or so of American dumb clucks who still believe in us and cling to the fantasy we're on their side."

Rush Limbaugh, attending as the uncrowned, and unofficial king of conservatives, now aggressively pounded the table and spoke for the first time: "Damned right! We won't ever lose those dummies who still think we're right - we've got those bozos for life. Hell, I even call 'em'Dittoheads' and they just eat that shit up. Would you believe they even call themselves that? Go figure!"

"But, speaking as the real head of the party, I've gotta insist we get rid any damned RINO's - 'Republicans In Name Only' - left around who might decide to defect too. I'm talking right now about people like Olympia Snowe, Susan Collins and that God-damned maverick McCain!"

"Now, just hold on a gosh-damned minute!" shouted an angry John McCain from the back of the room, but few heard him beyond a few feet and he was otherwise ignored. Neither Snowe nor Collins were in attendance.

Bobby Jindal of Louisiana, recently recognized by many Republicans as their newest young up and comer, now put in his two cents' worth: "From where I sit, it's really pretty simple: We either need to find something else good to scare the hell out of everyone with, or find some WMD's in Iraq to prove we had it right over there. Since it looks like both of those are out, and as much as I hate to admit it, we might have to rebrand ourselves.. How's about 'Vote For Change'?"

"That's been done you ninny." retorted Steele sharply. "Obama did that."

"I can see Russia from my house!" shouted Sarah Palin over the general din, but everyone studiously ignored her, including Orrin Hatch who snored softly in his corner.

Steele continued, "We're in trouble guys. Newt was right about one thing. We ARE in deep doo-doo. We're out of money for one thing, and contributions are way down. Our corporate sugar daddies are bailing out by the hundreds and going to the other side."

"Speaking of bailing out, can't we qualify for bailout money from the Stimulus Bill?" demanded Palin. "We can call ourselves the 'Republican National Bank' or something."

"Go on back over to Nordstrom or Neiman-Marcus, Sarah." said Steele. "You're qualified there, but way out of your pay grade here."

"Well, I never!" snorted Palin indignantly.

"Oh, hell yes you did!" cried a suddenly re-energized John McCain. "For one thing you damned sure train wrecked my run for president, you bitch! And another thing, everybody knows all your bullshit 'abstinence' talk is just so much horse puckey after your daughter got knocked up - and on your watch too as governor. What kind of damned mother are you anyway?"

Palin retorted angrily, "Well by God at least I don't need a shot of oxygen just to wake up each day! And if your damned people had listened to me, you'd be president right this minute, and I'd be half a heartbeat away myself. I'm still mad as hell about all that. Listen numbskull, you want to be real careful about making this pig bull, er, ah, er, I mean a pit bull in lipstick mad at you. I could go off like a pit bull with PMS!"

"Yeah, right! You might be real dangerous if you'd stop shooting yourself and everybody around you in the foot too." said a quick thinking McCain as he ducked the shoe Palin threw at him.

"Meeting's adjourned!" shouted an exasperated Michael Steele.


* (Disclaimer: This is an imaginary account of a strategy session among today's Republican leadership)