Saturday, July 04, 2009
Sarah Palin's Fly On The Wall
Last Wednesday Sarah Palin's fly-on-the-wall caught a chewy conversation between Alaska's Governor and Lieutenant Governor. It went something like this:
Governor Sarah Palin: "Hey Sean, step into my office would you? I've got some news for you."
Lt. Governor Sean Parnell: "Okee-dokey Guv, and what kind of news would that be?"
Sarah Palin: "Well, I guess it would come under the heading of good news, bad news."
Sean Parnell: "Hey! I love that stuff! Give me the bad news first and save the good news for last!"
Sarah Palin: "OK, Sean, here goes: I'm resigning my position as governor of Alaska."
Sean Parnell: "Hot damn! That ain't bad news. That's great news! If you don't mind my saying so, the bloom has gone seriously off your roses Guv. Folks are getting pretty damned tired of you always putting your own selfish interests ahead of the people of Alaska. With you gone maybe us Republicans will have a better chance in this state."
Sarah Palin: "Sean, that's a darned poor way to show your appreciation to me. You know when I selected you to be Lt. Governor, it was mostly because I figured it was cute our initials were exactly the same. I never thought you'd ever be governor yourself. You are too much of a dumb ass, dumber than rock in fact, and you have terrible BO and your breathe smells. Probably your feet do too."
Sean Parnell: "Well, mebbe so, but between you and the other dimwit Neocons you've pretty much train-wrecked the Republican Party nationwide. Hell, I was thinking of becoming a Libertarian myself. So, what's the other good news?"
Sarah Palin: "Well, it's good news for you. Now you will become Alaska's governor when I step down on July 26th."
Sean Parnell: "Yeah well. I'd say it's pretty much a win-win for me, So what has caused this seismic change?"
Sarah Palin: "I have my reasons. Let's just say the opera isn't over and the fat lady hasn't sung yet."
Sean Parnell: "Is it about all those 60 some odd ethics complaints against you?"
Sarah Palin: "Ethics, Smethics. Naw, it isn't that although I have to say those totally piss me off. Where do people get off filing complaints against me, Sarah Palin, Barbie-Doll Governor of Alaska and former Vice Presidential nominee?"
Sean Parnell: "Well, you know what folks say; 'Where there's smoke, there's usually fire.' I remember that's how you got in office in the first place. Mebbe somebody's after your butt the same way. You think they'll make anything stick?"
Sarah Palin: "I dunno. Depends on whether they actually apply the laws or not I guess."
Sean Parnell: "Yeah I know. It's just too damned bad us politicians can't do as we like anymore without those pissy laws and ethics complaints nailing us."
Sarah Palin: "Tell me about it!"
Sean Parnell: "So, Guv. I can't believe that's the real reason you're resigning. What do you mean the fat lady hasn't sung yet?"
Sarah Palin: "I'm gonna make my public announcement on Friday afternoon, just before the Fourth of July holiday. Maybe the news will get smothered by all the holiday excitement. I'll just hint at things like I'm positioning myself for run at the US presidency, or raising money or something like that. But, if my enemies keep digging, there very well could be more to come."
Sean Parnell: "More to come? Like what?"
Sarah Palin: "Can't tell you that Sean. You'd probably just use it against me yourself."
Sean Parnell: Well, give me a hint at least. Don't let me get blind-sided like everyone else."
Sarah Palin: "I'm not gonna give you specifics you asshole. Let's just say there could be some stuff in the woodpile and if it comes out my goose would be well-done. I don't want to be like that idiot Mark Sanford crying on national TV and trying to cling onto my job no matter how bad he screwed up. Pardon my pun, but seems like the only sex he's getting these days is by screwing up."
Sean Parnell: "Damn Guv! You and Mark Sanford? Tell me it isn't so!"
Sarah Palin: "Hell no you idiot! I wouldn't look twice at that bozo. I don't need any more trailer trash than I already have. Todd Palin is way more than I care to deal with anyway! Who the hell does he think he is anyway? First Dude my aching ass!"
Sean Parnell: "It's not Joe the Plumber is it?"
Sarah Palin: "Dammit Sean! It's nothing like that. Get your head out of your ass!"
Sean Parnell: "Well I know the media has been coming after you for all your faux pas and verbal stumbles. I see now they're after you for plagiarizing a joke about John Kerry's 'long face'. Don't you have anybody helping you by checking things for you?"
Sarah Palin: "We call it 'research'. My research staff is always on the lookout for mean jokes about other people. We thought that was a great joke and figured everybody would have forgotten it by now. Who'd a-thunk they'd remember stuff like that so long?"
Sean Parnell: "Yeah, well. And then there was that exorcism thingy by the witch doctor in your church. That didn't help you much either."
Sarah Palin: "Hell no! And it didn't even work either. I've been feeling kinda weird ever since and I still have demons coming out my ears! It's enough to make you swear off religion."
Sean Parnell: "Well personally Guv, I think you'd be way ahead if you did."
Sarah Palin: "Well, mebbe I will. It doesn't seem to be working so well for me right now anyway."
Sean Parnell: "Like what?"
Sarah Palin: "Well, Sean, I wasn't going to tell you this, and you've got to swear you won't say anything. You're the only one I'm telling and if it gets out I'm coming after you, OK? I'm pretty sure Bristol is knocked up again."
Sean Parnell: "Hot damn! How did that happen? I thought Levi was out of her life now."
Sarah Palin: "He is you idiot! But, he's not the only guy around with the hots for my daughter. But, you know that ball game I went to and Letterman made the joke about?"
Sean Parnell: "Yeah?"
Sarah Palin: "Well, everyone thought my daughter Willow was the only one of my girls there. And, the reason nobody saw Bristol was she really was shacked up with Alex Rodriguez at the time, but how was I supposed to know? Anyway, the reason I jumped all over Letterman like I did was to throw up a smoke screen. I tell, you all anyone has to do is wave a penis at that girl one time and she feels obligated to get pregnant. Abstinence my aching ass!"
Sean Parnell: "Damn."
Sarah Palin: "Yeah, if all that gets out I'll be as roasted and basted as a Thanksgiving turkey. That damned Letterman will have a field day. I can just see his gleeful damned smirk now!"
Sean Parnell: "Oh right! There was that little turkey faux pas too!"
Sarah Palin: "Dammit Sean! How was I to know they'd be killing turkeys at that turkey farm."
Sean Parnell: "Well Guv, it WAS a turkey farm and processing place after all . . . "
Sarah Palin: "I didn't realize they'd actually be processing in the background while I was there doing my video. I tell you I've got enemies all over the place just laying for me."
Sean Parnell: "Yeah well. I guess you coulda looked around a little before you started being 'Miss Precious' and all. I mean, that's in Politics 101."
Sarah Palin: "I never took Politics 101. I always go by the seat of my pants."
Sean Parnell: "Yeah well, that couldn't be any more damned obvious."
Sarah Palin: "Just what the hell is that supposed to mean, Sean?"
Sean Parnell: "Well, just look at you now. You're resigning your office and running for cover. You'll end up a political footnote. A laughing stock. A freaking joke. They'll trot you out as an example of what not to do in the future."
Sarah Palin: "Damn Sean! That's harsh. I've a good mind to just fire your stupid ass and appoint another Lt. Governor before I resign."
Sean Parnell: "You can't get away with that!"
Sarah Palin: "You bet your bippy I can! In fact, you're fired!"
Sean Parnell: "You're serious?"
Sarah Palin: "You betcha!"