Monday, April 20, 2009

Planning The Tea Party

"Hey! Let's have us a tea party!' Mad Hatter cried during his daily meeting before his broadcast on Fox News.

"O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! " Jabberwock chortled in his joy. "then, we can gyre and gimble in the wabe!"

"Yes! Yes! Let's! That's a marvelous idea!" enthused Cheshire Cat. "Whatever shall we call it then?"

"Why not have it on tax day, April 15th?" replied Mad Hatter. "Then we can call it the 'Tax Day Tea Party'. We should even go out on a limb and invite Alice too of course."

"Nay,nay," said Caterpillar. "she is but a moderate person and not what we could consider as a conservative. She doesn't fit with our agenda at all - in fact, I wouldn't be a bit surprised to find out she voted for Obama in the last election."

"I totally agree." said Cheshire Cat. "The last time I invited her here, last election, she left no doubt what she thought about us.

"`But I don't want to go among mad people,' she said.

`Oh, you can't help that,' I said: `we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'

`How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice. `You must be,' I said, `or you wouldn't have come here.' "

"I don't care about that now!" said Mad Hatter. "We must take the chance. Our party will have no credibility at all if we don't invite everyone - even the moderates. We must be grassroots!"

"Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun the frumious Bandersnatch!'' shouted Jabberwock.

"Quiet you blathering idiot!" sneered Mad Hatter. "Shut your damned pie hole! Else folks will think everyone in our group is as mad as me, or worse, you."

But then White Rabbit quietly intoned, "Yes, Quite. But, that's despite the fact we all are. We just can't let on is all. We must show that we in our party are all as normal as Alice or they'll never take us serious again. I think we've worn out that 'Fear Factor' thingy by now. No one is taking us serious anymore after that last election blowout. We gotta invite Alice and everyone else. We need a new gimmick!"

"Oh, come to my arms, my beamish boy! " exclaimed Jabberwock. "Exactlyish we mimsy are, burbling as we do! Terrierist! WMD's! Yellowcake! Al Qaeda! Praise the Lord!"

"Quiet, I've told you Jabberwock!' ordered Mad Hatter disgustedly. "Or, I'll have security escort you from the building!"

"Now, look here everyone. I'm the official leader and spokesman for this Party." the rotund cigar smoking beasty went on. " I'm the one who sets the rules and the policies while you're out all galumping around. Let's just get down to business, shall we? We can have everyone bring their own tea bags to this party. That will show the country and that socialist Obama how dead serious we are. I think tea bags are a very serious symbol, reminding everyone of the Boston Tea Party and how our patriots took back the country then, and took their own guns and installed our Christian God and Capitalism in our great country.

"Yeah," said Caterpillar. "Obama wants to destroy capitalism by raising taxes on the highest income Americans all the way up to about 10 percent less than under Reagan. If that's not socialism, I don't know what is! And, all that malarky about him going to Christian church all his life is just a smokescreen. Oh yes, he's devilish clever he is. He's planned his attack since the time he was six years old. He just wants to worm his way in so he can make Islam the official state religion for everyone!"

As Jabberwock could never remain silent for long, he now shouted out excitedly. "All mimsy were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe! Terrierist! Terrierist!"

But now studiously ignoring Jabberwock, Mad Hatter continued. "Yes, all completely true Caterpillar. And Cheshire Cat, I think you should be in charge of organizing things. You should work behind the scenes and make it look and seem the tea party is a grassroots thing. That way, everyone will get the idea that conservative Republicans are still mainstream, no matter how mad and bizarre our politics have grown."

"Quite, quite." said Cheshire Cat, pleased with the responsibility. After all, playing second fiddle to Mad Hatter wasn't the most rewarding thing in the world, even if he did have his own broadcast show. This was his chance to really get his teeth into something meaty and maybe make himself stand out from the crowd.

But Caterpillar was troubled. "Whatever shall we do with all those tea bags which are sure to be turned in? We can't afford to be seen as littering if they're thrown on the ground or whatever."

"Hey! I know!" Cheshire Cat broke in. "We can mail them all to Obama. Then he'll be stuck with tons of the damned things and have a huge problem with what to do with them. That will make him look bad for sure. I know that should work better than attacking his dog Bo in the press did."

At this point White Rabbit interjected, his bald head glistening in the harsh overhead lighting: "You're all dreaming." he said. Obama is way too smart for you for that to have a chance. He'll just pack 'em up and ship them off somewhere as part of a 'African Stimulus Bill', or find a cure for AIDS with them or something. He's a wily devil I tell you, and not at all like our dear White Queen now back down there in Crawford, Texas twiddling his thumbs."

"Oh, you just had to bring him up!" Mad Hatter cried, tears streaming down his cheeks. "Oh how I miss him sitting there in the White House, clueless as he was. He was a dumb son of a bitch all right, but by God, he was OUR dumb son of a bitch!"

"And, we must never, ever lose sight of our sacred Republican creed." Mad Hatter bawled: "Gold, Guns and God!"

'Amens' where shouted as loud chorus of sincere agreement ran around the meeting room and everyone wiped their eyes.

"Twas brillig, and the slithy toves!" shouted Jabberwock as he took his vorpal sword in hand and left whiffling through the tulgey wood.

(My sincere apoligies to Lewis Carroll for my shameless twisting of his wonderful prose in The Mad Hatter's Tea Party.)

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