Friday, July 10, 2009

One High-Flying Governor Mark Sanford

A young South Carolina tractor salesman was talking with a customer one day, a gnarled old farmer. They were discussing the news of the day:

Tractor Salesman: " Yessir Mr. Harper, I sure have been entertained lately with all the goings on in South Carolina."

Farmer: "You mean Governor Mark Sanford and all his shenanigans"?"

Tractor Salesman: "Yeah. Don't it just blow your mind though? I never saw such goings on and all. It blew me away the way Sanford had the nerve to compare hisself to the biblical King David like that. Wants everybody to think he is so holy and religious and all, and was so put on by his troubles."

Farmer: "Yeah, don't that sound just like some sanctimonious damned preacher or goody-goody frigging shylock lawyer though? I wish I could say he was a preacher or a lawyer, but he ain't. He's actually a real estate broker, which is probably the next worst thing. Ain't none of 'em too been much known for telling the truth. And Governor Mark Sanford sure'n hell ain't too acquainted with the truth, now is he?"

Tractor Salesman: "No Sir. That feller sure has some gall and nerve. Lying to everybody, including his own staff and Lt. Governor, not to mention his wife and family. I mean, lookit. Here he's gone tooting off to Argentina to shack up with his hot tamale down there, on state money, lying to everybody in sight, and he wants everyone to just forget it."

Farmer: "Yep. Even thinks his old lady should put up with it. 'Spects her to just fergive and fergit. He needs a lotta luck with that! Iffen it was me, my old lady be calling the undertaker 'bout now!"

Tractor Salesman: "Yep. Looks to me like he's gonna git away with it too. He's been censured by all his colleagues and all, and he ain't gonna be worth a damn as governor no more, but he's still in the damned job. He ain't got the sense to let go, which'd be one hell of a lot better for the state."

Farmer: "Yep. Well me, I think he's gonna fall, one way or t'other. iffen they cain't git him on breaking the law, I don't think the people of this here state are gonna put up with this selfish idjit for much longer."

Tractor Salesman: " I don't know. They ain't nobody hollering loud enough for his hide yet."

Farmer: "Just wait. He just ain't high enough yet."

Tractor Salesman: "High enough? What do ya mean Mr. Harper?"

Farmer: "Yeah, but he ain't got hisself up to the top of the tree yet. He's still climbing, but he ain't there yet."

Tractor Salesman: "Well for Pete's sake Mr. Harper, he's the governor! I don't understand."

Farmer: "What I mean is, he's figuring he's getting away with everything, and nobody in this state has hollered loud enough to bring him down. Damned fool figures if he keeps on bullshitting long enough and loud enough he'll just keep his job by default. But that ain't gonna work for him forever. All his bullshitting is gonna eventually bring him down."

Tractor Salesman: "How come? Seems to be working so far. Ain't nobody mad enough or strong enough to pull him down yet."

Farmer: "Yep. But that'll change. People of this state ain't gonna keep listening to his crap forever."

Tractor Salesman: "Well, you must know something I don't know Mr. Harper. I don't see that happening."

Farmer: "Well, let me tell you a little story son. One time there was a partridge trying to fly up to the top of a tree. He kept trying, but couldn't quite make it. Then, one day he found a pile of fresh bullshit by the side of the road. So, he thinks to hisself, 'hmm. Wonder if I eat some of that iffen it'll give me the strength to fly higher'?"

"So, he took a little nibble, and sure enough, he made it up to a low limb on that there tree. So, he flew down and took a bigger bite of that bullshit, and so on and on, until finally, he made it all the way to top of that tree."

Salesman: " I don't see your point Mr. Harper. Looks like Sanford is having his way, and still bullshitting everybody, and he's still the governor."

Farmer: "Well, that's just my point son. You see, after that partridge got to the top of that there tree, that's when I spotted 'im. Took my shotgun and blew his damned ass out of that tree and had 'im for supper."

Tractor Salesman: " Wow! I see what you mean. He kept on and on with all his bullshit until he made hisself a big enough spectacle and a big enough target, until he got his ass shot off."

Farmer: "Yep son. You see, bullshit can get you all the way to the top sometimes, but it sure'n hell cain't keep yer ass there!"

Tractor Salesman: "Cain't wait!"

Farmer: "Me neither! I'm 'shamed to be called a South Carolinian long's we'uns let that fool stay in office! I swan, folks are laughing at us all over."

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