Thursday, August 27, 2009
THE WINGNUT OLYMPICS
The Wingnut Olympics were held Bayou la Batre, Alabama last week.
The 'Birthers' came out of the gate strongly with strident claims that Barrack Obama was not born in the US of A. They trotted out all sorts of manufactured 'evidence' and theories to 'prove' their case. But, they were ruled out on a 'lunacy' technicality when a Birther fringe element laid out a case that, in fact, not only was Obama not even born in the country, but not on the planet Earth. Their contention was that Obama was a 'droid' manufactured on the as yet undiscovered planet "Sublime" by a socialist race with communistic tendencies.
Supposedly, and according to the Birthers, the obama droid was 'inserted' into the mainstream 'milieu' and programmed to gain traction in Chicago, Illinois. Why Chicago should be chosen was beyond anyone's comprehension - hence the lunacy disqualification.
The fundamentalist Christian faction, always strong contenders, went out to an early lead which they stubbornly, if absurdly, defended throughout most of the entire event. Led by Sarah Palin in partnership with James Dobson, they attempted to perform 'de facto exorcisms' via telekinesis of Obama, Sonia Sotomayor and Tinky Winky of Teletubbie fame.
When this failed, Palin volunteered herself as a subject in a desperate attempt to hold onto the lead. And, in fact, several demons WERE successfully exorcised from Palin, but several even more heinous ones were not. The voo-doo priest who performed the exorcism then took his own life by 'self-will' on the stage in front of thousands of excited fans, some of whom were actually splattered by chicken blood. As a result of that, the entire attempt was deemed a fraud and a failure by the judges.
But, no matter. The judges were immediately overruled by the very Reverend Pat Robertson who opined, "Hey, if I can make God steer hurricanes, why can't I overrule a few corporeal judges? But Robertson himself was then distracted by some peculiarly nasty controversies concerning the abysmal treatment of workers at one of his diamond mines in Africa, and lost control of the situation. The judges ultimately prevailed and ruled the fundamentalists out. The fundamentalists stomped out of the event, but not before angrily dynamiting the administration building and torching a number of the judges.
"Peace on Earth and good will to men.' n'est pas?
But the real heroes of the event were the Flat Earthers and the Global Warming Deniers, who although small in number, displayed a strength far beyond their apparent capacity. Buoyed by massive infusions of cash from their multi-national oil company sponsors, they were a force to contend with throughout.
The FE's and the GWD's were themselves strongly aided by the anti-abortion crowd, who threw a wild care in the event with their claims that human life begins at very first thought of any sexual thought by the male of the species. Although wags like to call this the 'Horny Toad Conundrum', the judges seemed to give the idea a lot of credence.
It was only when the Pentecostal Snake Handlers crowd began wholesale lobbying for the 'Right to Life' for unborn snakes 'even before the egg' that the judges realized their error and reversed themselves.
The gold medal winners turned out to be 'Cynical Corporate Masters', as if there ever were really any doubt. These cynical, behind-the-scenes manipulators of the intellectually challenged, controlled everyone else through the medium of Fox news and corporate shills such as Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly. Most of the above contenders coincidentally, already qualify on the intellectually challenged account. As a result the CCM's ruled the event, and laughed hilariously all the way to the bank afterwards.