Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

Want to do something progressive which is both delicious and effective?  Read on:

Progressives wonder at the obtuseness of some of the worst of the Right Wing idiocy. Like Ann Coulter’s ‘perfection’ of Jews, and Rick Perry’s officially praying for rain, and Michelle Bachmann’s husband’s group for ‘Praying The Gay Away’. And then there’s all the blather about the sins of abortion, the U.S. being a ‘Christian Nation’, and illegal immigration and so on and on and on. If you are a student of history you know the right wing reactionary compulsion is very old, going back to the beginning of recorded time. 

It is a sort of, ‘he or she is not like me, so I’ve got to compel him/her to conform to my way of thinking’.

Right wing conservatives seem to find so many things to be alarmed about. Who knows why they get so exercised and reactionary? My theory is this syndrome is fueled mostly by fear, and its cousin hate, with some envy and jealousy thrown in for good measure - but those are themes for future blogs.

Money seems to be a huge concern for right wingers, and is THE ruling factor in so many of their lives. We progressives need money too of course, but most of us are not so dominated by a primary interest in it. To us money is a means for sustenance and survival and not a tool for control. However, this is not to say money can not be used as a voice.

We all have our favorite causes, and many progressive ideas are just so much anathema to conservatives. So much the better, and therein lies our concept. We often contribute money for our causes, and get a feeling of satisfaction from doing so. But, how about DOUBLING that feeling? 

It is easy really: Just think a little about a cause you may be interested in, and then think of some high profile right winger who is in vocal opposition to it. Once you’ve settled on your right winger, donate to your cause IN THEIR NAME. Make sure you research their name and mailing address so any thank you response from the cause goes directly to your right winger. This can be so, so rewarding and gratifying. Besides directly helping your cause and irritating your target, this lets them know there is someone out there ready and willing to put their money where their mouth is in opposition. Another benefit is your right winger can be seen, albeit indirectly, as actually supporting the cause they vocalize against. 

Sweet!

For example, I myself have donated to the ACLU in Ken Starr’s name, to Planned Parenthood in Sarah Palin’s name, and the Wisconsin Teacher’s Union in Governor Scott Walker’s name. There are so many possibilities you may need to set a budget for your donations to keep things under control.

And, I recommend doing just that by making a list of your right wing ‘donor honorees’ and the causes they are to be honored with. When you sit down to write that check, the feeling is great!

All On Board the Crazy Train!

Wonderful News!

Crusaders are now coming out of the woodwork and wormholes to save our nation! They tell us they know better than anyone else and can and will save us from ourselves. They will take us all back to a far simpler, safer time when everything is all milk, honey, roses and cash on the barrelhead. Back to the past where the world is flat and the Sun revolves around the Earth, the very center of the universe itself, where a Christian God rules everything, where the good get richer and the poor get poorer, the sick get sicker and deserve it by God. Back to a time of black and white certainties, with no grey areas and no doubts about anything at all, ever, thank you very much!

To save ourselves we are told, we will have to put our faith in these wise, determined crusaders for mom, apple pie, cold hard cash and the American Way, and let them show us the way. They are on board a wildly careening and crusading Crazy Train and stoking the fires to work up a head of steam for days to come. They have their Tin Hats all secured in their luggage and their White Horses, Unicorns and Centaurs in the baggage car and letting us know they are on their way to save us all.

‘Just who are these crusaders?’ you may well ask.

If you ever doubted the existence of the figures in those irrational fantasies we heard about and feared as children, now is the time put those doubts to rest for good. They actually do exist in the form of these crusaders who daily live and speechify amongst us. That’s the good news - but very sadly, that’s the awful, wretched news too.

So, who are they? Let’s make a list, in no particular order shall we?

There’s, the Minnesota Banshee of course, Michelle. You didn’t think Banshee’s actually existed? Think again. Michelle is a living proof, with the wail or a tormented woman and the shriek of an injured owl, who gives continuous vent to venomous outrage violating all laws of lucidity or rationality. In fact, Michelle seems to posses a strict, determined and unfailing allegiance to irrationality.

Then there’s Jabberwocky Paul Ryan of Wisconsin who recklessly swings his Vorpal Sword in noisy defense of the official Tin Hat Banner (“Don’t Tread On Me!”) and has famously been heard to mutter, ‘All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe.’, and, ‘Somehow it seems to fill my head with ideas---only I don't exactly know what they are! But, I DO KNOW what’s good for YOU!’

There’s Tim the Seraphim, also from Minnesota. (Is there something in the water in those regions?) Tim has eagerly climbed aboard the Crazy Train too and champions evangelical endeavors to return the Earth to its flat, pure state and America to a place where immigrants, foreigners, abortionists and gays may be securely walled off for the protection of all good Christian folk, who are the inheritors of, and the rightful owners of this great nation, thank you very much.

There’s Huck, the pious Golem, who fantasizes we need “. . . . to amend the Constitution so it’s in God’s standards rather than try to change God’s standards so it lines up with some contemporary view.” (These are his actual words!) The contemporary view, by the way when the Constitution was written was ‘separation of church and state’. Huck sits right in the middle of the God Car on the Crazy Train along with Tim and Sarah, but running hot or cold depending on the mood of his handlers at Fox News.

We must not leave out The Donald, the comb-over Satyr who has lately boarded the Crazy Train and is now happily seated first class way up front. The Donald’s particular fantasy is that certain people are not actually born where they are born, but in fact, somewhere else, say not ‘Hawaii’ but ‘Africa’. People who believe this way are called ‘Birthers’ and are a brand new addition to Fantasyland. Alas, there are so many that most Birthers are compelled to ride second class on the Crazy Train - but certainly not The Donald whose hair we’ve been informed, actually has its very own birth certificate!!

There’s Newt the Phoenix, who’s risen from the ashes of his once commanding political career to re-board the Crazy Train anew. Newt fantasizes about a return to fondly remembered days of yore, when men were men, and women were women, and women could marry only men and vice versa. Newt himself provides three excellent examples for this procedure by having had affairs with younger women while his current wife is seriously ill, then divorcing the currently extant wife to marry the younger woman. None of that evil same-sex marriage stuff for an ethically challenged Phoenix, nosiree! Newt the Phoenix has a sub-speciality in train wrecking governments.

Sitting up front first class in the God Car on the Crazy Train with Huck and Tim is Sarah from Alaska, the Harpy/Siren who seems to so thrill the sex-subverted legions of Tea Partiers in their search for truths about God and making American safe for all good Christians, not to mention those lusting after unattainable women. Siren Sarah competes at least evenly with the Banshee for shrilling nonsense, especially when it comes to God-hollering and smacking down the less fortunate, and out does her by far when it comes to casting out demons and uncovering Death Panels.

Way back in the caboose is Haley, the Hellhound Boogeyman from Mississippi, whose main hope and goal it is to reestablish the Confederacy to an equal footing with the US Government and install the Ku Klux Klan as overseers of Social Security, Medicare and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives. His secondary goal is to encode the Ten Commandments as law and official policy in a Christian government.

Alas, left behind at the station is a more sanely rational, but now very lonely Mitt Romney whose sin it was to actually put in place a health care system for all in Massachusetts when governor there. This is an unpardonable sin in the view of most Crazy Train riders in the wake of the new US national health care system modeled on Romney’s, but installed by a . . . gasp! . . . black democrat! However, Mitt is not completely out of the running as he is now urgently seeking and hopes to find a suitable shapeshifting methodology to overcome his handicap.

And, you thought myths and fantasy were just make believe?

Gosh! How gullible you must be!

Ronald Reagan - Lest We Forget . . .

Today, many of us marvel at all the stupid and contradictory things said by the right-wing crazies who seem to be all around us. People like Glenn Beck, Michele Bachmann, Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin come quickly to mind. But, there is one god-like person all of them idolize and bring up every chance they get as their heroic “Great Communicator”:

RONALD WILSON REAGAN

Reagan was the “B” grade Hollywood actor who was convinced he had all the answers for everything for everyone. He first became governor of California and later went on to serve two terms as the President of the United States of America. Some people think he was elected because he ‘looked and talked presidential’. He certainly talked in simplistic terms which appealed to people on an emotional level, and - he was an actor after all, albeit a decidedly mediocre one.

And that heroic ideal of the people who are often called ‘bat-shit crazies’ today, was no slouch in the utterance of stupid, absurd and contradictory things himself. In fact, in re-reading some of them, one gets the feeling that Ronald Reagan may have been the advance guard for making obtusely ludicrous pronouncements. Reagan sometimes makes his followers seem bright in comparison, except for maybe Dan Quayle who is a study in himself. Here are just a few of the things Ronald Wilson Reagan said over the years:

"It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?"


"I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself."


"I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency -- even if I'm in a Cabinet meeting."


"Well, I learned a lot....I went down to (Latin America) to find out from them and (learn) their views. You'd be surprised. They're all individual countries"


"Facts are stupid things."


"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles."


"All the waste in a year from a nuclear power plant can be stored under a desk."


"The state of California has no business subsidizing intellectual curiosity."


"I don't believe a tree is a tree and if you've seen one you've seen them all."


"Approximately 80 percent of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and enforcing tough emission standards from man-made sources."


"We are trying to get unemployment to go up, and I think we're going to succeed."


"What we have found in this country, and maybe we're more aware of it now, is one problem that we've had, even in the best of times, and that is the people who are sleeping on the grates, the homeless who are homeless, you might say, by choice."


"I have a feeling that we are doing better in the war than the people have been told." (about Vietnam)

"...the moral equal of our Founding Fathers." (about Nicaraguan contras)

"...a faceless mass, waiting for handouts." (about Medicaid recipients)

"Unemployment insurance is a pre-paid vacation for freeloaders."

" . . . until now has there ever been a time in which so many of the prophecies are coming together. There have been times in the past when people thought the end of the world was coming, and so forth, but never anything like this."


I believe that the future is far nearer than most of us would dare hope.””


“Even though there may be some misguided critics of what we're trying to do, I think we're on
the wrong path.” (about welfare reform)


"We're not building missiles to fight a war. We're building missiles to preserve the peace."


“Where would this country be without this great land of ours?”

Ronald Reagan was a big champion of Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher of Great Britain, who was often compared with him. Maybe that’s why I find it so amusing to consider what she really actually thought of him:

"Poor dear, there's nothing between his ears."
           ~British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher

Not to be outdone, some of Reagan’s international contemporaries had a similar opinion:

"What planet is he living on?"
           ~President Mitterand of France

Larry Speakes, Reagan’s own press secretary said preparing him for a press conference was,

"...like reinventing the wheel."

So, you see, when you take the time to really analyze things, you realize these new crazies have a great deal to live down to.

Political Verse Nonsense

POLITICS

Republicans just blather and blather.

While Democrats just get in a lather,

Though the rest of us,

We never much fuss,

Still hoping common sense they could gather

John Boehner is certainly not crazy,

Even if you think his man tan may be.

Nonetheless his crying,

Is quite stupefying,

And, puts to shame all other cry babies.

Limbaugh says Health Care is just fine as is,

And needs no new laws, taxes or patches,

“What’s a few million uninsured?”

“Hell, they can be faith cured,”

“And save money by dying in batches!”

Conservative, WASP, evangelical or Anglican

Republicans can be so downright unAmerican,

“To Hell with all the rest,

Let’s feather our own nest!”

Could be the the epithet of the last Republican.

Republicans say their tent is big and inclusive,

Declaring they wish not to be reclusive,

Yet tolerate no homos nor lesbians,

No Atheists, Progressives nor Haitians,

All those and Republicans are mutually exclusive!

"All those whiners!" declared Phil Gramm,

"We've got ours so we don't give a damn.

John 'n me and most of our friends,

Got more money than we can spend.

Let the poor eat cake and marmalade jam."

Too much education is a bad thing,”

Said Karl Rove of the Right Wing.

“It’s really quite pathetic,

Letting people vote Democratic,

Could well cut short a Republican swing.”

The Roadblock and Train Wreck party held a meeting,

“There’s absolutely no doubt we’re in for a beating.”

Said national Chairman Michael Steele,

“And, I must make a last ditch appeal,”

“To return to our core values of lying and cheating.”

An old Republican queer named Mitch,

Swore to run health care straight in the ditch,

Wearing a shirt of bright pink,

He minced as he winked,

“Screw health care, I’m still a stone bitch!”

A Democrat out driving a Toyota,

Ran over a Republican Voter.

‘Thank goodness!’ he cried,

“He was on the wrong side,”

“And I don’t blame myself one iota!”

Of the US Congress, who can say?

Why they plot, sellout, stall and delay?

All we absolutely know for sure,

Their results resemble horse manure,

With the public always the ones who pay.

ALASKANS

MILLEROSCOPY

Joe Miller ran for public office.

Alaska voters held a caucus.

Decided he was a nut case,

Wearing a thug’s beard on his face,

Who made everyone too nauseous.

Joe Miller went all wacky and nervous,

The election became a huge circus,

And, when the recount at last came in,

Poor ol’ Joe took it smack on the chin;

For, voters learned Joe Miller was worthless!

PALINOLOGY

Due to her total refudiation,  

Of all the entire Obama nation,

Sarah Palin drew a bead,

Never mind the need,

On all health care laws and legislation.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH SARAH PALIN?

Whatever could be the matter with Sarah Palin?

Disturbing all with her sad weeping and wailing.

Insisting the media spawned her political derailing,

Whining by Facebook, Twittering, and secret emailing,

Insinuating so much with insufficient detailing,

Blaming all but herself for her career's curtailing,

Hopefully now her political coffin has its last nail in.

THE DANCER

There once was a dancer named Bristol;

Who was ever so ignorantly blissful.

Like her mom, a mental midget,

She extended her middle digit,

And used her finger as her pistol.

"THE DIM-WITTED TWEETER" 

There was once a dim witted twit who twittered,

Who quitted her governor's job with all its glitter.

And, promised to never, ever leave Twitter.

But soon did so with nary a back-look nor titter.

Then, later behold! About-faced and unquitted Twitter!

Yes, this dim-witted twit recanted and re-twittered,

She twittered about this and that and the other,

Death panels, Russia and Obama's mother.

Hoping everyone forgot the job so blithely quittered.

On, she twittered, and twittered and twittered,

On subjects she hardly knew quit from quinolla,

She expounded on Levi, McCain, Trig and Angola.

On Sesame, governments, church and pipefitters.

She shamefully twittered and twittered and twittered,

While the country grew quite weary and so jittered,

All tired of her nonsense and now sadly embittered,

While the sheen on her star dimmed and quite flittered.

Nonetheless, she persistently, mindlessly twittered,

Ignoring all pleas, imprecations and screams,

Plugging always her twisted, evangelical dreams,

Even husband Todd too, wanted to jump up and hit her.

May we never see again all those perfidious twitters,

Playing so to fears, paranoia, religion and bitters,

Plainly,  insanely, chasing her own lost fame and glitters,

Yes, next time give us at least a rational bullshitter!

THE QUITTER

Sarah Palin thinks everyone's out to get her,

Which makes her mad and so awfully bitter,

She's resorting to politically incorrect twitters.

The public is greatly amazed, and all in a titter,

Her constituents never agreed to permit her,

To abandon her state nor to submit her,

To ridicule, amazement and rude side-splitters,

Being a lipsticked mom from a pit bull's litter,

Didn't qualify Sarah nor make her one bit fitter,

To govern a state nor be a political outwitter.

Turns out, Sarah's only an inept, low-octane quitter!

Tweet!

Tweet!

Tweet!

A Tea Party Jesus

I met a representative of Jesus the other day. That's what he told me.

He didn't seem a lot like the real Jesus, the one who was reportedly nailed to a cross over two millennia ago, then buried in a cave, then, if you believe in the legend, was raised from the dead to become the savior of Christian souls. No, this guy told me he was a retired tire vulcanizer from Cincinnati, Ohio. He carried a flag with a cross on it which had the words * 'Time to Reload' written on it. I found him at a Tea Party rally wearing a pair of camouflage pants and a baseball cap with the words, “NRA” boldly emblazoned in gold on the front.

I approached him for an interview. This guy was white, had a fair sized pot belly and was seriously going bald, both of which he tried to hide. He unsuccessfully tried to suck in his gut when I approached and his baldness wasn't evident until his flag accidentally brushed his cap off his head. He assured me he was 'standing up for Jesus' and was doing Jesus' work on Earth. He said was one of the faithful working to save our nation. I believed him.

“And, I'm taking my country back!” he informed me defiantly.

“From where and whom?” I wondered, puzzled.

“From the communists, and illegal immigrants and queers and liberals of course!” he said. “Them and their puppet Obama have just about destroyed the country. Just look at how deep in debt they have us now!”

“They have?” I asked.

“Damned right! And now, they're gonna raise taxes on everybody!” he replied.

“They are?” I asked. “I thought they were going to just let the tax cut for the rich expire. And, I thought the economy went sour while Bush was still in charge.”

“They are going to raise taxes on everybody making over $250,000 a year!” He spurted. “And everybody knows the Democrats ran the economy in the ditch the last year of Bush's term!”

“So, how will this affect you?” I asked. “Will your taxes go up because you make over $250,000 a year?”

“It's not me I'm talking about!” he protested. “If you tax the rich, then they won't have money to invest! That's the core principle of trickle down economics. Rush Limbaugh is always talking about that.”

“Well, it's not actually a tax increase.” I explained. “It's just letting Bush's tax cut expire. The tax rate will simply go back to where it was under Clinton – when we didn't have anything trickling down and things were booming right along nicely. We also had a big budget surplus back then too, or didn't you notice?”

“Nope. I was too busy making a living, and waiting for the shoe to drop.” he said.

“What shoe?” I asked.

“The economic shoe, dummy! What just happened!”

“But the economy went south two years ago under George W. Bush.” I pointed out mildly.

He snorted, “Are you nuts? It was Clinton's policies and the liberal Democrats in Congress who ambushed Bush and deliberately trashed the economy just to make him look bad. Rush Limbaugh has explained it on his radio show many, many times. Everybody knows that . . ”

“They do?”

“Hell yeah! Where you been, sleeping under a rock or something?” he retorted. “You must be part of that drive by media Rush is always talking about.”

There was no real answer to that so I just let it go.

“So, you think Jesus wants you to take our country back with guns?” I asked to change the subject.

“Damned right!” he retorted. “Just like we took it back from the British in the first place! It's about time to water the tree of liberty with blood, and * it's time to get liberals in the cross hairs!”

I said, “That doesn't sound much like the Jesus I learned about in Sunday School. That Jesus was supposed to be a man of peace and always tried to promote peace the way I remember it.”

He snorted, “Yeah, well if Jesus was on Earth today, he'd be out here with me. He doesn't intend for us to put us with communists and socialists or queers which are an abomination to his name. Jesus would have his guns loaded and locked, ready to defend our country against them like all patriots. I know that for a fact!”

“You do? I asked. “How?”

“Yep! All good Christians know that.”

“I take it you consider yourself a good Christian then.” I said. “Which church do you go to?”

“I'm a Jehovah's Witness.” he answered. “We're perfected Christians and my pastor says Jesus is real upset the way things are going and it's past time for Christians to set things straight. That's why I'm here today. If we can't straighten things out by electing the right people, we might need to take direct action.”

I asked, “Do you mean take up arms?”

“Hell, yeah!” he responded. “A lot of us Christians are locked and loaded and ready to go.”

“You do know armed insurrection against the government is illegal don't you?” I asked. “That if you take up guns to in defiance of law you could go to jail?”

“We don't pay attention to any laws that ain't the law of God.' he retorted. “God and Jesus guide us every step of the way, and I'm here to bear witness to that!”

I though it impolitic and would not serve any real purpose to point out that was exactly the way the Taliban justifies their terrorism. The only difference being nomenclature – Allah instead of Jesus.

I came away from the interview thinking if things keep going along the same way, this guy would probably need to enter the Jehovah Witness Protection Program someday.

* actual quotes by Sarah Palin

AN INTERVIEW WITH SARAH PALIN *

Potential candidates are jockeying for the 2012 GOP presidential nomination. Some of the front runners are considered to be, not in any particular order, Sarah Palin, Mitt Romney,  Mike Huckabee, Ron Paul and possibly Governor Rick Perry of Texas.


Sarah Palin, who seems to be positioning herself for the nomination was recently interviewed by Rolling Stones magazine reporter Hugh Upps:

UPPS:  “Thanks for taking the time to meet with me Ms. Palin.“

PALIN:  “Not at all, Hugh.“

UPPS:  “It’s now being said you no longer have a chance at the Republican nomination for President in 2012. What do you have to say to that?“

PALIN:  “Well Hugh, first I’d like to say I have never sought the nomination. It’s just that everyone wants me to run and it is thrust on me. I have no personal ambitions at all you know. I’m just a simple Alaskan housewife who only wants to make a safe home for her family.“

UPPS:  “Simple housewife? How does that square with your multi-million-dollar book contracts, your mega-million-dollar Fox News programs and all those hundred-thousand dollar speaking engagements?“

PALIN:  “Oh, I’m just taking advantage of a few extra dollars where I can. A woman has to look to the future you know.“

UPPS:  “Do you think being president is good for your family’s future?“

PALIN:  “My being president will be good for everyone’s future in our christian nation. I’m the only one who can get this country back on track, back to the core christian values our forefathers founded our country on. I’m the only hope we have left.  Without me, the country is guaranteed to go to hell in a hand basket“

UPPS:  “So, you say you are the ONLY one who can save us?“

PALIN:  “You, betcha, Hugh. I think so.“

UPPS:  “Well, they say you are far behind some of the others in the polls, like Romney and Ron Paul.  Maybe even Rick Perry in Texas.“

PALIN:  “Not a problem, Hugh. I can kick their butts anytime I want to.“

UPPS:  “How do you figure?“

PALIN:  “Well, you can forget about Rick Perry. He’s just a pretty-faced cheerleader and he's now about to get his pretty butt kicked by some panty-waist liberal democrat of all things, down there in Texas as we speak.

UPPS:  “Aren’t you sort of thought of as being a pretty-faced pin-up girl yourself?”

PALIN:  “Not at all.  I’m just a plain and simple Alaska girl.  If I happen to seem cute to some people, what about it?”

UPPS:  “Okay. What about the other competition besides Perry?“

PALIN:  “Ron Paul will probably die of old age before the nomination.  And Romney, he is Mormon you know.“

UPPS:  “Does that make a difference?“

PALIN:  “Well, yes, you betcha.  Mormons are not really christians you know. They say they are some kinda ‘Merican jews.  They call themselves God’s chosen you know and I just have to laugh at that.  Everyone knows God always choses christians! I have the christian vote all sewed up!“

UPPS:  “You do?“

PALIN:  “You betcha, Hugh!  When it comes to bible-thumping, with my credentials I can out-thump the best of them.  And, how many other Republicans can say they have actually been exorcised?  And, maybe you didn’t notice, but I have personally interceded and called on God’s divine intervention on that oil spill in the gulf.  I have absolute faith God will answer my prayers and stop that gusher. When that happens I’m  a shoo-in, not only for the Republican nomination, but for the presidential election itself. I’m sure of that.“

UPPS:  “Wow!  You’re kidding, right?“

PALIN:  “Not at all, Hugh.  I’m as serious as a heart attack.  God is 100% on my side.“

UPPS:  “What if God doesn’t answer your prayers about the oil spill?”

PALIN:  ‘That will be because he will have another purpose and that will be his will. I can guess, but I don’t always know what God’s will will be. I do know it will always be for a higher purpose and I can’t chose to try to second guess God.  Ever. I would never try to place myself above God, Hugh, no matter how tempting that might be.”

UPPS:  “That’s good to know, but there are lot’s of other constituencies out there besides christians. What about the others?“

PALIN:  “Well Hugh, for one thing, when I have my way only good christians will ever be allowed to vote.  And, remember; the Tea Party people absolutely adore me. I consider them the real ‘Mericans and have lots more faith in them than all those intellectuals and smart acting college people all put together. I’ve got 100% of the Tea Party support plus the trailer trash folks. I personally invented the Tea Party you know.“

UPPS:  “I thought the movement was started by Glenn Beck of Fox News.“

PALIN:  “Oh, he helped some, but the movement is mine“

UPPS:  “Are you conservative enough for the neo-cons and folks like the National Rifle Association?“

PALIN:  “Hugh, you’re kidding right? You haven’t seen all those pictures and videos of me shooting automatic weapons? I’ve got all the militias and the black helicopter crowds and all the other crazies all sewed up.You just can’t get any more conservative than I am.  In fact, I would say I qualify as ‘THE Conservative’ in God’s good ol’ US of A. God has chosen me to be our country’s savior, Hugh.“

UPPS:  “Okay then. If you are elected president of the US what changes will you make?“

PALIN:  “Well Hugh first off, I’d lower all taxes of course - completely eliminate them if I can. Income and property taxes will be a thing of the hateful past and we’ll return to the policies of 1776 when our country was founded. We’ll finance things with fees on the poor and the illegal immigrants and things like non-christian schools, churches and synagogues. Then I’d get rid of social security, medicare and all those other socialist programs that are bleeding us dry. I’d double our military forces to protect the country through preemptive strikes against those countries we suspect are threats, like Iran and North Korea and maybe Cuba and France. I’d free up corporations so they can make money and not be hamstrung by all those stupid OSHA and EPA rules and stuff. I’d get rid of public schools and let the market dictate how many schools we should have, all privately financed.  If God wants people to go to school, he will provide them the money.“

UPPS:  “If you do away with all the social programs, what will those who depend on them do?“

PALIN:  “Oh, I wouldn’t do away with all the programs. I’d keep the police and border patrol and stuff like that. For everything else, the people can depend on God just like I do.“

UPPS:  “What about the disabled, and the poor children, the aged and infirm?“

PALIN:  “God will take care of them. When God is ready he will let them die so he can take them home to Jesus if they’re christians. “

UPPS:  “What about all the people who aren’t christians?“

PALIN:  “They will all go straight to hell where they belong. In fact, I don’t know but what God will just go ahead and send them straight to hell right away just as soon as I get in office. It’s just all those socialist programs that enable them to stay around now you know.  That’s what I want to do away with, Hugh.“

UPPS:  “That’s sort of cold don’t you think?“

PALIN:  “Not at all, Hugh. Hell is hot for one thing. And, if they haven’t found God and accepted Jesus by now, they deserve to roast in hell.“

UPPS:  “What about the poor and disadvantaged christians?”

PALIN:  “Well Hugh, God will provide for them until he decides it’s time to take them home to Jesus. Then, he will let them die.”

UPPS:  “Wow!“

PALIN:  “Yep.“

UPPS:  “I’ve heard some people say the reason Republicans adore you so much is you tend to make George W. Bush seem smart.“

PALIN:  “Well hugh, I hope that’s not an insult from you.  And, since I’m a christian lady let me just say those folks can all just go Cheney themselves.“

UPPS:  “I don’t mean it as an insult Ms. Palin, just an observation. So, you do consider yourself intelligent and well-rounded?“

PALIN:  “Well all right then, Hugh.  You betcha. I’m just as intelligent and as well-rounded as anybody needs to be.“

UPPS:  “So, you read books and newspapers and such now?“

PALIN:  “You betcha.“

UPPS:  “Which ones have you read lately?“

PALIN:  “I’ll have to get back to ya on that, hugh.“

UPPS:  “ I noticed you’ve made some major errors in some of the things you’ve said. Like Obama’s ‘death squads’, about the ‘Bridge to Nowhere’, about Obama palling around with terrorists and all sorts of other things.  Some people would call your statements outright lies in fact.  How do you defend those things? “

PALIN:  “Hugh, I didn’t lie and I wasn’t wrong.  I was just misinformed.“

UPPS:  “Are you often misinformed?“

PALIN:  “All the time, Hugh. Almost every day. I can’t help that, Hugh.  Just remember:  It is always the misinformer’s fault, not mine.“

UPPS:  “Have you made any mistakes?“

PALIN:  “None that I actually know about. I might have a few regrets.“

UPPS:  “Like what?“

PALIN:  “Hugh, let me get back to ya on that.”

UPPS:  “Well, I see our time is up Ms. Palin.  I will say goodbye now and thanks for your time.“

PALIN:  “Not at all, Hugh.  You’re perfectly welcome.“


* This is an imaginary interview with Sarah Palin to illuminate her philosophies, if one may call them that.

Christians in the Deep South

I live in the deep south now, way, way down there, in the Stephen Foster, ‘way down on the Suwanee River’ country.  I went for a drive around my town a few days ago and ran across a neighbor a couple miles away who I at first assumed to be of the Christian persuasion .  The reason I thought this was all the signs with biblical connotations posted around the yard and on the fence.  Of course, the large 15’ cross planted in the yard was a big hint too.

There were signs saying:  “Iniquity”,  “Covetousness”,  “Incest”,  “Personal-Sin”,  “Disobedience”,  “Transgression”, “Outcast”,  “Living Water”, “Repent”.  All those signs seemed to be spelled right too, except for one written “Hispanios” - but maybe that was spelled right in another language, which upon checking, it seems to be. So, I am thinking, ‘here lives a literate, concerned southern Christian’.

Then, I noticed signs with racial, connotations including:  “Racism”,  “Negroes”,  “Whites”,  “Mexicans”,  “Guatamalans”,  “Hispanics”,  “Blacks”, “Colored”.  So, now I’m thinking, ‘here lives a literate, concerned southern Christian accepting of many racial types’. . . . .

But, then, I noticed more signs with distinctly racist overtones, like: “Niggers Repent”, and my personal favorite: “White Niggers Serving Hood”.  So, now I’m thinking, ‘here lives some kind of literate, southern Christian person, concerned with racial things, and who is in fact a rabid racist’. . . .

Then, lo and behold, I noticed even more signs with words saying, “God”, and “Queen”.  So, now I’m thinking, ‘here lives a rabid, racist, literate, southern Christian person who also just happens to be an anglophile!’, thinking of course by word association in terms of the phrase ‘God Save The Queen’ . . .

Wow!

Then, I noticed another sign, far back, sort of behind the house saying “Welcome”.  Somehow, that one just didn’t seem to go with the rest. Now, I didn’t know what in hell to think!  What kind of neighbor was this anyway?

Oh wait!  Might this just be Sarah Palin’s secret southern Tea Party hideaway?  Seems I’ve heard somewhere she doesn’t really like neighbors does she . . .? 

No, no.  That couldn’t be it, since there was also a sign labeled “Tammy”.  Unless of course Tammy might be be Sarah’s rabidly racist literate, southern Christian Anglophilic secret lesbian lover. . . . . ?

No, no, wait . . . no references to guns, abortion or death panels at all, plus, most of those Tea Partiers are some of the most atrocious spellers.  So that can’t be it.

Hmm . . . . Wait!  Wait!  Wait! Ann Coulter's secret southern hideaway without a doubt!

*Black-Balled from the Tea Party Movement

I’d seen so much about the Tea Party recently I thought I might look into it.  I found the nearest group online on a site called ‘Tea Party Patriots’.  I got a local guy’s name and phone number so I gave him a call:

Me:  “Hi.  I’m Erik and I’m trying to find out about the Tea Party movement.”
Voice on other end:  “Well, you’ve called the right guy all right.  I’m Jimmie Ray Smith and I’m the organizer of our local group. Whatcha wanta know?  “

Me:  “Well, first off I want to know what the Tea Party is all about  “
Jimmie Ray:  “That’s easy.  We wanta take back our country.“

Me:  “Take it back?  From who? It's gone missing? Who’s got it now?“
Jimmie Ray:  “You been living in a vacuum or something? The communists and dimmycrat socialists and Muslims of course.  Anybody can see that.“

Me:  “Well I’ve been living in this country all my life and I haven’t noticed that.“
Jimmie Ray:  “You some kinda subversive or something?  Anybody can see Barack Hussein Obama is their puppet leader.  What are you, some kind of a dimmycrat calling to make trouble? “

Me:  “No, I’m a political independent and just want to educate myself about what’s going on and check out what the Tea Party is all about.“
Jimmie Ray:  “Oh yeah, sure.  All that crap about ‘education’ is just code words  by so-called intellectuals for promoting socialism and taking over the gummint.  Hell, I graduated high school and that’s good enough for me.  My folks never even done that. “

Me:  “I can see and appreciate that.“
Jimmie Ray:  “Whut?  You tryin’ to be a smart ass or sumptin?“

Me:  “Oh, no, no.  I mean I can see you don’t need a lot of education to be a political organizer.“
Jimmie Ray:  “Well all right then.  Lemme ask you sumpthin though -  you say you’re an independent, but do you vote mostly for dimmycrats or republicans?“

Me:  “Some of both I’d say, and sometimes for independents who aren’t in any particular party.“
Jimmie Ray:  “How’s about libertarians?  You ever voted for any of them?“

Me:  “Well no, not yet, but I would certainly consider them if they were for the same things I am.“
Jimmie Ray:  “Well are they?  How’s about Rand Paul.  Whut you think about him?“

Me:  “Well, I admire his willingness to be involved, but I have some problems with some things he’s said.“
Jimmie Ray:  “Like whut?  Be careful now.“

Me:  “What do you mean ‘be careful’?  Do I have to agree with him to be part of the Tea Party?“
Jimmie Ray:  “Well maybe not all the way, but we really like that boy.  And we are firm in our positions.  You know, limited government, free trade and accountability. You got a problem with whut Rand Paul says?“

Me:  “He said private businesses ought not to be subject to the Civil Rights Act.“
Jimmie Ray:  “Well, they shouldn’t.  That goes against the people’s freedom to discriminate if they want to.  Nobody is gonna tell me or any other Tea Partier who to like and who not to like.“

Me:  “That’s not what the Civil Rights Act does.  It merely guarantees freedom of access and opportunity to all, no matter the race, color, religion or national origin.“
Jimmie Ray:  “You think foreigners ought to have the right to just come into this country and take things over, like all them illegal immigrants?“

Me:  “No, or course not.  I didn’t say a word about illegal immigration.  But, I do think anyone legally in this country should have the same rights and privileges as anyone.   And anyway, from what I can see, illegal immigrants aren’t taking over a gosh-darned thing except menial jobs nobody else wants.“
Jimmie Ray:  “Huh!  So, you think some damned Spic or Mex or Dago or black African ought to have the same rights as anyone else, somebody who prob’ly cain’t even speak God’s own English?“

Me:  “Of course I do as long as they’re in the country legally.“
Jimmie Ray:  “Well, based on that alone you prob’ly ain’t cut out to be a Tea Partier!“

Me:  “I’m not?“
Jimmie Ray:  “Oh hell no.  We believe to save the country we have to go back to what our founding fathers believed in.  You cain’t help but see they were all good Christian white people, all men in fact, and they all believed in speaking English, free trade, no taxes and the right for everyone to own assault weapons.“

Me:  “Well, besides the fact assault weapons weren’t even invented then, they weren’t all Christians, and many of them believed in slavery and owned slaves.“
Jimmie Ray:  “Well there you go!  Look what a great country they created with those values and standards - and slavery was a big help!  Looks whut’s happened since they did away with that.  And, whut you been smoking anyway?  Everyone knows they were all good christians.“

Me:  “Well, historically and actually several were agnostics, and others were deists.“
Jimmie Ray:  “Name one!  I challenge you to name just one who wasn’t a good Christian!  Anyway, what in hell is an agnostic?“

Me:  “An agnostic is someone who believes no one can say who or what a god really is or if there actually is a god at all.  And, for starters Benjamin Franklin was a deist. A diest is not a christian for your information.  Thomas Jefferson did not believe in a divine Jesus’, and it was Jefferson himself who insisted the separation of church and state be written into our Constitution.  He was helped by James Madison who himself was considered a deist.  In fact it is said at least six US presidents never thought of themselves as christians:  Washington; Adams; Jefferson; Madison; Monroe; Adams; Jackson.“
Jimmie Ray:  “Well, that there was a mistake, by God!  Worst thing they ever done!  Ever’body knows this ought to be a christian nation!  And, not only that, we need to be the RIGHT KIND of Christian.  They ought to take all them agnostics out and shoot ‘em! “

Me:  “And, if you’re talking about illegal immigration, why at least nine of the signers of the Declaration of Independence would have been considered illegal if they lived today.“
Jimmie Ray:  “You some kinda subversive or something?  Where you getting all this left wing baloney?“

Me:  “It’s part of recorded history I’ve learned by reading and educating myself..“
Jimmie Ray:  “Well there you go again!  That kind of recorded history we can do without! You sound just like some kind of elitist swishy intellectual who thinks his crap don’t stink.  Prob’ly cain’t find your ass with both hands.  I have to tell you, right now it sure seems like you ain’t very good Tea Party material!“

Me:  “Yes, I did go to school, and college too, plus I like to read a lot.  I find it helps me keep up with things and decide between what’s good and what’s not, and right and wrong.“
Jimmie Ray:  “I think too much readin’ jist rots your brain.  I get ever’thing I need to know off Fox News on TV.“

Me:  “You mean like Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin?“
Jimmie Ray:  “There you go!  Beck’s got the answers and Palin’s hot!“

Me:  “Well, it might help you to know Glenn Beck dropped out of college after one semester, and amongst other things, is an admitted drug addict and alcoholic?  And, that Palin’s been wrong so many times and said so many stupid things her hot’s wearing off.“
Jimmie Ray:  “See?  Beck didn’t need no high-fallutin’ education to make it big!  And all that drug and alcohol crap is just old stuff dug up by liberals and dimmycrats to make him look bad.  Besides, anybody can make a mistake and Glenn’s asked Jesus for forgiveness.  And I don’t care whut they say about Sarah, she’s just a plain ol’ ever’day person like me, plus she’s hot.  I’d do her in a New York minute if I had a chance.“

Me:  “I’m sure you would.   But, Palin is a proven quitter for sure.  She walked out on the people of Alaska when she resigned her governor’s job.“
Jimmie Ray:  “She had a right to do that.  Ever’body was after her.“

Me:  “Like those investigations?“
Jimmie Ray:  “Yeah.  They ought to leave that poor woman alone. She’s suffered enough.“

Me:  “Her bank sure doesn’t think she’s suffering all that much. But, do you know the one reason she won the governor’s job in the first place was by accusing her opponents and having ethics investigations made on them?“
Jimmie Ray:  “Don’t matter if she did.  It’s different when they go after her like that.  And after all she's been through, she deserves all those big bucks.“

Me:  “Well, I sure don’t have a good answer for that.“
Jimmie Ray:  “See there? I didn’t think you would!“

Me:  “Why don’t you tell me why anyone should join the Tea Party movement?“
Jimmie Ray:  “Well, first off, I'm pretty sure you shouldn't.  In fact, we wouldn’t let you unless you agree to keep quiet about some of your fruitcake ideas.  Right now you sound too subversive and seditious to suit me. If you ain’t really a traitor, we might let you carry signs and stuff like that so long’s as we make them up for you.“

Me:  “I’m only trying to be honest with you and tell you I like to check things out and think for myself.  And I’d have a problem carrying around some of those misspelled signs I’ve seen in pictures of Tea Party demonstrations.“ 
Jimmie Ray:  “Well, that right there rules you out for damned sure.  Good-bye.“

Me (to myself on empty telephone line):  “Sure sounds like a bunch of wigged out,  narrow-minded, simplistic, evangelical Republicans to me.“

*This is a conversation with an imagined Tea Party organizer.

How to Tell If You May Be a Tea Party Whacko

Lately I’ve been troubled about how to define the Tea Party people.  They seem to come from all over the map. It is claimed some are Democrats (Polls show 5%).  A very many are conservative Republicans, and Libertarians to be sure, and many seem to come from radicalized fringe groups like militias and white supremacists.

From the hodgepodge of misspelled and mis-punctuated signs they like to wave about, it is fairly obvious many Tea Partiers are borderline illiterates.  Some seem to be way over the border in fact. And, many Tea Partiers seem to be otherwise normal people who have been mobilized from the complacent, self-satisfied comfort of their sofas and arm chairs to attend the meetings.   There they worship their intellectually challenged heros like Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin who are the ones who mobilized them in the first place.

After a good bit of though I have discerned many commonalities which help describe the disparate group of people who call themselves Tea Partiers.   It was simply a matter of sitting down and giving the issue sufficient thought.  I am sharing my conclusions with everyone in the hopes it will help those who may suspect they may be whackos themselves to draw their own conclusions.  Shown below is my ‘calculator’ which will help you decide.  Simply enter an ‘X’ or checkmark in the boxes for the characteristics which describe you, then total the number of marks you make.  A convenient scoring index at the bottom will help you decide for sure:

(Double-click on the chart below to expand)

*A Modern American Tea Party

John McCain called me last night.  “There’s gonna be a Tea Party tomorrow.  Six O’Clock.” he said.  “And by the way, I don’t know how everyone got the idea, but I AM NOT ANY DAMNED MAVERICK!  Just because I wrote that damned book with the sub-title, The Education of an American Maverick doesn’t mean I am one!  Who’d a ever thunk?”.

“But never mind all that.  The party is at Newt Gingrich’s place over on Denial Road.  Newt is going as March Hare, bless his old, retrograde soul. I need to warn you too, Glenn Beck will be there, and he’s mad as a hatter.  He even calls himself ‘the Hatter’ like he’s proud of it, and goes around bragging about his ‘tea partying’.   When he’s not crying that is. On the other hand the White Queen Sarah Palin will be there too, which should make up for the Hatter, even it gets pretty tiring hearing all her bragging about how she really IS a maverick.  God, what an impossible woman!”

But hard as I tried, I still got to the party two hours late.

“Oh, no matter,” said the Hatter at the door.  “It’s six o’clock here on Denial Road.”

I looked at the clock over the mantel and sure enough it read six o’clock.  “How ever can that be?” I wondered out loud. 

“Oh, me’n old Newt, and Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter and Pat Robertson and a whole bunch of other red necks keep trying to turn the clock back.” said Hatter. “Turns out that’s really hard and unconstitutional and all, but we have managed to stop the damned thing.  Would you like some tea?”

He held out a cup, but the moment I reached for it he threw it over his left shoulder and laughed like a banshee.

“You can’t sit there!” he screamed as I nervously moved towards a chair. “That’s a true patriot’s chair!  And you’re not a true patriot even if you did serve our country and I never did. I had good, compelling, patriotic reasons and decided to serve in other ways.  Besides, it paid one helluva lots better.  But, not to change the subject, answer me this. “Why is a raven like a writing desk?"

Bewildered, and beginning to feel a bit uneasy, I said, “Well, I’m sure I don’t know. . . . because Poe wrote on both?”

“I didn’t think you’d know!” he cried as he broke into large, wet tears and slobber ran freely down his chin.  “Please God! Anybody got any Oxycotin?  Hard liquor? Oh, God,  I didn’t think so!  That socialist Obama is going to have a death panel decapitate me!  I have it on indisputable authority! And his health care plan is going to save so much money it will wreck the economy!  Look how many insurance company CEO’s it will put on the street.  Oh woe is us, oh woe is us!”

“But, you’re not in the insurance business.” I felt I should point out.

“Not so!  Not so!” he screamed.  “I’m on the payroll of over 27 insurance companies.  Not officially of course, but like they take really good care of real and true patriots like me.”

I started to ease towards the door, but the White Queen appeared on the scene before I could get through.  Hatter screamed in ecstasy.  “Sarah!  Sarah!  Thank God you’re here to stand up for patriotic Americans! You’re the only thing standing between us and the Russians!”

“Praise the Lord,  and lock and load, you betcha!” smiled Sarah.  “Anybody seen my lipstick?  Gotta reload you know.”

I noticed the Queen’s crown was a little crooked and gently mentioned it to her.

“Not a problem.  When you’ve got the Lord on your side, nothing is ever really out of kilter.’ she said.  “But, even if it is you can pray it away.  You can pretty much do as you like.  Rational doesn’t matter.  In fact, reality doesn’t even need to compute for a true Christian like me, praise the Lord!”

I heard a loud ‘amen’ from Pat Robertson across the room.  But the White Queen whispered, “Pay him no mind.  No matter what he claims, I know he hasn’t been perfected yet.  I’ve had the demons cast out of me, and he never has.”

“But, aren’t you two on the same page?” I asked.

“Oh yes, we both do the Lord’s work.” she replied. “And so far it’s been paying pretty well for both of us.  But, Pat’s in the actual God business, and I only get him to help me out when I need him.  The Lord’s mighty helpful in politics these days you know.  Anyway, Pat is a has been.  I’m the here and now.  In fact, I’m the future! But, enough about me.  Who are you anyway?”

I looked at the floor for a moment and said,  “I'm just your average, normal everyday American.”

“Oh, you mean like Joe Six-Pack and Joe the Plumber?” she smiled.

“Not exactly.” I said. “Actually, I read and pay attention to things around me.  Also, I speak pretty good English and and can spell actual words and really respect education, sobriety, calmness, deliberation, thoughtfulness and common sense.”

The Queen sniffed.  “Oh, those things!  Not that important.  Just look at me!  Guys like Joe Six-pack are just the salt of the earth, or at least the salt of the good old US of A.  Those guys are the ‘real America’.  And, they’re so, so easy to control.  They’re the heart of the Tea Party movement you know.  They believe absolutely everything we feed them - especially if I wiggle my ass a little and give ‘em a cutesy smile, silly putzes!  You can’t go wrong with a gun either.  They eat that crap up.  That’s why I love those words like ‘reload’ and ‘don’t tread on me’.  Keeps me in the public eye you know, and that’s the main thing.”

The party didn’t last long and there weren’t that many there altogether.  I said my good byes as politely as I could and eased away.  I don’t think I will go to another one.

*This is an imaginary, spoof story, with all kinds of intended resemblance to the real thing.

Sarah Palin Gives Herself a Hand Job on National TV

Sarah Palin proudly demonstrated she is a woman of the people in her speech at the Tea Party convention the other day. To make a political point, she rejected the use of a teleprompter as a speech aid and joked about Obama’s use of the device.  Instead Palin used her own left hand as her personal mnemonic device and employed it rather conspicuously, though perhaps not wishing to seem so deliberate about it. Or, maybe her hand job display was her way of emphasizing her rejection of the ‘new’ and all that ‘hope-y change-y’ stuff.

Palin’s supporters love her for her anti-intellectualism and her folksy, red-necky style. Many conservative Republicans, never known for their intellectual rigor or academic savvy in the first place, seem to prefer the proudly ignorant ‘common sense’ candidates - and, apparently, the denser and commoner the better. Else, how can you possibly explain phenomenons like GW Bush, or Sarah Palin? I probably shouldn’t even mention Dan Quayle, as that tends to rile up conservative Republicans too much.

Sarah seems to passionately embrace being proudly ignorant, even though she does admit to reading newspapers - ‘all of ‘em’. And, Sarah shows little desire or motivation to remedy her hopeless ignorance. Like so many conservatives, she seems to prefer things ‘exactly as they are right now’.  In fact, we’re told her advisors are working hard on a new Palin slogan to go something like: “With me, you can  count on no change at all, ever - unless I quit again of course.”  Or, perhaps, “I may be a quitter, but I’m certainly not very literate”. Or, “Rationality is just not my thing.”

The phenomenon of Sarah Palin illuminates a stark political fact:People can and will completely overlook, excuse and forgive behavior and deficiencies in someone they agree with, when the very same things in someone they disagree with will make them go postal. There is no arguing with that kind of conviction because facts and reality are rendered beside the point and simply are not allowed to be part of the equation.Literally anything can be justified with enough conviction.

Maybe it often seems bizarre, but at least Sarah Palin always provides everyone with an entertaining spectacle, complete with the occasional hand job.

The Day The Devil Scored Big

It was a great day for Hell.

The weather was overcast and cloudy and spitting a little snow occasionally in Nashville, Tennessee that day. It started out as just another day for Lucifer. He was out to claim more souls for hell, and he expected, good, perhaps extraordinary success on this particular day.  Since it was a raw day, Lucifer wore his red sweater under his windbreaker. He wore a hat too of course, for besides protecting his shiny bald head from the chill, it also conveniently concealed his horns.

The Devil was in a particularly good mood that morning. His daily incoming status email report already listed an unexpected bump in the day’s intake. Four Wall Street bankers and three insurance company CEO’s had all bought the farm together in a crash involving a charter flight headed to a golf outing to Palm Springs. All seven were undergoing processing at the Purgatory Intake Center. Lumped together with the regular daily crop of deceased politicians, Catholic pedophile priests, pathological killers, Mormon elders, used car salesmen, Baptist preachers, child molesters, wife beaters and the usual daily intake of lobbyists, petty thieves and assorted other riffraff and lowlife, it would turn into a very good day indeed.

Lucifer was embarked on his daily chore of signing up future work. He had spent a lot of time prospecting for souls in Nashville over the years. Being the virtual buckle on the bible belt, it was of course prime productive territory to begin with.  But, on this particular day, Nashville was very, very special indeed. The Tea Party convention was in town - and the place was certain to be full of God hollerers and simple-minded bible thumpers - all excellent candidates for the devil’s workshop.  Lucifer actually licked his lips at the juicy prospects as he headed for the Gaylord Opryland Hotel, the actual venue for the event.

“May I help you Sir?” asked the respectful clerk behind the desk as Lucifer approached.

“Yes,” said Lucifer. “I’m here for the Tea Party convention. Where do I register?”

“Yes Sir,” answered the clerk. “right down there to your left.   You’ll find the registration desk set up in the center of the lobby there.”

But the Devil received a rude shock when he approached the registration counter. “That’ll be $595 plus a $9.95 fee, plus tax.” said the white-haired registration lady with a tight, grim smile. “The total is $662 even.”

“$662 for a goddamned two day, two-bit political convention for a bunch of simple-minded bozos?” the Devil exploded. “That’s freaking outrageous!”

“Yes, I’m sorry Sir.” answered the registration lady. “But, don’t forget, most of these folks are GOPers, and this event was organized by GOPers and you know how our people are on the subject of money and profit. Besides, I know exactly who you are. You’re bound to make out big time here today.”

Had it been possible, Lucifer would have turned redder - but his complexion was already at its limit. “How in Hell do you know that?” he demanded as he looked at the lady more closely.

“Let’s just say I have my ways.” said the white-haired lady. “I’ve been around a long, long time and I’ve seen the sinners come and go. Besides, I guess you don’t remember me, but you signed me up yourself at George W. Bush’s first inauguration.”

Lucifer smiled. Of course he did remember. He never forgot a soul once signed up. It was just she had a new hairdo, with blueing - and after all, nearly ten years had passed. He paid his tab and passed on into the convention hall. It was full of people he recognized immediately. For Lucifer put his special marks on signed souls so he could pick out his former victims easily, so as not to waste his time: A grim, judgmental set to the countenance, with downturned, tightly pursed lips, a hunted look, and with eyes that darted furtively were just a few of the signs.  The goddamned place was full of people with his signs. Maybe prospecting wouldn’t be so good after all.

But, he soon brightened up. Of course the stage was already completely full of signed souls, but the first few rows of spectator seats had a hefty proportion of candidates. Eager, and angry looking people, but without that hunted look - yet. Lucifer would work hard to change all that. He sat down next to a large, well-fed fat lady.

“How do?” he said, dropping into the local idiom. The large woman looked at him suspiciously.

“I’m Aidan Messor from Brimstone, Louisiana.” Lucifer smiled warmly as he stuck out his hand. The fat lady reluctantly gave him three pulpy fingers, overhand, like over ripe bananas hanging from a stalk.

“Trinity Jones.” the fat lady said, glaring at him. “Milwaukee.”

“I’m really looking forward to hearing Sarah Palin’s talk.” said Lucifer.

“Oh, I just love her so much.” Trinity Jones gushed immediately. “She’s so down to earth and real and all. I wish I could be as beautiful and smart as she is!”

“Well, you’re already as beautiful, and I can easily show you how to be as wonderful and smart and popular as Sarah is. In fact, I’m the very one who showed Sarah how to do it.” said Lucifer with an easy grin as he started into his standard spiel.  Trinity Jones turned her full attention to him, intrigued. This one was already almost in the bag!

And, the entire day went that way, easy pickings all the way, all day long - one hundred and sixteen signed contracts and counting. Lucifer was exhausted by the time Sarah Palin launched into her speech.  He turned to what he decided to be his last and final mark.

“How do, I’m Aidan Messor from Brimstone, Louisiana.” he said to the wizened little old man.

“Rafer Fortis” said the old guy.  “Fort Wayne.  I’m just here to check things out.  So far, I’m not too impressed.  Figure I ain’t got a whole lot’s for my money yet.  Damned sure not what I expected.”

“Me neither.” said Lucifer.  “What were you expecting?  Exactly what are you looking for?”

“Well, a damned sight more than what that silly-assed airhead Sarah Palin’s giving us.” said the old guy. “I wanted this simple-minded crap, I’da stayed home with the old lady. Least they coulda given us someone like that Ann Coulter. Now, her I could listen to all day long.”

Lucifer smiled. “What if I could work it out for you to have a personal audience with Ann? What would that be worth to you?”

“Hell, I’d give my very soul for that!” said Rafer Fortis. “But, how in Hell you gonna do that? You something special or something?"

“Not a problem.” said Lucifer with a wide, warm smile, another soul already as good as done.  “See, Ann is my sister.”

Sarah Palin is NOT the Wicked, Whacko Witch of the West!

Sarah Palin is an extraordinarily special person. God takes the time to directly plan for her. That’s what she said after her nomination to be Senator John McCain’s Vice Presidential running mate according to Steve Schmidt, McCain’s top campaign strategist. Schmidt said he asked Palin about her serenity in the face of becoming "one of the most famous people in the world." He quoted her as saying, "It's God's plan."But who’s to know really? Schmidt also said Palin was inaccurate and not truthful  - which we all know can not be so. By now everyone recognizes how well Sarah Palin always and invariably adheres to the strict, literal truth. She carefully checks all her facts and sticks strictly to reality.  Always and no ifs, ands or buts.

But, what is really bothering me is this: If God is directly making plans for Sarah Palin, what about the rest of us? Will God have any time left for the rest of us, or are we just not special enough? And, another thing - exactly which God is taking all this time to do Sarah Palin’s planning?  Jehovah?  Allah?  Jesus?  Thor? Or, is it the creator Sun God Ra, or the Egyptian Cow Goddess Bat? I am really, really seriously discomfited by all this. I suppose I am just confused by all the multiplicity of gods out there and having a lot of trouble deciding which one to follow, or to ask to intercede on my behalf. After all, there are thousands of gods out there.

But Sarah Palin does not have this problem. She obviously knows EXACTLY which God to invoke. That right there gives you some idea of how very special she is, which brings up another, entirely new question for me: What the dickens makes Sarah Palin so darned special anyway? Was she special born - like Jesus? Did she win some secret God lottery? Did the Pope appoint her? Like I said, I am confused.

There is one thing we really do know for sure about Sarah Palin: She probably no longer has any Devils, Witches or Evil Demons left in her.   Maybe she did before, but no more! That’s because they were all exorcised in a public ceremony at the Assembly of God Church in Wasilla, Alaska.

Unless of course some Evil Demons or Witches have somehow re-entered her since somehow. But, Sarah is so special I just can’t see that happening. That will lay to rest all those insinuations by anyone who disagrees with her - characterized as “Vicious Palin Haters” by Sarah’s supporters.

Some even go around claiming Sarah Palin is really is the ‘Wicked, Whacko, Witch of the West” and hoping an Alaskan farmhouse will fall on her.  But, some God or the other must have different plans for Sarah Palin.  Like becoming the 2012 presidential nominee for the Teabagger Party and totally spoiling that election for Republicans.

But, I could be wrong. She might also simply just self-destruct or disappear, like a Cheeto at a Weight Watcher's meeting.

* Update: As this little story was being written, a larger event was taking place.  The Fox News cable channel announced Palin will be joining their network.

“I am thrilled to be joining the great talent and management team at Fox News. It’s wonderful to be part of a place that so values fair and balanced news.” Palin said.

Oh, Yeah!

This places Palin squarely astride the network which also includes another renowned flatulist, indeed, the very founder of the Teabagger phenomenon. I can see the bumper stickers now:  “The Flatulist and Beckerhead - 2012: Unum saltum et siffletum et unum bumbulum”

Profoundly Stupid Statements

I am bereft.  Maybe it was the holidays and people were focused on other things.  But, I am feeling so starved lately for Profoundly Stupid Statements.  Since the change of administrations a year ago there has been a real drought of really, Profoundly Stupid Statements.  I think we all got spoiled by the absolute surfeit of Profoundly Stupid Statements during the last decade until this year.

Oh sure, we’ve had quite a few since Obama went in office coming from the so-called ‘Conservative’ faction.  Statements about Death Panels, statements comparing a national health care plan to the Nazi Third Reich and such like.  But nothing like what went on before during the Bush years.

 And, who can forget GW Bush’s absolute treasure trove of such things as:


"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions.  I can't answer your question.", or,

“ . . .I don't know that atheists should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God.”

(That one sort of reminds me former governor “Ma” Ferguson of Texas saying many years ago,  “If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, then it's good enough for Texas.” )

And then, so much came from Bush’s staff, like White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer’s:

“It's incumbent on those who believe Iraq has no weapons of mass destruction to come forward and tell us where they are.”

And, from his Attorney General john Ashcroft:  “I feel the best way to ensure Americans' freedom is to tighten restrictions on that freedom in any way possible. Only through wiretaps, illegal searches and seizures, unfettered government intrusion, a controlled media and a complete crackdown on free speech can we ensure the liberties of all people." 

And, from Bush's FEMA director Michael Brown  after Hurricane Katrina:  "Considering the dire circumstances that we have in New Orleans, virtually a city that has been destroyed, things are going relatively well." 

Of course Brown then received his deserved congratulations from President Bush at the time:  “You’re doing a heckuva job Brownie!”


(Maybe I'm making the rash assumption here that Bush was referring to the thorough brown-nosing job he was getting from Brownie.)

Dubya’s mother, not to be left out, when asked if she ever thought about the dead American soldiers returning home from Iraq replied sweetly:  "why should I waste my beautiful mind on that?" 

Maybe it’s a family thing because coming from his father before him was the delightful: “The Democrats just want to ram it down my ear with a victory!”

Sarah Palin all on her lonesome seems to be trying to file the void - with a bit of help from others.  One of my favorite Sarah Palin claims is her theory the “In God We Trust” motto (completely unconstitutional by the by) being moved to the edges of coins is a conspiracy by the Obama administration. In fact, the decision was made in 2007 under Bush and later reversed by Congress.  And who can ever forget Palin's claim about reading newspapers to Katie Couric: "All of 'em, any of 'em that have been in front of me over all these years."


You betcha!

And I loved it when asked about her duties of Vice President she answered,  "As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?" 

Equally priceless is Palin’s remark made when resigning as governor of Alaska (quitting):  "It may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand: 'Sit down and shut up,' but that's the worthless, easy path; that's a quitter's way out."

Congress often got into the Profoundly Stupid Statement act as well:

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN):  "I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out under another, then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence."

Sen. Orrin Hatch, (R-UT): “Capital punishment is our way of demonstrating the sanctity of life.”

Former Sen. Larry Craig, (R-ID):  "I have a wide stance." (After being caught soliciting gay sex in the men’s room at the airport)

Former Sen. Rick Santorum, (R-PA): “ Isn't that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending marriage?"

Former Sen. Ted Stevens, (R-AK): "And again, the Internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a big truck. It's a series of tubes. "

Former Sen. Tom Delay, (R-TX), When told to stop smoking his cigar in a restaurant due to federal regulations:  "I AM the federal government."   Delay also once remarked:  "Guns have little or nothing to do with juvenile violence. The causes of youth violence are working parents who put their kids into daycare, the teaching of evolution in the schools, and working mothers who take birth control pills."

Former Governor Wally Hickel, (I-AK):  “You just can’t let nature run wild”

Former  U.S. Rep. Richard H. Baker (R-LA) after Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans: “We finally cleaned up public housing in New Orleans. We couldn't do it, but God did.”

Rep. Mary Bono Mack, (R-CA):  “This Iraqi thing will blow over”

Of course other governors besides Sarah Palin got into the act:

California’s Arnold Schwarzenegger:  "I like the color red because it's a fire. And I see myself as always being on fire.”, and,  “ I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman"

There was SC Governor Mark Sanford’s email to his Argentinian lover made public:  "I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificent gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curve of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of the night's light - but hey, that would be going into sexual details…”,

And Sanford’s remark when the details of his illicit affair became public knowledge :  This is "very damaging stuff"  (Who’d have ever thunk it?)

Even the Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele gets going:  “We need to uptick our image with everyone, including one-armed midgets."

Not to be left out, political commentators can not be stopped:

Rush Limbaugh claimed Mark Sanford would "not have had an illicit affair if his state had not been forced to take  stimulus money by the Obama Administration."  Rush claimed a depressed Sanford simply said “To hell with this!” and engaged in his affair after losing spirit.  I'm assuming he did this with a straight face.

Ann Coulter was quite succinct in saying:  "My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times Building." 

Hey, you just can’t make this stuff up!   I guess it may all just be part of a tradition going back many years:


“I’m the only person of distinction who has ever had a depression named for him.” ~  Republican President Herbert Hoover as the 'Great Depression' took hold.

For reasons of space, I am of course leaving out the Dan Quayle years here. There's a whole book in that guy in himself. But, unfortunately the eight years of GW Bush allowed him to push Quayle into second place.

And, sadly for we aficionados of Profoundly Stupid Statements, it looks like we’re going to be getting by on a bare minimum for a while.