Wednesday, June 23, 2010


Potential candidates are jockeying for the 2012 GOP presidential nomination. Some of the front runners are considered to be, not in any particular order, Sarah Palin, Mitt Romney,  Mike Huckabee, Ron Paul and possibly Governor Rick Perry of Texas.

Sarah Palin, who seems to be positioning herself for the nomination was recently interviewed by Rolling Stones magazine reporter Hugh Upps:

UPPS:  “Thanks for taking the time to meet with me Ms. Palin.“

PALIN:  “Not at all, Hugh.“

UPPS:  “It’s now being said you no longer have a chance at the Republican nomination for President in 2012. What do you have to say to that?“

PALIN:  “Well Hugh, first I’d like to say I have never sought the nomination. It’s just that everyone wants me to run and it is thrust on me. I have no personal ambitions at all you know. I’m just a simple Alaskan housewife who only wants to make a safe home for her family.“

UPPS:  “Simple housewife? How does that square with your multi-million-dollar book contracts, your mega-million-dollar Fox News programs and all those hundred-thousand dollar speaking engagements?“

PALIN:  “Oh, I’m just taking advantage of a few extra dollars where I can. A woman has to look to the future you know.“

UPPS:  “Do you think being president is good for your family’s future?“

PALIN:  “My being president will be good for everyone’s future in our christian nation. I’m the only one who can get this country back on track, back to the core christian values our forefathers founded our country on. I’m the only hope we have left.  Without me, the country is guaranteed to go to hell in a hand basket“

UPPS:  “So, you say you are the ONLY one who can save us?“

PALIN:  “You, betcha, Hugh. I think so.“

UPPS:  “Well, they say you are far behind some of the others in the polls, like Romney and Ron Paul.  Maybe even Rick Perry in Texas.“

PALIN:  “Not a problem, Hugh. I can kick their butts anytime I want to.“

UPPS:  “How do you figure?“

PALIN:  “Well, you can forget about Rick Perry. He’s just a pretty-faced cheerleader and he's now about to get his pretty butt kicked by some panty-waist liberal democrat of all things, down there in Texas as we speak.

UPPS:  “Aren’t you sort of thought of as being a pretty-faced pin-up girl yourself?”

PALIN:  “Not at all.  I’m just a plain and simple Alaska girl.  If I happen to seem cute to some people, what about it?”

UPPS:  “Okay. What about the other competition besides Perry?“

PALIN:  “Ron Paul will probably die of old age before the nomination.  And Romney, he is Mormon you know.“

UPPS:  “Does that make a difference?“

PALIN:  “Well, yes, you betcha.  Mormons are not really christians you know. They say they are some kinda ‘Merican jews.  They call themselves God’s chosen you know and I just have to laugh at that.  Everyone knows God always choses christians! I have the christian vote all sewed up!“

UPPS:  “You do?“

PALIN:  “You betcha, Hugh!  When it comes to bible-thumping, with my credentials I can out-thump the best of them.  And, how many other Republicans can say they have actually been exorcised?  And, maybe you didn’t notice, but I have personally interceded and called on God’s divine intervention on that oil spill in the gulf.  I have absolute faith God will answer my prayers and stop that gusher. When that happens I’m  a shoo-in, not only for the Republican nomination, but for the presidential election itself. I’m sure of that.“

UPPS:  “Wow!  You’re kidding, right?“

PALIN:  “Not at all, Hugh.  I’m as serious as a heart attack.  God is 100% on my side.“

UPPS:  “What if God doesn’t answer your prayers about the oil spill?”

PALIN:  ‘That will be because he will have another purpose and that will be his will. I can guess, but I don’t always know what God’s will will be. I do know it will always be for a higher purpose and I can’t chose to try to second guess God.  Ever. I would never try to place myself above God, Hugh, no matter how tempting that might be.”

UPPS:  “That’s good to know, but there are lot’s of other constituencies out there besides christians. What about the others?“

PALIN:  “Well Hugh, for one thing, when I have my way only good christians will ever be allowed to vote.  And, remember; the Tea Party people absolutely adore me. I consider them the real ‘Mericans and have lots more faith in them than all those intellectuals and smart acting college people all put together. I’ve got 100% of the Tea Party support plus the trailer trash folks. I personally invented the Tea Party you know.“

UPPS:  “I thought the movement was started by Glenn Beck of Fox News.“

PALIN:  “Oh, he helped some, but the movement is mine“

UPPS:  “Are you conservative enough for the neo-cons and folks like the National Rifle Association?“

PALIN:  “Hugh, you’re kidding right? You haven’t seen all those pictures and videos of me shooting automatic weapons? I’ve got all the militias and the black helicopter crowds and all the other crazies all sewed up.You just can’t get any more conservative than I am.  In fact, I would say I qualify as ‘THE Conservative’ in God’s good ol’ US of A. God has chosen me to be our country’s savior, Hugh.“

UPPS:  “Okay then. If you are elected president of the US what changes will you make?“

PALIN:  “Well Hugh first off, I’d lower all taxes of course - completely eliminate them if I can. Income and property taxes will be a thing of the hateful past and we’ll return to the policies of 1776 when our country was founded. We’ll finance things with fees on the poor and the illegal immigrants and things like non-christian schools, churches and synagogues. Then I’d get rid of social security, medicare and all those other socialist programs that are bleeding us dry. I’d double our military forces to protect the country through preemptive strikes against those countries we suspect are threats, like Iran and North Korea and maybe Cuba and France. I’d free up corporations so they can make money and not be hamstrung by all those stupid OSHA and EPA rules and stuff. I’d get rid of public schools and let the market dictate how many schools we should have, all privately financed.  If God wants people to go to school, he will provide them the money.“

UPPS:  “If you do away with all the social programs, what will those who depend on them do?“

PALIN:  “Oh, I wouldn’t do away with all the programs. I’d keep the police and border patrol and stuff like that. For everything else, the people can depend on God just like I do.“

UPPS:  “What about the disabled, and the poor children, the aged and infirm?“

PALIN:  “God will take care of them. When God is ready he will let them die so he can take them home to Jesus if they’re christians. “

UPPS:  “What about all the people who aren’t christians?“

PALIN:  “They will all go straight to hell where they belong. In fact, I don’t know but what God will just go ahead and send them straight to hell right away just as soon as I get in office. It’s just all those socialist programs that enable them to stay around now you know.  That’s what I want to do away with, Hugh.“

UPPS:  “That’s sort of cold don’t you think?“

PALIN:  “Not at all, Hugh. Hell is hot for one thing. And, if they haven’t found God and accepted Jesus by now, they deserve to roast in hell.“

UPPS:  “What about the poor and disadvantaged christians?”

PALIN:  “Well Hugh, God will provide for them until he decides it’s time to take them home to Jesus. Then, he will let them die.”

UPPS:  “Wow!“

PALIN:  “Yep.“

UPPS:  “I’ve heard some people say the reason Republicans adore you so much is you tend to make George W. Bush seem smart.“

PALIN:  “Well hugh, I hope that’s not an insult from you.  And, since I’m a christian lady let me just say those folks can all just go Cheney themselves.“

UPPS:  “I don’t mean it as an insult Ms. Palin, just an observation. So, you do consider yourself intelligent and well-rounded?“

PALIN:  “Well all right then, Hugh.  You betcha. I’m just as intelligent and as well-rounded as anybody needs to be.“

UPPS:  “So, you read books and newspapers and such now?“

PALIN:  “You betcha.“

UPPS:  “Which ones have you read lately?“

PALIN:  “I’ll have to get back to ya on that, hugh.“

UPPS:  “ I noticed you’ve made some major errors in some of the things you’ve said. Like Obama’s ‘death squads’, about the ‘Bridge to Nowhere’, about Obama palling around with terrorists and all sorts of other things.  Some people would call your statements outright lies in fact.  How do you defend those things? “

PALIN:  “Hugh, I didn’t lie and I wasn’t wrong.  I was just misinformed.“

UPPS:  “Are you often misinformed?“

PALIN:  “All the time, Hugh. Almost every day. I can’t help that, Hugh.  Just remember:  It is always the misinformer’s fault, not mine.“

UPPS:  “Have you made any mistakes?“

PALIN:  “None that I actually know about. I might have a few regrets.“

UPPS:  “Like what?“

PALIN:  “Hugh, let me get back to ya on that.”

UPPS:  “Well, I see our time is up Ms. Palin.  I will say goodbye now and thanks for your time.“

PALIN:  “Not at all, Hugh.  You’re perfectly welcome.“

* This is an imaginary interview with Sarah Palin to illuminate her philosophies, if one may call them that.

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