Recent press interview with President George W. Bush:
Press Secretary Scott McClelland: "Ladies and gentlemen; The President of the United States!"
GWBush: " Good afternoon everyone. Glad to be here."
Reporter's question: "Mr. President, we're told that yesterday two Brazilian soldiers were killed in iraq. Any comment?"
GWB's Response (Involuntary): "Oh my God!" (Looks beseechingly around for Press Secretary Scott McClelland) "Hey, Scottie - just how the heck many is a bazillion anyway?"
Reporter's question: "Mr. President, I'd like to hear your thoughts on the the Roe vs. Wade controversy."
GWB's Response: "Listen, I don't really care how those people got out of New Orleans, just so long as they did."
Reporter's question: "Yes Sir, Mr. President concerning Hurricane Katrina, many people have criticized the government and you for the length of time it took to evacuate New Orleans. Would you care to comment on that?"
GWB's Response: "Well, look now. It took us five weeks to evacuate Crawford, Texas when that Cindy Sheehan person was camped out around there. In comparison, I'd consider two weeks pretty darned good for New Orleans."
Reporter's question: "Mr. President, you and FEMA were severely criticized for not having a plan for New Orleans after the hurricane hit. Did you have a plan, and if so what was it?"
GWB's Response: "Well of course we have a plan. We've had one all along. I won't go into too much detail here, but it's a faith-based plan and involves a great big boat."
Reporter's question: "Mr. President, the people of New Orleans have suffered terribly. What will the federal government be able to do for them now?"
GWB's Response: "Well, listen. What really counts is that all but a few thousand of them survived and in a few years it will all be just a distant memory and we don't really need to do anything more. In fact, for most of them it's just a great big holiday. Besides, everyone is forgetting that I suffered too. I entirely lost the last three days of my vacation."
Reporter's question: "Mr. President, there's a lot of the blame game going around, and you yourself have said the federal response was unacceptable. Would you care to elaborate?"
GWB's Response: "Well of course I will. You'll remember when I told the FEMA director he was doing a heck of a job - well at that time I thought FEMA actually stood for 'Fix Everything My Ass', but have since learned it has something to do with emergencies. Anyway, you're not going to be able to blame me. Hell, I was on vacation!"
Reporter's question: "Mr. President, it took an awfully long time to send in troops to help out in New Orleans. Any comment?
GWB's Response: "Well I guess in a way it did, but you can bet we sent in all we could just as soon as I found out there was a lot of oil down there."
Reporter's question: "Mr. President, It has been reported that House Majority Leader Tom DeLay took several ethically questionable golf trips paid for by foreign lobbyists and that his wife and daughter were paid $500,000 from his own political action committee. What are your thoughts?"
GWB's Response: "These sorts of attacks just have to stop! This is just another seedy attempt by the liberal media to embarrass Republicans with our own actions, words and illegal doings!"
Reporter's question: "Mr. President, we all know that you and Congressman Tom Delay are close political and personal friends. Do you intend to do anything to help Mr. Delay?
GWB's Response: "Well yes in fact I am and I'm glad you've asked that question. At Congressman Delay's urgent request, I'm going to immediately get a bill fast tracked through Congress to outlaw prison rape."
Reporter's question: "Mr. President, concerning the scandal surrounding Congressman Delay and the Republican Party in general and they way it seems to be headed these days, is there any comment you'd care to make?"
GWB's Response: "As a Republican, I am quite proud of my party and I must consider our return to traditional, core Republican values to be a good thing."
Scott McClelland: "Thank you, and that's all people. It's time for the President's afternoon nap.