Tuesday, September 08, 2009

The New, Bipartisan Health Care Plan Initiative

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi opened a clandestine bipartisan meeting of several top US lawmakers  in an undisclosed location in Washington, DC.  Republicans in attendance were House Minority Leader John Boehner of Ohio and minority Whip Eric Cantor of WVA,  and Senators John McCain and Mitch McConnell of KY.  Interested spectators in attendance were former presidential candidates Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney.  Democrats present besides Pelosi were Congressman Earl Pomeroy of North Dakota and John Dingell of Michigan.

"This is a serious meeting folks." said Pelosi.  "We don't have the time or the patience for any of your usual frat house bullshit, so please keep the grab-ass down.  We've here because we've got some major problems on this health care reform issue."

"Yeah, tell me about it Nancy." retorted Boehner.  "Ever since you Democrats took over it's left us Republicans sucking at a hind tit for campaign donations from the industry.  Hell, I hardly got latte' money any more since a majority of the campaign money now goes your way."

Pelosi snorted, "Yeah, well.  You don't have anybody to blame but yourselves Johnny boy.  I've been telling you folks for years you were letting George W. Bush's bunch wreck the party.  Now, it's our turn and we're gonna ride this puppy for all it's worth.  And, the good news is, campaign money from the health care folks is at an all time high.  The bad news is, it looks like obama is gonna have the strength to actually make changes this time around.  If that happens, we're gonna lose the issue and the cash cow that goes with it."

"Oh, hell yeah, dammit all!" broke in Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky.  "We're all in a heap o' trouble this time around.  And I'm pretty God-damned pissed about it too!  I've a good mind to go kick on some restroom stall doors like Larry Craig."   McConnell was dirty, rumpled  and angry having earlier been mistaken for a large box turtle and wrestled to the ground by security on first attempting to enter the meeting.

"Yes, well, have a seat Mitch.  Johnny and I have already agreed." said Pelosi.  "We've got to do something to keep the issue alive. That's why we're here.  Johnny has come up with a plan which I think has a good chance of working. We can call it reform, but is so blatantly unfair it's bound to keep everybody up in arms and fighting for years and most importantly, keep those campaign funds flowing.  We'll call it bipartisan, but everyone will know it's coming from a Republican.  It's the kind of plan they would expect from any Republican and it gives us Democrats plenty of cover all at the same time."

She went on, " We're gonna embrace this in a bipartisan way by calling it the 'Republican Answer To Systemic Health Initiative Targets', or 'RATSHIT' for short amongst ourselves.

Senator McCain awoke for a moment to break in, "So, tell us Nancy.  How's this here RATSHIT thingy work anyway?"

"Be patient John.  I'm getting to that." she replied.  "I'm gonna ask Johnny Boehner to explain things to everyone."

Boehner got to his feet and passed around a colorful chart to everyone present:

(Click on image to enlarge)

"I've put together a little presentation I'm calling the 'Republican Health Care Plan Color Wheel." he said.  "I'll explain how it works.  Basically, it's a simple qualification chart."

"Notice now." he began.  "There's four levels of health care identified by the different colors, with the highest at the top, identified with a rosy red color.  We'll call this 'Class I'.  You'll notice ten identifiers within this color circle.  In order to get this level of health care a person would need to be able to claim at least 5 out of the 10.  Politicians will always qualify of course no matter who they are, just as we do now."

"Next is Class II, which is identified by a yellow color.  To qualify for this level, a person would need to claim at least two of the identifiers, on either of the yellow color circles."

"Class III is next of course, identified by a green color.  Again, an individual would need to claim at least two of the identifiers in either of the green color circles."

"And finally, there is Class IV with a blue color circle.  A person needs only to meet one of the identifiers for this level.  In fact, the Class IV is for anyone who doesn't qualify for a higher class."

"Absolutely brilliant!" shouted Mitt Romney.  "Not one damned iota bit different than what goes on today, and yet we can still call it a PLAN'!"

"Praise be to the Lord!" cried a smiling Mike Huckabee.

"I thought you'd all like it." grinned Nancy Pelosi.  "Yes, it can be called a 'plan', yet it maintains the status quo and keeps this issue alive and on the front burner forever if we like.  That can only be good for our campaign war chests."

"I'll say amen to that!" said Huckabee.

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