The New, Bipartisan Health Care Plan Initiative

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi opened a clandestine bipartisan meeting of several top US lawmakers  in an undisclosed location in Washington, DC.  Republicans in attendance were House Minority Leader John Boehner of Ohio and minority Whip Eric Cantor of WVA,  and Senators John McCain and Mitch McConnell of KY.  Interested spectators in attendance were former presidential candidates Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney.  Democrats present besides Pelosi were Congressman Earl Pomeroy of North Dakota and John Dingell of Michigan.

"This is a serious meeting folks." said Pelosi.  "We don't have the time or the patience for any of your usual frat house bullshit, so please keep the grab-ass down.  We've here because we've got some major problems on this health care reform issue."

"Yeah, tell me about it Nancy." retorted Boehner.  "Ever since you Democrats took over it's left us Republicans sucking at a hind tit for campaign donations from the industry.  Hell, I hardly got latte' money any more since a majority of the campaign money now goes your way."

Pelosi snorted, "Yeah, well.  You don't have anybody to blame but yourselves Johnny boy.  I've been telling you folks for years you were letting George W. Bush's bunch wreck the party.  Now, it's our turn and we're gonna ride this puppy for all it's worth.  And, the good news is, campaign money from the health care folks is at an all time high.  The bad news is, it looks like obama is gonna have the strength to actually make changes this time around.  If that happens, we're gonna lose the issue and the cash cow that goes with it."

"Oh, hell yeah, dammit all!" broke in Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky.  "We're all in a heap o' trouble this time around.  And I'm pretty God-damned pissed about it too!  I've a good mind to go kick on some restroom stall doors like Larry Craig."   McConnell was dirty, rumpled  and angry having earlier been mistaken for a large box turtle and wrestled to the ground by security on first attempting to enter the meeting.

"Yes, well, have a seat Mitch.  Johnny and I have already agreed." said Pelosi.  "We've got to do something to keep the issue alive. That's why we're here.  Johnny has come up with a plan which I think has a good chance of working. We can call it reform, but is so blatantly unfair it's bound to keep everybody up in arms and fighting for years and most importantly, keep those campaign funds flowing.  We'll call it bipartisan, but everyone will know it's coming from a Republican.  It's the kind of plan they would expect from any Republican and it gives us Democrats plenty of cover all at the same time."

She went on, " We're gonna embrace this in a bipartisan way by calling it the 'Republican Answer To Systemic Health Initiative Targets', or 'RATSHIT' for short amongst ourselves.

Senator McCain awoke for a moment to break in, "So, tell us Nancy.  How's this here RATSHIT thingy work anyway?"

"Be patient John.  I'm getting to that." she replied.  "I'm gonna ask Johnny Boehner to explain things to everyone."

Boehner got to his feet and passed around a colorful chart to everyone present:

(Click on image to enlarge)

"I've put together a little presentation I'm calling the 'Republican Health Care Plan Color Wheel." he said.  "I'll explain how it works.  Basically, it's a simple qualification chart."

"Notice now." he began.  "There's four levels of health care identified by the different colors, with the highest at the top, identified with a rosy red color.  We'll call this 'Class I'.  You'll notice ten identifiers within this color circle.  In order to get this level of health care a person would need to be able to claim at least 5 out of the 10.  Politicians will always qualify of course no matter who they are, just as we do now."

"Next is Class II, which is identified by a yellow color.  To qualify for this level, a person would need to claim at least two of the identifiers, on either of the yellow color circles."

"Class III is next of course, identified by a green color.  Again, an individual would need to claim at least two of the identifiers in either of the green color circles."

"And finally, there is Class IV with a blue color circle.  A person needs only to meet one of the identifiers for this level.  In fact, the Class IV is for anyone who doesn't qualify for a higher class."

"Absolutely brilliant!" shouted Mitt Romney.  "Not one damned iota bit different than what goes on today, and yet we can still call it a PLAN'!"

"Praise be to the Lord!" cried a smiling Mike Huckabee.

"I thought you'd all like it." grinned Nancy Pelosi.  "Yes, it can be called a 'plan', yet it maintains the status quo and keeps this issue alive and on the front burner forever if we like.  That can only be good for our campaign war chests."

"I'll say amen to that!" said Huckabee.

Republican Strategery Meeting

A Soul-Searching Meeting . . .

Michael Steele, chairman of the RNC began the meeting by saying, "I've called this meeting to discuss the direction to take the Republican Party."

"We're really in deep doo - doo." broke in Newt Gingrich quickly, attempting to take charge. "This Arlen Spector defection has really hurt us. If we don't do something fast, the Republican Party is toast."

"Yeah right! That's what you said when you resifned your post as Speaker and bugged out from Congress back in '97." Sneered Congressman John Boehner of Ohio. "I 'member that's when you wanted to train wreck the government 'cause you were pissed at Clinton. That cutesy little move sure didn't win you brownie points anywhere, did it dick shit? What kinda stuff were you sniffing back then anyhow?"

"Kiss my round, pink, well-cared-for sweet and fat ass!" Newt retorted huffily.

"Now, now boys." intoned Michael Steele, . "Remember who you are."

"Who the Hell you callin' 'boy', Boy?" demanded Newt.

Steele smacked him smartly up side the head.

"You wouldn't get away with that crap if we's back down in Kennesaw, GA." sobbed a mortified Newt as he rubbed his pinkened noggin. "Them good ol' boy's down there 'ould straighten out yer black ass for sure!"

Steele smacked him again quite hard, quickly and sharply before he could duck. Newt slunk off into a corner where he pouted darkly and cried, while his friend Eric Cantor tried to console him. "There, there, Newty." said Cantor. "There, there, Baby."

"We've got work to do guys." Steele went on, ignoring Newt. "We don't have time for the good-ol-boy stuff. Newt and all his bullshit and nonsense is old news We've got to work on saving the party George W. Bush and his bunch destroyed. Hell, they have the whole country believing Republicans are nothing but incompetent, corrupt, brain-dead religious fanatics out to destroy everyone's civil rights."

A chorus of general agreement ran round the table, until Senator Mitch McConnell bobbed his head turtle-like and got hurriedly to his feet.

"Hey now, let's not be so quick to throw out the baby with the bath water." Mitch insisted sonorously. "We owe those good-ol-boy bible thumpers and snake handlers a lot. If it wasn't for them, I never would have been elected in the first place. I'm not talking about the ones on welfare of course. I'm talking about the 20% or so of American dumb clucks who still believe in us and cling to the fantasy we're on their side."

Rush Limbaugh, attending as the uncrowned, and unofficial king of conservatives, now aggressively pounded the table and spoke for the first time: "Damned right! We won't ever lose those dummies who still think we're right - we've got those bozos for life. Hell, I even call 'em'Dittoheads' and they just eat that shit up. Would you believe they even call themselves that? Go figure!"

"But, speaking as the real head of the party, I've gotta insist we get rid any damned RINO's - 'Republicans In Name Only' - left around who might decide to defect too. I'm talking right now about people like Olympia Snowe, Susan Collins and that God-damned maverick McCain!"

"Now, just hold on a gosh-damned minute!" shouted an angry John McCain from the back of the room, but few heard him beyond a few feet and he was otherwise ignored. Neither Snowe nor Collins were in attendance.

Bobby Jindal of Louisiana, recently recognized by many Republicans as their newest young up and comer, now put in his two cents' worth: "From where I sit, it's really pretty simple: We either need to find something else good to scare the hell out of everyone with, or find some WMD's in Iraq to prove we had it right over there. Since it looks like both of those are out, and as much as I hate to admit it, we might have to rebrand ourselves.. How's about 'Vote For Change'?"

"That's been done you ninny." retorted Steele sharply. "Obama did that."

"I can see Russia from my house!" shouted Sarah Palin over the general din, but everyone studiously ignored her, including Orrin Hatch who snored softly in his corner.

Steele continued, "We're in trouble guys. Newt was right about one thing. We ARE in deep doo-doo. We're out of money for one thing, and contributions are way down. Our corporate sugar daddies are bailing out by the hundreds and going to the other side."

"Speaking of bailing out, can't we qualify for bailout money from the Stimulus Bill?" demanded Palin. "We can call ourselves the 'Republican National Bank' or something."

"Go on back over to Nordstrom or Neiman-Marcus, Sarah." said Steele. "You're qualified there, but way out of your pay grade here."

"Well, I never!" snorted Palin indignantly.

"Oh, hell yes you did!" cried a suddenly re-energized John McCain. "For one thing you damned sure train wrecked my run for president, you bitch! And another thing, everybody knows all your bullshit 'abstinence' talk is just so much horse puckey after your daughter got knocked up - and on your watch too as governor. What kind of damned mother are you anyway?"

Palin retorted angrily, "Well by God at least I don't need a shot of oxygen just to wake up each day! And if your damned people had listened to me, you'd be president right this minute, and I'd be half a heartbeat away myself. I'm still mad as hell about all that. Listen numbskull, you want to be real careful about making this pig bull, er, ah, er, I mean a pit bull in lipstick mad at you. I could go off like a pit bull with PMS!"

"Yeah, right! You might be real dangerous if you'd stop shooting yourself and everybody around you in the foot too." said a quick thinking McCain as he ducked the shoe Palin threw at him.

"Meeting's adjourned!" shouted an exasperated Michael Steele.


* (Disclaimer: This is an imaginary account of a strategy session among today's Republican leadership)

How to make W.A.R. on extremists

Do you ever wish you could make some kind of an effective protest when you see, read about or hear about some asinine thing our public figures do?

Cheer up. There is a way!

What brings this to mind is the thought of the dogmatically partisan acts our political leaders sometimes engage in. A prime current example is Alaska's governor Sarah Palin, who last Fall was so suddenly thrust upon the national stage it apparently addled her brain. Since her selection as Senator John McCain's running mate she has apparently been on a non-stop and blatant campaign running for the presidency of the United States - even though other national Republicans, including John McCain are studiously and carefully keeping their distance from her.

Forgetting the needs of the state she supposedly governs, Palin deliberately engages in provocative acts apparently designed to improve her image amongst fellow neoconservatives nationally. The list of her actions is long - and Alaska's citizens and state politicians are quickly losing patience with her - even her fellow Republicans, especially the moderate ones.

Ah, but she has a national neoconservative following which is invariably thrilled whatever she does. Some will sing her praises no matter what, or how many pigs she kisses. The more outrageous she is, the better they love her. Fortunately, they are but a small minority of the voting public.

Robert Watson, a professor of American Studies and presidential historian at Florida's Lynn University commented that Palin, " . . . . seems like a train wreck in slow motion,"

Her latest obscenity - and that's exactly what it is - is the appointment of a near Nazi right-wing extremist as Alaska's next Attorney General, one Wayne Anthony Ross. Ross, fortunately has so far yet to be confirmed by the legislature, but since two thirds of the Alaskan legislature is solidly Republican overall, there is a clear danger he will get the needed confirmation. It is an extremely controversial and divisive selection, even among other Republicans - some of whom still have the clarity of vision to see what this might cost the party.

Upsetting the entire Alaskan legislature three days before the end of the session, Governor Palin left town right in the middle of the legislative confirmation process to attend the Vanderburgh County Right to Life Banquet in Evansville, Ind.

Here's a few of Ross's credentials which Palin so ardently admires, and which apparently, she feels will burnish her national standing:

• Ross once praised a KKK display, and sneered at student protest to same;

• Ross has a long history of hatred and censure of homosexuals of any kind;

• Ross has a long history of contempt for women;
  

• Ross has mounted pro bono defenses of those indicted for crimes against homosexuals;

• Ross appeared in a pro bono defense of person who assaulted Iraq war protesters;

• Ross owns and drives a red Hummer vehicle with license reading 'W.A.R.';

• Ross has been a National officer of National Rifle Association;

• Ross claims to be a staunch Christian, who feels if he can overturn Roe vs. Wade, he will get 'his ticket to Heaven'. (No, honest! You just can't make this kind of stuff up!)

There is possibly no one else in the entire state of Alaska who is less suited to the state's attorney general.

So, how does anyone in the public fight this kind of madness by ego-centric people like Palin? Well, not to coin a phrase, but ''you puts yer money where yer mouth is!" If Sarah Palin attends a Right To Life conference, and you disagree with that position, well, one simple way to send a message is: Donate in her name to Planned Parenthood! And be damned sure to write and let her know you've done exactly that. I've done exactly that and it felt great!

If you believe Wayne Anthony Ross's position as such staunch assault weapon gun advocate is wrong, you can donate money to a gun control group in his name, and be sure let him know about it!

It doesn't have to be much money, $5 will do. Remember. It's the thought that counts! And, the thought of your political enemy gritting their teeth is pure sweet music for the soul, let me tell you. As a bonus, the receiving group will be most appreciative! And, depending upon the group, it may even be tax deductible!

Happy giving!