VP Cheney Undergoes ‘Near Death’ Experience.

Walter Reed Army Hospital, Bethesda MD: Vice President Richard B. Cheney was rushed to the emergency room reserved for administration VIP’s in this hospital today. His aides believed he was suffering from another heart attack due to his obvious distress. However, an examination quickly showed he actually has no heart. His problem was traced to ‘bilious, bucolic like bowel secretions’ forming in the cavity which once contained his heart.

“You wouldn’t have thought so much bile could have backed up in such a pitifully small space.” said thoracic surgeon I. C. Morefester. “But, we were able to administer an oral enema which immediately provided relief."

Following the oral elimination, a regular rectal enema was also administered, but to the consternation of the doctors present, that proved almost fatal for the vice president.

"We very nearly lost the bastard.” said Morefester. “It was as near death as anyone ever should be without actually dying. I never would have believed it, but that last enema cost Mr. Cheney over 90 pounds in body-weight. I mean, he looked more like Barney Fife on the old Andy Griffith show than Dick Cheney when it was over. It is beyond me how so much rotten crap could ever be packed into one human being. No wonder he’s so damned grouchy all the time.”

“But, every cloud has it’s silver lining. The good part is that Cheney can now run around in the rain without ever getting wet!”

(Note: This item is a 'Spoof' and created out of whole cloth. It is entirely ficticious and the product of my imagination.)

The Righteous Super-Patriots On The Right

Ever since Ronald Reagan’s administration made it legal for money to dominate the media and buy votes, America has produced a crop of ‘Super-Patriots’ among so-called ‘conservatives’. Unfortunately for our country, they are neither patriots nor conservative.

They are the ones who are screaming loudest for war and invasion and blood - so long as someone else is in the line of fire, and not them. They are very aptly nick-named ‘Chickenhawks’.

Their ‘conservatism’ is in fact a preference for tax breaks permitting corporate economic dominance so that the richest and greediest 5% get every richer and continue feed their insatiable greed. Meanwhile, the public, the foolish citizen is saddled with ever more debt. Our national debt is now the highest in in history by several times.

These so-called ‘conservative leaders’ have propagandized many ‘conservative’ voters to the point of irrationality by demonizing any ‘non-conservative’ as unpatriotic. They define any liberal or progressive as traitorous - regardless of the facts.

They have used their money to hire their hack propagandists to spew a steady diet of distortion, deceit, slander and lies. Here are some facts about some of these ‘Super-Patriots’:

Super-Patriot Who Did Not Serve and drug addict Rush Limbaugh: Recently had the audacity to call actual combat veterans ‘PHONEY SOLDIERS’. But Rush himself sought and obtained a draft deferment during the Vietnam War because of an ‘anal cyst’. Very aptly named in my personal opinion. Perhaps it was the terminal end of the broad yellow streak running down his back

Rush is defended in Congress by none other than John Boehnert, Republican of Ohio, another Super-Patriot Who Did Not Serve - and who thinks our losses in Iraq are (direct quote) ‘a small price to pay’.


Rush is also defended by Republican candidate for president Fred Thompson, yet another Super-Patriot Who Did Not Serve.

So, many veterans are wondering; "If these Super-Patriots Who Did Not Serve are the 'real patriots', what does that make those of us who actually sacrificed to serve our country. Chopped liver?

And, what about those veterans like me, who violently disagree with and are disgusted with the greedy, fat-assed Super-Patrtriots Who Did Not Serve - are we really unpatriotic? Gosh, and all this time I thought my sacrifice was standing up for my country!

I must have been mistaken . . .

The Love of The Amazing Daisy Tucker

Oh, how I did love that girl! She was as lovable a girl as any man could hope to meet. Beautiful certainly, and impossibly sexy with a perfect, Venus body, but beyond that, she was as sweet and natural and wholesome as anyone could possibly be, ever. Just being Daisy Tucker's lover put a man on top of the world - with the sheer, soaring unfettered feeling of being 'the king of absolutely everything'.

Daisy was like that. My every moment in Daisy's company was like that. Somehow, without effort, she brought out those feeling in me. Bliss. Sheer, lover's bliss. There were no bad times, never, no time.

She used to tell me, "making love to you just makes me silly and crazy. You just make me a mess of quivering jelly and turn me into your love slave. I would do anything, anything for you!"

Preening with pride I'd grin and playfully answer, "Daisy, you are already silly and crazy. And, the quivering is just 'cause you're out of breath from all that thrashing and hopping around you do."

Of course, I would all out of breath and hardly able to talk myself, and clothing, bedclothes, pillows, everything would be scattered helter-skelter all over the damned place. Whew! Oh yes, how I did love that girl!

Then one day she was gone. Just like that. No notes, no letters, no phone calls, no nothing. She simply disappeared out of my life like she was never there. Broken hearted doesn't even begin to describe it. I was completely devastated and out of my mind and crazy with worry. What if something happened to her? Was she kidnapped? Run over by a train? Where was the love of my life, this beautiful girl who shared the past two months of sheer bliss with me? Was she in mortal danger, or, (gasp!), even dead?

But no, that wasn't it. All her things were gone too. Lock stock and barrel, she had packed up her things and left. Everything. So, it was by her choice and I had to live with that. I almost didn't. I briefly considered taking my own life. But, with the aid of a couple dozen bottles of rum I got past that crisis and began the healing process.

Then, one day while nursing a drink in the bar, I struck up a conversation with another guy down in the dumps just like me. His sad story was eerily similar to mine. Over more drinks we were amazed to discover that we both, each, had been dumped by the one and the same absolutely amazing Daisy Tucker!

Turned out that the amazing Daisy Tucker had more than one lover. In fact, over the next several weeks we learned the amazing Daisy Tucker had a great many lovers in her life. The more lovers we learned about, the more there seemed to come out of the woodwork. Soon, we, the ex-lovers, began to gather informally in a group on Friday nights - we had nothing better to do - and compare bittersweet notes over drinks about the love of the amazing Daisy Tucker.

We even formed a club we called "The Amazing Daisy Tucker Lovers' Club". We learned we all had many things in common: We were all ex-lovers of Daisy Tucker; We all shared six to eight weeks of sheer lover's bliss with her; And, she left us all totally without warning.

And the only thing Daisy left us with, each and every one of us, was broken hearts, and incurable cases of Non Specific Urethritis.

Your Tax Dollars At Work

All you never needed to know about US National Forests, or the US Forest Service, OR why I am sometimes called a 'dirty, rotten, stinking, pinko, liberal, commie, radical environmentalist':

You might be interested in how your tax dollars are sometimes spent. I have been involved with timber issues on the Tongass National Forest in Alaska for a long, long time. What I have learned in that time is that the US Forest Service - at least on the Tongass - is largely bought and paid for by the big boys in the timber industry. No matter what, they invariably come down on the side of the 'development' and 'managing the forest' (read 'industrial scale logging').

An aside, and old and dear friend of mine from Petersburg, AK, now deceased, used to say, 'It doesn't take a whole lot to manage stumps'. Truer words were never spoken!

So, the forest service has been subservient to the big boys in the timber industry on the Tongass for at least the past fifty years. They have spent MANY, MANY MILLIONS of taxpayer dollars on the Tongass 'managing' the forests for timber sales. Last fiscal year for example, they spent in excess of FORTY MILLION DOLLARS on the Tongass alone, 'managing' timber sales which produced an income for the treasury of - get this, slightly over $400,000! In other words, the return for taxpayer investment was approximately ONE CENT on the DOLLAR! If that is not subsidizing an industry, I guess I don't know what the definition is.

I'll try to explain how this came to be.

I am acquainted with some of the forest service players on the Tongass. Abigail Kimball, the current USFS head honcho (Chief) in Washington was once the supervisor for the Petersburg, Alaska district when I lived there. Forrest Cole, the current Tongass National Forest supervisor used to be a forester working for her there. I met with them both on numerous occasions during timber sale appeals during the 'nineties. Both are dyed-in-the-wool 'Timber Beasts', which is a term used to describe Forest Service personnel who invariably side with timber industry. Both are educated in forestry. Many professional 'foresters' are educated at the (inter-)nationally renowned University of Michigan School of Forestry, and I believe Forrest Cole at least, is one of those.

Unfortunately for 'National Forests' anywhere in the US, the U of M's forestry school's emphasis is on 'fiber volume' and not overall forest health - except as it relates to fiber volume. In other words, the 'production' of more fiber volume is the guiding mantra for professional forestry. Another way of saying this might be 'tree farming' since more volume is produced in new, second growth. Little if any emphasis is left for preservation of old growth, for environmental factors, fish & wildlife, or anything else - if it doesn't help 'fiber volume production' in the end.

Thus, 'Timber Beasts' are created.

It is now such a culture - at least on the Tongass, which is the one I am most familiar with - that any critics of any stripe, are automatically viewed as 'dirty, rotten, stinking, pinko, liberal, commie, radical environmentalists' - and often described that way by their political enemies - most of whom are bought and paid for by the big boys in the timber industry. You simply 'demonize' your critics, and many in the public will buy that hypocrisy, particularly when it is couched in 'conservative' vs. 'liberal' terms - and nothing could be less 'conservative' than US Forest Service timber policies! The entire Alaska Congressional delegation set great examples in so demonizing such critics. Further, the US Forest Service itself routinely disciplines any employee who dares to step off message.

The following case might interest you - particularly if you are a conservative taxpayer who is concerned how your tax dollars are being spent. This is about one FS employee, a wildlife biologist out of the Sitka office named Glen Ith. Glen did a study, paid for US taxpayer dollars, which was then ignored (left out of) an environmental assessment for a particular timber sale. Now, the Forest Service is trying to fire him for 'improperly' providing the study to critics of the sale. But, the real reason is that he was a 'whistleblower' on another earlier issue where the Forest Service was clearly in violation of the law.

(FOR THAT ISSUE, CLICK HERE)

Such is the danger of having a conscience and working in government service, particularly in a hostile administration. Attached below are the official documents in this case if you are interested in checking things for yourself - and seeing how the FS will go to such lengths to punish dissidents. It is particularly ironic to read about this employee having had FS 'ethics training' in his letter of termination! Most American citizens will be outraged by this hypocritical behavior and waste of time and money!

And, maybe that is why I am proud to call myself today "a dirty, rotten, stinking, pinko, liberal, commie, radical environmentalist"!

You could even feel the same way yourself after reading the documents below. If you do, please feel free to pass this along.

Double-click on the images below to expand:

An Open Letter to Alaska's Senators Murkowski & Stevens

Dear Senators:

Any horse will eventually wear out and no longer be of use - becoming an actual hindrance rather than an asset. Sometimes a horse just plain can’t go anymore and lays down and dies. In fact, there is an infamous place in Alaska known as ‘Dead Horse Canyon’ where hundreds - perhaps thousands of horses died when their owners failed to acknowledge the obvious, and stubbornly drove them long after they were capable of doing so.

But, a wise and truly conservative person will recognize reality. They will not keep "BEATING A DEAD HORSE”. There is no value in that at all. They will know when to take the load off that weak horse and put it on another more suited to the task.

Today, some Americans calling themselves ‘Conservative Republicans’ will not recognize the obvious. They keep beating that poor old horse. It is obvious to anyone the horse can’t go any further. But, stubbornly the Conservative Republicans deny the indisputable truth and say, “Oh just have some faith. Give this horse another chance - it will all work out. This horse is making it! Wait and see!”

This, as the poor horse is obviously now tottering and stumbling weakly to his knees - bringing his country down with him.

This horse has already had a six-year chance now, and has become an embarrassment to his owners who desperately want him put out to pasture. Still, this horse’s supporters will not admit the obvious, and just keep pushing for that which now will never be.

While they may perceive the obvious, they lack the required courage to admit it. Rather, they deny reality for partisan reasons than admit the truth to themselves, or heaven forbid, to the public. But Sir, I say to you now, “It is time”:


IT IS TIME TO WAKE UP AND SMELL THE ROSES;
IT IS TIME TO PUT THIS SAD, WEAK OLD HORSE OUT TO PASTURE!

AND, IT IS FAR PAST TIME FOR YOU TO SERVE YOUR COUNTRY RATHER THAN YOUR PARTY!

Let's Say You Have Two Cows . . .

* Say you have two cows;



* One is a 'right hand cow' and one is a 'left hand cow' - that's because they pasture on a mountainside and depending on the way they were facing when they started grazing, their legs are shorter on one side than the other. The right hand cow has longer legs on the right side, and the left hand cow on the left;


* Neither cow can stand up on the level without help;


* In the past, the cows were able to stand up by leaning together towards the middle, one supporting the other;


* You sell your cows to a mega-corporate, multi-national 'for profit' diary;


* The right hand cow becomes a Fascist and is nicknamed 'Ann Coulter'. Ann hates all other cows and says so and everyone believes her;


* The left hand cow becomes a Liberal and is nicknamed 'Hillary Clinton'; Hillary loves all other cows and says so, but few really believe her;


* The cows no longer help each other, and fall down without huge piles of money to support them when on the level;


* Hillary has her own bull named "Willie";


* Ann doesn't have a bull, but if she did, he'd be called either "Rush Limbaugh" or "Dubya";


* Ann secretly wishes she were a bull herself, and many people think she actually is one;


* Both cows dislike the old, worn out Libertarian bull Ron Paul, but Ann, really, really hates him for 'selling out';


* While Ann is incensed, Hillary is secretly pleased that Ron Paul calls himself a 'Republican';


* Whenever Ann & Hillary meet during grazing (about once a year as they circle their mountain), they curse one another roundly. About once in every two meetings they actually fight. It's always one hell of a fight and always produces a copious supply of 'milk shake';


* The milk shake is collected and sold at an exorbitant profit by the dairy which owns and controls the cows;


* The diary cares for both cows so they each prosper and keep producing the milk shakes;


* Sometimes the diary slips in a black or a brown cow to create chocolate milk or mocha. The black cow is nicknamed 'Oprah', the brown cow 'Obama';


* The diary is managed by secret 'managers' who have always managed such dairies, and prosper by playing one cow off against another, no matter what or who's 'on top' at the moment;


* No one really knows who these 'managers' are or where they came from - just that they've always been 'around';


* When the cows aren't fighting they produce only sour milk, which is nonetheless hyped and sold at an enormous profit to the public. The public doesn't need the sour milk, nor like the taste of the sour milk, and can't stand the smell, but they have been convinced they must have it to exist, so they buy it anyway;


* The dairy managers laugh all the way to the bank every day;


* The cows' managers insure the cows will exist forever to maintain the American status quo, and keep their owners in the latest model Lear jets and Armani suits;


* You, as a simple citizen are flabbergasted and amazed at what has become of your cows!

Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind, and Out In Space Somewhere!

I, for one have never claimed 'George W. Bush' as 'my president'. Early on I knew this person could never be 'my president'. He might be president for 'some of the people' - those who helped and enabled him to steal the office in the first place, but he will never be 'my president'. Never, no time, thank you very much.

And, he is widely recognized today as the worst thing to happen to our country in history.

Oddly enough, George W. Bush seems to know this. And oddly, it seems to be about the only thing he 'knows' that is factual, or in the realm of reality. Everything else he says he 'knows' turns out to be exactly wrong. But, George W. Bush knows this, and the people around him know this.

Therefore, it is necessary to shield him. From reality that is. If there's one thing this person can't tolerate, it's reality. (I am very loath to call him a 'man', since there is very little 'manly' about him) And, that's why George W. Bush et al, must be protected from facts. That's why his handlers do that for him. There's even a policy manual for it! It's called the "PRESIDENT ADVANCE MANUAL" and is designed to protect George W. Bush from dissenters and dissenting views - facts if you will.

If he doesn't see or hear it, ipso, facto, it doesn't exist! Simple as that!

And so, in the disconnected fantasy world of George W. Bush - and his Neocon supporters we witness our government touting the wonderous achievements of our national nightmare. Whoever said propaganda based on the Nazi method had ever gone out of style?

THE HEROIC GEORGE W. BUSH ACCORDING TO THE US GOVERNMENT!

(and, this not incidentally paid for by the US Taxpayer!)

So far, it has proven to be very effective! Meanwhile, the nightmare continues . . . . .