Thursday, July 28, 2005

News of the Future

With today's advanced communications technologies, it is not too surprising to find web sites capable of reporting news of the future. Here is a report from one such site:

BSN “Fast Forward” News report: May 30, 2010:

NEWS ITEM: President Clinton II said today at ceremonies marking Memorial Day in Washington, DC that even if she could, she would not offer amnesties or pardons for any of the so-called “Gang of Thugs” associated with discredited former president George W. Bush, impeached and now pending trial for war crimes.

Ms. Clinton said, “I will let the chips fall where they may. George W. Bush & Company will receive whatever punishment is decided by the International Court in The Hague, if any. I must say I think it is perhaps most ironic and fitting that Mr. Bush and members of his administrations are currently confined incommunicado in the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq and being guarded by Iraqi security forces. Of course any reports of their abuse and/or torture at the hands of the Iraqis will be fully investigated in due course, as we are permitted to do so and as we have the time.”;

President Clinton dismissed as ‘a joke’ the widely distributed photograph of former president George W. Bush being led around on all fours on a dog’s leash, and reports that guards have attached electrical wires to his testicles and urinated upon him on a regular daily basis. “I don’t believe he probably has any testicles for one thing, and anyway, who wouldn’t piss on him if they could?” commented Clinton in an unguarded aside;

Ms. Clinton’s husband William “Slick Willie” Clinton now serves as US Ambassador to the UN where he is regarded as “ambassador extraordinnaire” and most female aides wisely stay out of his reach, although many say he is 'kinda cute'. He no longer smokes cigars saying that ‘it has proved very bad for my health, not to mention my career.”

NEWS ITEM: A related item notes that former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein also serves in the UN as the Ambassador from Iraq. After a period of confinement, rehabilitation and reeducation dictated by The Hague Court, the now heavily bearded Saddam is a respected and revered Su’uni Muslim cleric in Baghdad where he sometimes may be seen walking peaceably throughout the city dispensing blessings, smiling and waving to his adoring followers who stuff dinars into his robes. Saddam has recently repurchased four of his former palaces and has ordered several new Rolls Royces for himself and his close staff;

NEWS ITEM: Vice President John McCain is on holiday in Brazil with his 'half Mexican child' from an' unacknowledged former illicit relationship'. "I really just love J-Lo you know." said the former Senator. "and, my wife really doesn't object so long as it's not too public - and she never finds out about it." Mr. McCain switched parties from Republican to Green last year upon Congress’ successful passing of meaningful and draconian campaign reform legislation, which was subsequently signed into law by Ms. Clinton;

Mr. McCain now 74, says that he intends to completely devote the rest of his life and political career to protecting the earth’s resources and environment, supporting reproductive choice and the rights of gays and lesbians. McCain was also recently named to the Boards of Directors of the ACLU and Greenpeace;

NEWS ITEM: Former Vice President Richard Cheney’s body was disinterred last week for an autopsy at his family’s request. The family felt there were suspicious circumstances surrounding his death and did not believe he actually died from a heart attack. Their suspicions were confirmed when the autopsy indicated Mr. Cheney did not actually have a heart, there was no sign of one and he probably never had one. The same results had been found for Donald Rumsfeld, John Ashcroft and Kenneth Starr last year. The National Health Service now strongly suspects this could be an important symptom of the so-called "Inverse Deviation Ideation Obsession Tendency" (IDIOT) Syndrome nearly universally found in "Neo-Conservatives".

The NHS, CIA, FBI and Secret Service are investigating fully and plan to disinter former President Nixon for autopsy soon. Unfortunately Bush 41 is still nominally alive and unfortunately can not yet be autopsied, although X-rays and his history do give strong indications he also suffers from the syndrome. Negotiations are also being held with former President Ronald Reagan's widow Nancy Reagan, now almost 89 years old. However, Ms. Reagan says she wishes to consult with all her astrologers before granting permission for an autopsy on her husband. That may take a while as she can't seem to remember who they are.

The NHS says that if a test and a marker can be found for this condition, perhaps many of the world's problems might be avoiding by the abortion of infected fetuses from the womb before birth, or lifelong incarceration if accidentally or unavoidably allowed to term. Alternatively, anyone showing IDIOT Syndrome symptoms could simply be indefinitely incarcerated as a proactive protective measure.

Mr. Cheney’s remains have been re-interred in their crude oil-filled capsule.

NEWS ITEM: Secretary of State John Kerry is in North Korea this Memorial Day to sign an historic nuclear nonproliferation treaty with leaders of that formerly belligerent country who Mr. Kerry describes as “just a bunch of pussycats”. “It’s all in how you handle pussycats you know. You get lots more cooperation from pussycats with catnip than you do with threats, bombs, sticks or stones.” said Kerry.

NEWS ITEM: Earlier last week Mr. Kerry made history when Iran also signed the treaty. Iran has promised several contingents of Iranian aid workers will be sent to distressed counties in Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Kansas, Iowa, South Carolina, Mississippi and other places throughout America’s “Heartland”.

Many counties in the US were severely impacted after the fundamentalist members of their christian communities entered premature ‘states of rapture’ by committing mass suicide upon the election of Ms. Clinton. Some counties lost well over 90% of their populations, and some almost all of their elected leadership. Oddly, San Francisco County in California was the single county in the US which lost not a single person. Many places in Britain and Canada were also impacted, however the Iranians have yet to offer any help to those countries.

The good news is that there are now lots of abandoned and unused church buildings which might be used for crop storage or stockyard barns with minimal refitting. It will not matter that they are tacky looking, cheaply constructed or unkempt as those conditions may be remedied;

NEWS ITEM: The venerable but feisty Fidel Castro now in his 84th year of age and former leader of the island nation of Cuba announced yesterday he will donate any proceeds from winning the Nobel Peace Prize to the Fund to Aid Republicans' Troubled Survivors (FARTS).

FARTS was established by Ms. Clinton to assist destitute families of the many Republican politicians who shot or otherwise killed themselves upon her election to office. "It was the least I could do." said Ms. Clinton. Should Castro be awarded the prize he will join a a select list of notables which include the Dalai Lama, Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King and former president Jimmy Carter.

NEWS ITEM: A new ferry system called “Boatlift” began running between Key West, Florida and Havana on Friday. Cuba entered a new era of peace, prosperity and cooperation shortly after President Clinton’s lifting of sanctions and restrictions against that nation the day after her inauguration. Americans and Cubans now once again travel freely between the two nations.

Supported by Señor Castro, Cuba’s new democratically elected leader El Presidente Juan Miguel Gonzales (Elian Gonzales’ father), has offered a 40 acre parcel near Guantanamo Bay as a site for a new International War Crimes Detention Center. The center would be known as "WD-40" and guards would be selected from hardened convicts (“Lifers”) from prisons of many nations. There is a strong probability that GW Bush and his thugs could eventually end up at Guantanamo if not executed for their war crimes, although a special cell or compound might need to be constructed for Condelleza Rice. If so, they would be imprisoned indefinitely without trial, access to attorneys, or outside contact. In effect they would immediately become 'non-persons';

NEWS ITEM: Exxon/Mobil/BP/Chevron/Conoco, the newly formed oil conglomerate announced last week that unless they obtained federal subsidies plus proprietary rights, titles and a patents to sunlight, the Moon, and to all US, Canadian and British tidal waters, they would have no option but to declare bankruptcy. The companies were unsuccessful in obtaining those same rights to hemp last year even after practically bankrupting their treasuries in campaign contributions. They have already closed their oil fields in the Middle East, Russia, Venezuela, the North Sea and Alaska’s North Slope. In the words of one company official, ‘The only oil you will see pumped out of the ground from now on will be for museum displays.”

The former oilfield workers have been retraining for jobs in the fast food industry, while management has been largely mobilized into the military as cooks, stewards or barbers. None have elected to retire because the pension funds were found to be not only simply depleted, but actually owing money. The CEO's, CFO's and other high corporate officers will routinely be sent on to Abu Ghraib for processing;

Adding to the oil conglomerate’s woes were studies finding that petroleum fumes can cause impotence and sterility in men of a conservative mindset, particularly those addicted to Hummer vehicles and other large SUV's. Scientists have long been puzzled why Republican men have such low reproductive rates and are seldom regarded as ‘sexy’. In fact, in the earthy words of one Hollywood sex goddess, most are considered as being from “Barf City”. Now, there is indisputable scientific proof to support this biased, informal and admittedly empirical opinion.

The abrupt discontinuance of pumping crude oil followed quickly on the heels of 2008’s discovery of unlimited cheap energy from hemp, from which a year’s supply of energy for a family of four can be obtained from two easily grown window plants, the leaves from which may also double as ‘recreational’ assets if desired.

In an unbelievable and serendipitous chain of events the hemp energy discovery was made by the aging country music singer Willie Nelson, 78 and fellow singer Brittany Spears, 28 while in pot induced or otherwise mind-altered trances. They were awarded the 2009 Nobel Prizes in both Chemistry and Economics for their discovery, and are being considered for prizes in Physics and Peace as well, though they might have to wait until next year for those.

They say they plan to marry in about a month after Brittany gives birth to their 2nd child. Brittany already has several children by various other singers while Willie says he's lost count by now - or just doesn't remember, he can't remember which, or something.

Willie had earlier retired to a monastic compound in Nepal after his 2007 divorce from Christina Aquilera but was lured back to the US by, in Willie's words, "Brittany’s ‘siren song' - and the rest is history - and I don't really care if she's gittin' fat - she's jist a whole hunka big, fat, burnin' love - I think."

After paying off the IRS, Willie and Brittany will donate the balance of the prize proceeds to the group “Farmers of the USA” who lovingly consider Brittany as “da Mama of da Papa”.

NEWS ITEM: The justice department has announced that after five years of re-newed litigation they have finally gotten their conviction of Michael Jackson. Jackson is being transported to Leavenworth prison where it is anticipated that he will become the 'bitch' of "Big Al" Michowski - the 450 pound albino permanent resident, Neo-Nazi and de facto prison ruler there. Big Al has let it be known that Michael 'belongs' to him and that he has a special welcome all planned for Michael. There has been no comment from Jackson, who was forced to leave his nose behind with relatives.

NEWS ITEM: It was confirmed last Wednesday that former Secretary of State Colin Powell has been selected to play the lead role in the latest version of the popular Broadway play "A Raisin In the Sun". "It ist expected zat Colin vill brrring a vealth of personal experrrience to der rrrole." commented the play's director Arnold Schwarzenegger, "It ist neverrr zoo late to enterr derr stage."

NEWS ITEM: On the sports scene, the Boston Red Sox have been entered in the record books after winning their 6th World Series in a row in 2009. If they win again this year as they are widely expected to do, it will make their 11th World Series win in all.

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