Dennis Hastert Interview

An imaginary interview with Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert over the Mark Foley controversy:

INTERVIEWER: Good afternoon Speaker Hastert. Thank you for meeting with me for this interview. There are just a few questions I’d like to ask you about Representative Foley.

Speaker HASTERT : Yes, well. I’ll help you all I can but there’s not a great deal I know about this whole business you understand.

INTERVIEWER: Well Mr. Speaker, what about allegations that you have known about Mark Foley’s predatory pederasty behavior since July, 2003?

Speaker HASTERT : Nonsense! That’s just another vicious partisan lie and a scheme to make political hay by the Democrats. I only learned about Foley in September of ’03!

INTERVIEWER: But didn’t you recently claim you hadn’t heard about it at all until the messages between Foley and the pages were made public.

Speaker HASTERT : Well, I just didn’t remember it until someone refreshed my memory for me. Of course now it has been disclosed that Representative Foley was sexually abused as a child and has been suffering from alcoholism since last Friday too.

INTERVIEWER: Isn’t it your duty as a leader and Speaker of the House to take overall responsibility to make sure all representatives obey the law, and in particular protect the young pages?

Speaker HASTERT : Well of course it is. As you know under my leadership we have now opened a full and complete investigation into this unfortunate affair.

INTERVIEWER: Don’t you think you should resign & let the investigation proceed without being influenced by you, another Republican? Couldn’t that be construed as a conflict of interest?

Speaker HASTERT: Of course I shouldn’t resign. I’m the Republican leader. Republicans control the House. Republicans control the Senate. There’s a Republican sitting in the White House. Republicans control the Ethics Committee. Republicans control everything and I’m untouchable and can’t be made to resign by anyone unless a majority of Republicans say so! There’s no conflict of interest unless we say so either!

INTERVIEWER: Don’t you think you’re setting a double standard here? For example Republicans viciously went after Clinton for his dalliance with a 21 year old White House intern - above the age of consent incidentally. Kenneth Starr spent over 80 million taxpayer dollars to do that.

Speaker HASTERT: Well, this is not anywhere near as serious as what Clinton did. There's no real proof yet Mark Foley ever did anything with a page either. We’re contacting every single page to make sure there’s no proof in the future too, no mater how much it costs. There was absolute proof Clinton did something - a stain on a blue dress if you remember.

INTERVIEWER: But Mr. Speaker, don’t you have an overall responsibility to protect the teenage pages? I mean they are High School juniors for Heaven’s sakes!

Speaker HASTERT: Listen. Those kids are smart. That’s why they are selected as pages in the first place. Anyhow, who’s to say they didn’t scheme to set this up and trap Foley? How about that, huh? Just because they are young doesn’t mean they aren’t dirty little conniving political beasts!

INTERVIEWER: But Mr. Speaker, it’s your DUTY . . .

Speaker HASTERT: LISTEN! Don’t talk to me about duty. Those little bastards have caused all kinds of trouble now. Just look at the mess they’ve made here! All good Republicans KNOW this is just a dirty, Democrat plot to muddy the waters and put the screws to Republicans! That just goes without saying for Heaven’s sakes! If we can find something to hang on those little page bastards we’ll prosecute them to the fullest extent of the law By God! I wouldn’t be a damned bit surprised to find out a lot of ‘em are Enemy Combatants either!

INTERVIEWER: Enemy Combatants? But, there’s absolutely no evidence or proof of anything like that! Not even a suggestion . . .

Speaker HASTERT: Proof schmoof! By God we’ll find some proof! I mean what in hell do you think the FBI is for these days? That’s the difference between Republicans and Democrats anyway you know. Republicans have never let the mere absence of proof be a problem! By God we’ll get the CIA involved if we have to!

INTERVIEWER: You’d make up some kind of case against them?

Speaker HASTERT: Hell yes! Just look at the damage to Republicans they’re causing just over a little bit of pedophilia. Keep in mind what’s important here is the Republican Party and the continuity of the party! Rendition is certainly not out of the question here either!

INTERVIEWER: Rendition?

Speaker HASTERT: Damned right! That’s what we do with Enemy Combatants you know . . . never have to worry about ‘em again!

INTERVIEWER: But how could you ever say any one of these kids is an Enemy Combatant? I mean one of them is from a right wing neo-con family in Louisiana for goodness sakes!

Speaker HASTERT: Doesn’t matter! Don’t even need to. If that little bastard’s got a Democrat anywhere in his family background - grandma, great aunt, third cousin whatever - there’s a damned good chance he’s an Enemy Combatant. We can make the case! Just look at that John Walker Lindh for example. You know, the "American Taliban” kid. All we had to do was threaten to classify him as an Enemy Combatant to get his confession! Now he’s doing twenty years without parole, right now, this day!

INTERVIEWER: But, how can you possibly do that? You’d make up the evidence?

Speaker HASTERT: Wouldn’t have to! A single Democrat in the woodpile would be enough for us! That’s all the proof we need. . . .

INTERVIEWER: Well Mr. Speaker, I certainly am surprised and amazed at your position on this matter. There’s just a few more questions I need to ask you . . . .

Speaker HASTERT: Sorry! I’ve gotta go now. Got a high level Republican strategy session to hold with my colleagues, then a pig roast to attend before my next fund raiser. No more time.

INTERVIEWER: But Mr. Speaker, you promised me a full hour for this interview . . .

Speaker HASTERT: Doesn’t matter! Gotta go! Say, you wouldn’t have any Democrats in your background would you . . . ? You sure do ask a lot of suspicious Enemy Combatant type questions . . . .

INTERVIEWER: Yep! You’re right! Gotta go too!