Newpaper Headline: "Terrorist Teacher Arrested in New York"
NEW YORK, NY - A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator. He was charged with being an "Unlawful Enemy Combatant" under the new Military Commissions Act of 2006.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as ' unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are three sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If our Christian God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.
The President spoke thru his ever faithful spokesdog Barney.
Bush has a very close personal rapport with Barney, for like the President, Barney formerly had a severely challenged personal equilibrium, spacial orientation and comfort level with his physical surroundings. It is believed that the President’s problems stem from his father’s early proclivity to use his young son for third base in family pickup ball games. As a result, it took the President some time after adulthood to establish comfort with standard gravitational forces since he was challenged in so many areas.
The President has often suffered physically due to his equilibrium challenges:
After his election, Mr. Bush’s staff embarked on an ambitious program designed with the latest technology to rehabilitate the President and help his equilibrium:
Though there were many setbacks along the way, the President perservered:
Mr. Bush’s presidential staff purchased Barney the dog as a companion for the President, but it was soon apparent that Barney suffered from many of the same challenges as the President, and had to receive further training himself. Barney’s problems were more extensive than the President’s as he had no gravitational orientation whatever, and was just as likely to attempt walking upside down as anything:
But, Barney’s progression was faster than Mr. Bush’s. Based on his own experiences, the President took personal charge of Barney’s therapy. Using the traditional “sink or swim’ technique of simply throwing Barney into the air until he learned to right himself and land on all four feet, Mr. Bush soon taught the canine total equilibrium:
Barney is now an invaluable member of the Bush’s Oval Office inner circle and the President's constant companion as well as Bush’s personal spokesdog. Unlike the President, Barney showed a quick proclivity for and picked up on the proper use of speech. Although somewhat garbled by his canine vocal restrictions, Barney manages to understand language, and use pronunciation, nomenclature and proper language structure much better than the President. Mr. Bush now depends upon Barney almost exclusively for all his private, personal communications.
However, since Barney cannot manipulate the instrument, Mr. Bush is still greatly challenged by telephone use. To this day he struggles valiantly and continues to work on his difficulties with the spoken word and motor manipulation while his staff desperately seeks a remedy.