An Interview with Alaska's Senator Stevens

Alaska’s senior Senator Ted Stevens watches with dismay the erosion of the gains made by Republicans over the past decade.

Declaring that Republicans had ‘unfinished business’ to attend to and the country would make a huge mistake to ‘let all this slip into the sea’, Stevens was unwavering about ‘staying the course’.

“Hmrmp, er, ah, I think and I oughta say . . just let me say that . . . What’s that?” said the Senator. “What’s that? Well, yes you can quote me on that.”

“And I can tell you this, and it won’t be for the first time either, aha, ah, ah, uh. No Sir! What I mean to say is by golly, I WILL RESIGN FROM THE SENATE before I’ll let that happen! I mean it too! Not like the last time I ah, ah said that . . . no, Sir.”

When asked by a reporter why the public should elect a Republican congress today, the Senator was adamant:

“Well by golly, just you ah look at what Republicans have done for the country since we’ve ah, er, er, ah, been in power. We’ve, we’ve, we’ve protected the country against ah, terrorism, uh, uh. And, we’re uh, uh, uh, gonna build a big fence to ah, ah, keep those illegal wetbacks, I mean spicks, I mean, ah, ah, aliens where they belong. We’re ah, uh, fighting a war in Eye-Rack, and uh, uh, what’s the name of that other place? Yeah, I mean ah, ah Afghan too, ah, ah.”

“And just you look at the economy! Under the Republicans the economy is ah, ah now all the way ah, ah, back to where it was six years, ah, ah, ago, when we took, ah, over the administration.”

“And, we’ve got that Patriot Act now which uh, ah, ah let’s, I mean helps, ah, us, ah, keep the liberals, I mean Democrats, I mean terrorists in . . . an’ gives us the weapons we need to protect the ah, the ah, the party . . . I mean the country - the nation I mean.”

“And make no mistake! Our ah, ah, uh resolve is firm and ah, ah, uh, ah, fer, fer, fer, fervent! We’re ah, ah, ah determined to protect this great nation, and ah, ah, ah the oil companies, and the financial districts, ah, ah, and all the churches of course. Make ah, make ah, no mistake!”

“But sir,” one reporter asked, “The prevailing opinion now is that the war in Iraq was a huge mistake, and this administration has butchered the Constitution and is violating individual human rights on a huge scale . . . . “

The Senator interrupted, “Now just an ah, ah minute! I told you I WOULD RESIGN FROM THE SENATE IF I DON’T GET MY, AH, AH, WAY! I ah, ah, ah don’t know how I can be any more clear than, ah, ah, ah THAT! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY YOU UNGRATEFUL PEON! Hrmmph, aha.”