An Interview with Attorney General of the U.S. Alberto Gonzales

An Interview with Alberto Gonzales, Attorney General of the United States:

Interviewer: Yes sir Mr. Attorney General. I'd like to ask you a few questions if I may about the new Border Fence Act of 2006 just signed by President Bush.


Attorney General Gonzales: Thank you. Fire away. But I must ask you to be brief as I have a very busy schedule this morning.

Interviewer: Yes sir. Sir, I wanted to ask you if you had any personal feelings about the fence since you are of Mexican heritage yourself?

Attorney General Gonzales: Yes I am of Mexican heritage but I'd ask you to keep in mind that I am second generation and my family has Castilian roots. That puts my family several notches above your common Mestizo wetback. One of the proudest moments of my life was to finally be treated like an equal by our President.

Interviewer: Well, I'm surprised to hear you put it that way sir. Aren't both Mexico and the United States democracies, without class distinctions?

Attorney General Gonzales: Well yes and no. Yes, we are both democracies, and the reality is of course there ARE class distinctions. For example in Mexico you have your folks with Castilian roots and then your Mestizo, and of course here in the US your folks with money and power, like Republicans, and then you have your blacks, your Mestizo wetbacks and always of course a lot of your poor white trash.

Interviewer: Yes sir. But back to the fence. Do you support the fence and do you believe it will help the illegal immigrant situation?


Attorney General Gonzales: Yes, I support the fence. Just the notion of it should help the Republican Party considerably. But, it's not like we're gonna be funding it or anything. Just the idea of it really appeals to the poor white trash who are our main voting base. They can't stand the idea of those poor wetbacks coming into the country and taking jobs they're too lazy to do themselves. It won't do much to stop illegals though. They'll probably just tunnel under as they do now.

Interviewer: Well, if it's not going to be funded, how will it ever be built?

Attorney General Gonzales: Well, that's the beauty of it see? There's volunteer groups out there just clamoring to build it, and already raising private money to build the thing. For example there's an outfit calling themselves the 'Minuteman Civil Defense Corps' raising money like mad. They're your run of the mill far Right Wing militia zealots of course and need keeping an eye on, but they are raising funds. And, don't forget the militias are a big constituent part and backbone of the Republican base.

Interviewer: Will the fence get built then?

Attorney General Gonzales: Well no, it probably won't ever be built but that's not what matters. What matters is that we give it great lip service and just get it started. That'll give Republicans a leg up for the upcoming election. After that it won't matter and if it does come back up again we'll always blame the Democrats for blocking it. It's not like our voting base has a long term memory or anything. It's a win-win-win all the way around!

Interviewer: Well Mr. Attorney General, how are you viewing the overall security of our country these days?

Attorney General Gonzales: The country's in great danger at home and abroad. There's a bogeyman everywhere you look and Republicans are the only ones standing between evil and harm to our country. We've just gotten great new weapons to help us, thanks to our Republican controlled Congress. As you know, fear is what keeps Republican in power. May it always be so!

Interviewer: I guess you're referring to the recent Military Commissions Act which abolishes Habeas Corpus and allows torture of prisoners?

Attorney General Gonzales: Well, I wouldn't put it exactly that way, but yes, there are new arrows in our quiver. Since the Supreme court threw out our earlier weapons we desperately needed the MCA which gives us the tools to fight the Global War On Terror.

Interviewer: As White House Counsel and later as Attorney General of the United States you have encouraged the President in the use of torture, the suspension of Habeas Corpus, and the secret rendition of prisoners. Don't you feel that may be viewed as stepping beyond the bounds of your sworn duty to uphold the laws?

Attorney General Gonzales: Listen. This is a Global War On Terror! We need all the tools we can get to fight this war. Our own violations of stupid laws become secondary.

Interviewer: But, it's not just against the law! A lot of what is happening is also unconstitutional!

Attorney General Gonzales: Unconstitutional is what we say it is. Violations of the law are what we say they are. We're in control! When you're in control you make your own laws and rules! We're the greatest power on earth today.

Interviewer: But you are granting an illegal power to the President, and to his administration, which goes far beyond anything in the past. Aren't you concerned about too much power - about a dictatorship?

Attorney General Gonzales: This President has only the country's best interest in mind. If this were some other President like Clinton for example, yes, I would be worried. But Republicans are the only real Americans left. All those Democrats and liberals are just a bunch of pinko commies we're eventually going to have to deal with in some fashion and in due course - and we will if we can just stay in power long enough.

Interviewer: The US is receiving a great deal of international condemnation because of our internationally illegal actions. Aren't you worried that will hurt the United States?

Attorney General Gonzales: Listen, we're the most powerful nation on earth. If those other nations were - and I emphasize the word 'IF' - if they were ever strong enough to go toe to toe with the US militarily I might be a little more concerned. Until then we're gonna have things our way and as long as this President is in charge.

Interviewer: But aren't you worried we'll be viewed as oppressors, and other nations will get together to resist us? After all, history is full of cases where people and nations got tired of being ruled by someone else and eventually all got together to defeat their oppressors.

Attorney General Gonzales: I'd be careful if I were you! You're getting awfully close to the line! Don't forget I AM the Attorney General. You can't go around calling the US an oppressor! You cross over that line and your ass is mine!

Interviewer: Yes sir. Now sir. Sorry sir. I?m not calling anybody anything. I don't personally want to get defined as a threat somehow. I'm only asking questions.

Attorney General Gonzales: Well, I'm warning you! Be careful! You're getting pretty damned close to being an Unlawful Enemy Combatant and possibly giving aid and comfort to our enemies.

Interviewer: Sir, I'd just like to ask you about your sworn duties as Attorney General.

Attorney General Gonzales: Yes?

Interviewer: Well sir. As Attorney General aren't you sworn to uphold all the laws of the United States? How can ignore certain laws, or advise the President to ignore laws he doesn't like?

Attorney General Gonzales: I’ve already told you, the law is what I say it is!

Interviewer: Yes sir. But the written law, the laws passed by Congress and signed by previous Presidents are being routinely ignored! Basic and long-standing traditional constitutional rights are being routinely violated. How can it be that the Attorney General of the United States, duty bound and sworn to uphold those laws can . . . . . .

Attorney General Gonzales: (Interrupting) We're bound by no laws signed by any previous presidents! Especially any signed by some damned pinko Democrat!

Interviewer: But sir! Those are laws passed by the United States Congress. You can't . . . .
Attorney General Gonzales: (Interrupting) Don't try to tell me I can't! By God that does it!
You've finally crossed the line! I hereby declare you an Unlawful Enemy Combatant and a terrorist danger to the United States!

Interviewer: But, please, Mr. Attorney General Gonzales! I'm just a reporter working for my newspaper to get an interview and news story! I'm no danger to the United States and I certainly am not a terrorist or an enemy combatant . . .

Attorney General Gonzales: (Interrupting) Silence! You are what I say you are! And I say you are an Unlawful Enemy combatant and terrorist and you will now be dealt with accordingly!

Interviewer: But please sir!. I need to call my lawyer and my employer, and my wife! Please don't do this to me sir!

Attorney General Gonzales: Too late for you boyo! I told you to be silent! You're calling no one! You're out of here! We'll have no more of your damned seditious attitude and giving aid and comfort to the enemy! Anything you try to say or do now only hurts your case more. I doubt you'll ever see daylight again as it is!

Guards!

NOTE: The above is a parody of what might and could happen under the present system in the United States of America today . . . .